H has the kids for the first time this weekend after moving out at Thanksgiving. I have never really separated from my kids (yes, this was one of the problems in my marriage.) <P>H knows this will be tough for me so he called tonight to ask me to his new place for dinner on Sat. night. On the one hand, I would like to be with H and my kids. On the other hand, I do not know if I could enjoy the experience being at his new place. I haven't seen it yet and I think it would be painful to see the results of all his efforts to furnish it and make it homey for the kids. Also, it seems like I'll be acquiescing to him leaving me somehow.<P>I told him I would think about it. I was honest and said I would like to have dinner with him and the kids, just wasn't sure if I could handle it at his place?<P>What do you think?

I'm not sure if this is the right response, but this is my primary reaction to your query, so if someone contradicts me, I'd go with them, as I am VERY new to this.<P>If you are in plan A, then I would go have dinner with him. Only you know if you can handle going to his place...if you can, I would go there, if you can't, I recommend suggesting a neutral location.<P>My first thought is that if you are indeed still in plan A, this would be in line with the suggestion, give you an opportunity to meet some need (he must need something from you if he made the gesture). It also shows that you can be flexible.<P>IF you are in Plan B, then I would have to say probably not to go. Again, I would think he has a need you meet, and he needs it filled, and you would make it clear that at this point, you only will meet his needs if he is willing to totally seperate from OW.<P>Again, this is my primary reaction, and I may be way off base, so if someone else has a suggestion, I would go with theirs.<P>BlueDays

Exhausted - a real tough one. Blue Days gives the standard Plan A answer, I think, but I also think it comes down to your particular situation right now. What are his motivations? To be a family for a while, or to lure you into accepting this setup? My wife (WS) has accepted invitations several times to come to my (our) house for dinner and we have gone out to restaurants a couple of times with our son, but I have never been invited to her apartment for dinner and I don't think I would go unless her motivation coincided with some aspect of rebuilding. Her apartment is not a "home." I refuse to think of it as such, although my son stays with her there. Our home is my house and she's welcome here any time. So, unless there's something to be gained toward rebuilding, I wouldn't go, but you need to weigh all the inputs. I know this is a wishy washy reply, but I gues that's an indication that thre's no clear answer from an outsider.<P>WAT

Thanks for the thoughts. I know the Plan A answer would be to go. I am kind of in that hybrid Plan A/B we have all been discussing lately so as you said WAT, it makes it a tougher call. I wish I knew what motivated his invitation. If it was purely concern for me it would be an easier decision.<BR> <BR>He just picked up the kids now and mentioned that maybe we could meet at a restaurant. Of course, I would prefer that and I said as much, but I also said that I didn't want to control his day. (My controling our lives is a big issue for us.) Well, he said he'd call later so maybe the decision will be easier then. One can always hope!

Personally I think it would be better for the kids to see you guys at least trying to be friends. He made the offer...I would take him up on it. Enjoy yourself... force yourself to be happy.. let him see what he is missing by not being with you.

Although this is a tough one for sure, I go with the option of going and making the most of it. I've been in my wife's place a couple of times, but not for dinner. I hate the place, it makes me sick. But, I think I'd go if she asks me for dinner. I don't think it has to mean she wants to rebuild, but it nevertheless means you spend some time together, and maybe that can eventually lead to rebuilding. We all know it takes time, if it is going to happen.<P>I don't see that there are necessarily "intentions" of some sort involved. I think it is just recognizing that you are co-parenting kids despite living separately, and he probably wants them to spend some time with you together. It doesn't mean an acceptance of his place by you. That is just something you can't change all by youself (his having separate place).<P>Maybe the restaurant option will happen instead, and you won't have to worry.<P>WAT, I agree that to me my wife's place is not a home, but unfortunately for me, she is desperately trying to make it the kids other home. I can just sit back and hope that someday that other home goes away, and we are in our proper home together.

Thanks for the help.<P>The good news is that my H decided to meet me at a restaurant instead of his place so the decision was easy. It was bittersweet seeing the kids though. I got to hear all about their great new toys at Dad's house and my 2 year old told me "I miss you Mommy" about 20 times at dinner. After dinner they all went out to have fun (I was not invited) and my 2 year old was crying for me as they left. <P>So, I went shopping again, after shopping all day. Lest you think this was fun, I am one of those relatively rare women that does not like to shop. Unfortunately, I couldn't stand being in the house without my kids and I couldn't think of anything else to do.<P>The good news is that I'll get to see the kids briefly again at church in the morning. Sunday night can't come soon enough. Today was aweful!

Exhausted,<P>I feel so bad for you! (with what I have left over of my own self pity )<P>I think you probably made the right decision.<BR>You were pleasant company for the WS, and you showed that you were flexible (and not difficult)<P>And the children did an excellent job of reminding H just what he is doing to his family, w/o you causing any negative feelings on his own.<P>BD<P>Having a sucky night here myself with H blowing me off again.