Dear friends, I know that Dr. H recommends total honesty between partners. We are semi-separated and it's been 5 weeks since D-day. The OW is out of the picture, but my husband is filled with shame and doesn't want to be around me much. I have shared what happened with my closest friends, my parents, and one brother and sister that I am the closest with. My H was furious that I told these people and my family what he'd done. Yet, I need to talk and the support I've gotten is wonderful. I have not told him about anyone else that knows and I plan to avoid it unless he point blank asks. IS this okay--or am I supposed to be totally honest about this when he feels humiliated that anyone knows and becomes angry when I tell him who I've told. I have stopped talking about this, but there are a few people he doesn't know about that I've told. What do you all think?<P>------------------<BR>

HiT - IMHO, I recommend you tell him if he asks. You needed the support and I think it's OK that you revealed the dirty secret to your supporters. I did the same. Sure he's furious, he's ashamed and should be, you play the role, you pay the toll. But, support him and explain you were hurting, too.<P>WAT

Thanks, WAT--I've kind of been thinking I won't say anything unless he right out asks if a certain person knows. I don't like lying and I hate the lies in our marriage.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Hanging in There (edited December 09, 2000).]

I agree that you don't just say this stuff out of the blue, but if you are in a conversation where he asks, then you tell him, and explain that you needed the support. I have the same concerns, having told a select set of people. But I figure she had an affair, I simply told close people about it, so if she gets mad, so be it. She'll get over it if she puts things in perspective. Your H probably will too.

i agree that you don't tell him unless he asks but don't lie if he does ask. You shouldn't feel ashamed for telling the important people in your life about this - you need them right now. I told all of the same people you did (parents, sister, friend etc.) plus I told HIS mother, sister, bother and his wife and his cousin. I needed info from them plus I wanted them to know the reason I am falling apart is because of what he did (he is the golden boy of the family) not because I am a bad wife. He knows all about this - it doesn't mae him happy - he is embarrassed but he should be. I didn't at first tell him bout writing in here but he asked me if I did so i told him. I was surprised he wasn't irritated. I'm glad I've told who I have told because they have all helped me - especially his brother who said he will tell off the OW next time he sees her. It really helps to have support because things are not smooth sailing between the two of us all of the time and i get really upset and need to talk to other people who understand the situation to calm down. <BR>He should understand your need to talk to other people.<BR>

Dear Hanging...<BR>I understand your plight. My W had an somewhat physical EA, no sx, but passionate kiss/hugs and PA was jusr 'round the corner I am sure...anyway...its over and D-day was 9/8/99. <BR>I discovered I was telling too many about it, I discovered I was telling some friends , close ones, but really not necessary, because I wanted them "on my side". I wanted sympathy. Poor me. Affairs , EA/PA's are a two way street. Needs are usually the culprit, it was withus, Me not meeting hers, not even knowing what they were, and her not meeting mine, thus I had no desire to meet hers, and the cycle went on...until Mr. OM entered and told her everything I wasn't telling her, etc. <BR>I could have been done w/ just telling our pastor, his wife, They counsled us, another couple who had gone thru this and now were helping us, and two others for advice. I should have stopped there, none of our parents or relatives know a thing, and never will. Kids ( Late teens) don't know either. They knew we were having marital malfunctions but didn notknow about the EA. <BR>I believe its ok to tell enough to get support and to talk it out in confidence,, I think my W felt enough shame with who was told. there's my 2 cents. hope it helps.<BR><P>------------------<BR>jnvc

Hanging in there -<P>Okay, WS perspective. . .Since you know it causes your H anguish to know that other people are aware of what he has done, I think you should be completely honest with him. For me, I guess I don't really know what you and your H are going through - it was my H who didn't want anyone to know - whether to protect me, my feelings or to not be the topic of conversation everytime we are out - he was the one who didn't want to let the cat out of the bag.<P>I did tell one of my friends - briefly - about what had happened, but, sadly, I don't talk to that friend as much anymore. Whether it be self-imposed ostacizism or not, she said some things that really didn't help me out too much. This board has been the best source of support for me and my H - but I can understand why you would need to consult with others - to get support.<P>For me, I guess, and this just comes from my perspective. . .The betrayed spouses clamor time and time again for complete honesty and hate it when we (the WSs) don't give that to them. But, yet, here you are in a situation to be completely honesty, and you are hesitant, why? Is it really that you want to spare your H's feelings? Or is it that you may regret having told so many people?<P>Whatever the reason, being completely honesty is never "comfortable," but I think it's necessary. For me, as a WS, I think you have a right to talk to anyone you want to - for support, for encouragement, whatever, but I think your H should also know who knows. My H and I have several circles of friends, and for me, at this point (8 months in recovery), I really don't care whos knows about this as far as friends are concerned. Even though it might hurt to know just how many people are aware of the situation, I think I'd really want to know if my H said anything to anyone.<P>I mean I really couldn't come down on him - I'M THE ONE WHO HAD THE AFFAIR, but I think if you need complete honesty, I think your WS doesn't deserve any less. Would you be upset if the OW contacted your H and he didn't tell you about it? Well, I guess, I'm not one for keeping secrets anymore - I know how much damage they can really do. Even not telling someone something - that isn't complete honesty either. I've done that one, too.<P>I know the timing may not be right, now, but I think there's a way to let him know - gently - by explaining that you needed someone to talk to - for support. For me, my H wouldn't even have to apologize for talking to people - if that's what he needed, but I would want to know everyone HE's told - I don't care about grapevines, but I would want to know who he has talked to. And I don't know why I'd want to know at this point, but I do think honesty - complete honesty - is important.<P>You may find this kind of funny, but as a former WS, I'm having trouble believing that my H still loves me - that he won't go out and have an affair just because I did. For me, I guess, I need honesty, too. I think it helps to restore trust in both partners if both partners are being honest. If my H conveniently forgot to mention something, I'd question, I guess, what else he hasn't told me. Does he still love me?<P>If you are in counseling, maybe you can bring this up in one of your sessions. I don't think the old "Don't ask don't tell" philosophy should apply here, but that's just my perspective - for what it's worth.<P>

