Hi everyone! I am new to this area and I would like to join you. Unfortunately I wish it was for other circumstances. I have been reading a lot of the postings and I am so shocked at how many people are going through such heartache. I thought it was just me, but unfortunately there are a lot of broken hearts out there just like me, waiting to be healed. My situation is as follows: <BR>I am 32 years old and this is my second marriage. My first was when I was 16 years old and needless to say, very inexperienced. Unfortunately my Husband at the time was only 17yrs and not ready to settle down, and had many affairs and I finally left him, after 4years of marriage. I then found my new husband that I am with now. I met him and we fell in love right away. He was everything that I had never experienced before. Unlike my first husband this one always paid attention to me and I seemed to be his entire world. anyways we started living together after 2 yrs of dating. It was difficult because I have a 14yr old son from previous marriage, so we became instant family. We somehow overcame that, but what I never overcame was my first hubby cheating on me, and I brought that into my new relationship. I started doubting my new husband all the time and questioning his whereabouts and fought a lot. Finally things got better after a few years, and he asked me to marry him after living together for about 8yrs.(dont ask why we waited so long, i guess it was the fighting) We finally married 2yrs ago in 1998, and things have gotten worse since. We fought and he would say things to hurt me, for example he would say that he wished that he would never gotten married, and that he didnt love me, and just married me to see if I would stop being jeolous. We have continued hurting each other more, and when I finally came around to trying to trust him for the past year,I found out last year, accidently, a topless bar card in his pocket, when I told him I needed to check his phone because I had tried to get a hold of him and I coulnt. When he saw me getting the card, he turned red and said it was given to him and was going to throw it away, but forgot about it. I didnt belive him, but I love him so much that I just told him that we should start over and so he said that he wanted to start over also, but to this day still insists he never went there. Anyways ever since that time in February of this year, I havent been able to put it out of my mind, and I question everything he does again. I check his cellphone,pager from work, check his clothes when he is not there. I check phone bills, but have come out with nothing. I try to treat him better an do deposits in love bank, but all he does is withdraw and doesnt care about what i do. everytime we argue, the first thing he says is that he doesnt care about other women, but neither about me, and that he is only with me because of our baby. we just had a baby 3 months ago, and this whole thing about the topless bar happened just after I found out I was pregnant about a month earliear, and I guess thats why i wanted to make things work, and cuause i love him. I dont want to have another son without his family, like my first son, but I dont know what to do. He says he doesnt love me and that I ruined all his love for me and killed everything. he says he feels sorry for me only and thats why he is with me. He never wants to have sex anymore, unless I pester him about it for about a week, and he says he is always tired and with our arguments he never feels any desire for me. I think he is seeing someone only for the simple fact that no man can go without sex for more than 2-3 weeks every time, i dont care how tired he is. I have always felt ever since we got married, that things changed for the worse. he stopped calling me at work to say hi like he used to, and when i nag him, he says he doesnt fell like talking to me and that he is not going to do what i want him to do.I tell him i love him, and he always says I love you "too" its never him saying it first. if i hug him, he barely puts his hands on my back as if he was resting them in a sofa. i feel so lonely and cry almost every day and it hurts soooo bad. i dont know which is worse, him maybe having an affair, or the fact that he isnt, but really just is not in love with me anymore. He does weird things that dont make sense. examples: he has a necklace i gave him that he hasnt taken off for years, but last week i found it in his wallet, and i asked him. he said it broke, and was going to get it fixed, but how come he never mentioned it to me. its been years since i gave it to him and it never broke before. then the next day he comes with a starburts candy in his pocket, and he NEEEEVER eats candy for any reason. i accused him of maybe trying to make his breath smell good in order to kiss someone, but he said his coworker gave one to all of them. I said then why didnt you say no thank you, i dont like candy, just like you say no, to other workers that give you soda sometimes. he said he just didnt want to be rude. the latest is yesterday, we went to a department store, because he wanted to buy a christmas gift for me, and told me to give him some time, so i went with our baby, to the baby section so he could do that. well he was gone for about 45 minutes and came back and we left after he bought the gift. However when we got home, my older son the 14yr old said he tried calling us on the cellphone, but it was busy twice and then he called again but then it was off. What makes me suspicious is that we supposedbly had the phone off the entire day because he was off and we were together all day so he didnt need to turn it on. He dissappeared to buy the gift at about the same time that my son called, so that makes me think that he was calling someone, and thats why phone was busy and then off. When my son told us, my hubby just shook his head that no it couldnt have been busy because it was off. to much of a coincidence in my opinion. Just prior to that, we had gone to dinner, and the whole time his mind would wander, and seemed not to be there emotionally. can you guys give me any opinons, im sorry to make it so long, but I dont have anyone to trust so im hoping to find a friendly but honest opinions. i dont know what to do and am so unhappy, i have thought about having affair, but what good would that do. I havent found any solid proof, so if i did have affair, he would blame me and just say it was my fault, so i continue waiting for more clues and in this terrible misery. please help.

I'm so sorry for your pain. You H certainly does seem to have secrets, and I wouldn't be surprised if he is in an affair. For now I would give him his space. Pushing hugs on him when he doesn't want them only irritates him. Do things for him that you can without becoming needy or demanding. Take care of yourself. Do you have any close friends? Getting out with friends can be a great relief from worrying about H and what he's doing. My H told me he was only with me out of guilt. "I told him not to stay with me one more miserable second, that I could take care of myself and that I would be fine." Amazingly he hasn't left us completely. He sleeps at his office but comes home everynight to spend time with the kids and help with dishes and lunches.<P> I know that it must be hard with a new baby. I'll be praying for you, maybe some others will have some thoughts for you that will help.<P>------------------<BR>

I'm sorry that you are going through this. The first thing you should do is read as much as you can from this site. Especially about Plan A, ENs (emotional needs), and LB (Love busters). It sounds like there are plenty of LBs going on, and not enough ENs being met, on both sides. You two are definitely in a major rut, and you need to start seriously working on it. I would suggest buying His Needs/Her Needs from this site. Also, Divorce Busting is a good book. Light His Fire would also be good for you, and Light Her Fire for your husband (if he would be into it).<P>Regardless of whether he is having an affair, Plan A is very important. Look for a posting that shows the links to Plan A information. Try the Plan A forum. If you can't find this, just ask. If you husband isn't having an affair, the groundwork still exists for either of you to have one. So, do something now, before it is too late.<P>His reaction to you trying to be affectionate, and his statements that he is only in the marriage for bla bla bla, are typical for situations where there are too many LBs and not enough ENs. This is common, so you aren't alone. It is all just an indication of the state of your marriage. At least you know it and have taken the first step...posting here.<P>Feel free to post anytime, and ask as many questions as you like. Everyone here understands your feelings, and wants to help.<P>Hang in there but do read the information that I mentioned to you.<P>

I want to thank you hanging in there, for your reply. I thank you for praying for me because i really need it. Also rick37 thank you too for your advice, I will definately read the information and everything I can. Although I dont even know if its worth it to try anymore. Here is my update on this weekend for example. I tried to make it a good weekend and i apologized to him, even though I feel its not only my fault. We made up and then he was being very lovey dovey with me, but I can tell its very faaake. Today however we fought again. You see I have a cousin that I get the feeling he likes to look at everytime we have a family gathering. I know it is not jeolousy, i have caught him looking and you can usually tell. anyways i have accused him of liking her and he says im crazy, he wouldnt do that and specially with my relatives. However, today we went to take our baby for pictures with santa at the mall, and he went to a mall that we dont ever go to, instead of going to the one we always go to. When my son asked can i go look around, and my hubby said yes but go to sears. My cousin happens to work there, even though he claims he didnt know, even though i told him about a week ago. i accused him of wanting to go see her, and he got very defensive and upset and said that we should go home, and that for christmas he was not going to my familys gathering, because he doesnt want me to accuse him of looking at my cousin anymore. I told him yes you only get defensive because i tell you the truth, and he replies to my with " I dont care about your cousin, and I dont care about you, you both are of the same importance to me, nothing" that really hurt me, and I dont know if he means it or not. Again he said he only is here cause of our baby. Its funny when I apologize to him, (cause he never does to me) he always blames it on me, but when I apologize, he seems to act like he really cares about me, but I cant tell if he is faking it sometimes. I thank you for letting me vent and i hope to hear from any of you guys soon.<BR>thanks, and god bless.