Thanks for a perspective on the other side. I guess I'm afraid he will be so angry with me if he knew who I've told. They are only very close friends that I completely trust, but I don't think he's ready to hear right now who knows, but I will tell him when it's the right time. Thanks. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by SKM:<BR><B>Hanging in there -<P>Okay, WS perspective. . .Since you know it causes your H anguish to know that other people are aware of what he has done, I think you should be completely honest with him. For me, I guess I don't really know what you and your H are going through - it was my H who didn't want anyone to know - whether to protect me, my feelings or to not be the topic of conversation everytime we are out - he was the one who didn't want to let the cat out of the bag.<P>I did tell one of my friends - briefly - about what had happened, but, sadly, I don't talk to that friend as much anymore. Whether it be self-imposed ostacizism or not, she said some things that really didn't help me out too much. This board has been the best source of support for me and my H - but I can understand why you would need to consult with others - to get support.<P>For me, I guess, and this just comes from my perspective. . .The betrayed spouses clamor time and time again for complete honesty and hate it when we (the WSs) don't give that to them. But, yet, here you are in a situation to be completely honesty, and you are hesitant, why? Is it really that you want to spare your H's feelings? Or is it that you may regret having told so many people?<P>Whatever the reason, being completely honesty is never "comfortable," but I think it's necessary. For me, as a WS, I think you have a right to talk to anyone you want to - for support, for encouragement, whatever, but I think your H should also know who knows. My H and I have several circles of friends, and for me, at this point (8 months in recovery), I really don't care whos knows about this as far as friends are concerned. Even though it might hurt to know just how many people are aware of the situation, I think I'd really want to know if my H said anything to anyone.<P>I mean I really couldn't come down on him - I'M THE ONE WHO HAD THE AFFAIR, but I think if you need complete honesty, I think your WS doesn't deserve any less. Would you be upset if the OW contacted your H and he didn't tell you about it? Well, I guess, I'm not one for keeping secrets anymore - I know how much damage they can really do. Even not telling someone something - that isn't complete honesty either. I've done that one, too.<P>I know the timing may not be right, now, but I think there's a way to let him know - gently - by explaining that you needed someone to talk to - for support. For me, my H wouldn't even have to apologize for talking to people - if that's what he needed, but I would want to know everyone HE's told - I don't care about grapevines, but I would want to know who he has talked to. And I don't know why I'd want to know at this point, but I do think honesty - complete honesty - is important.<P>You may find this kind of funny, but as a former WS, I'm having trouble believing that my H still loves me - that he won't go out and have an affair just because I did. For me, I guess, I need honesty, too. I think it helps to restore trust in both partners if both partners are being honest. If my H conveniently forgot to mention something, I'd question, I guess, what else he hasn't told me. Does he still love me?<P>If you are in counseling, maybe you can bring this up in one of your sessions. I don't think the old "Don't ask don't tell" philosophy should apply here, but that's just my perspective - for what it's worth.<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><P>------------------<BR>

Thanks for your comments. You know actually by telling people it has helped me keep doing plan A because I don't rage at him anymore. And when I feel desperate and lonely I can talk to my friends who have held me and cried with me--then I can go home and be sweet to him. If I didn't have these outlets, he'd be getting the brunt of my anger. <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by dying inside:<BR><B>i agree that you don't tell him unless he asks but don't lie if he does ask. You shouldn't feel ashamed for telling the important people in your life about this - you need them right now. I told all of the same people you did (parents, sister, friend etc.) plus I told HIS mother, sister, bother and his wife and his cousin. I needed info from them plus I wanted them to know the reason I am falling apart is because of what he did (he is the golden boy of the family) not because I am a bad wife. He knows all about this - it doesn't mae him happy - he is embarrassed but he should be. I didn't at first tell him bout writing in here but he asked me if I did so i told him. I was surprised he wasn't irritated. I'm glad I've told who I have told because they have all helped me - especially his brother who said he will tell off the OW next time he sees her. It really helps to have support because things are not smooth sailing between the two of us all of the time and i get really upset and need to talk to other people who understand the situation to calm down. <BR>He should understand your need to talk to other people.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><P>------------------<BR>