This is a Q just as much to the WS's as anyone else. My wife is the WS - 6 month PA d-day 9/9/00. In the end she felt used and degraded and went downtown just like any hooker appointment. SHe hates the OM, feels very guilty, bad about my hurt, loves me, wants to and is rebuilding our marriage, etc. <BR>Such is her story. All evidence I have reinforces it.<BR>Her sex drive is quite low, where it used to be more substantial (sex was not our problem). When she thinks about having it, she feels bad and switches off. The times that we've made love since d-day have been good because it's always started out with close contact, touching, loving proximity.<BR>She's concerned about shutting down sexually. I expect that it's reasonable, if sex was associated with pain and humiliation. I try to get past the ego/paranoia that it's me.<BR>Can anyone relate to this? Cheers,<P>------------------<BR>*************************<BR>Thronx - one of the statistics....<BR>*************************

how about chatting it up for a little bit before heading in the direction of the bedroom. You know, women love a good coversation. Try a little affection during the day and leading up to the evening. This really helps get women "in the mood" <P>If that doesn't help maybe she should see someone about these negative feelings that she has attached to sex. I did that early on in my marriage and regret not talking to someone about it. It probably would have saved me a lot of grief down the road.

Thronx -<P>I'm in the same position as your wife. I don't really know how to help her through it - other than I saw a guy on Oprah who basically said that your sexual relationship is a good indicator of how the overall relationship is. I take that to mean that the reason why your wife's (and my) sex drive aren't particularly good right now - is because of all of the emotional baggage we're carrying around.<P>For me, sex wasn't a problem with my H right after the affair ended - it kind of peaked (when we were communicating really well, putting each other first, etc) now it's kind of dwindled.<P>So, I guess from my perspective, I think your wife, probably would be more receptive if - overall - things were better. For women, you know that we prefer affection/conversation over "the act." So, try to really do some more of those kind s of things. Re-inforce that you love her, that she is attractive to you, that you don't care about the OM - that you still want her.<P>Give her some time, I think you all will work through this. If not, you may want to get counseling to resolve some of those other issues that are creeping into your bedroom. I think, right now, your wife is much like me - she doesn't have a lot of self-esteem right now. So, try and help her out with that.

Thronx -<P>I'm in the same position as your wife. I don't really know how to help her through it - other than I saw a guy on Oprah who basically said that your sexual relationship is a good indicator of how the overall relationship is. I take that to mean that the reason why your wife's (and my) sex drive aren't particularly good right now - is because of all of the emotional baggage we're carrying around.<P>For me, sex wasn't a problem with my H right after the affair ended - it kind of peaked (when we were communicating really well, putting each other first, etc) now it's kind of dwindled.<P>So, I guess from my perspective, I think your wife, probably would be more receptive if - overall - things were better. For women, you know that we prefer affection/conversation over "the act." So, try to really do some more of those kind s of things. Re-inforce that you love her, that she is attractive to you, that you don't care about the OM - that you still want her.<P>Give her some time, I think you all will work through this. If not, you may want to get counseling to resolve some of those other issues that are creeping into your bedroom. I think, right now, your wife is much like me - she doesn't have a lot of self-esteem right now. So, try and help her out with that.

cleopatra - I do that. SHe *loves* cuddling, reassurance, etc.<BR>skm - sex peaked then dwindled, same as you. Sounds a lot the same. As the BS, it's hard to remember sometimes that the WS is hurt too.<BR>Many thanks<P>------------------<BR>*************************<BR>Thronx - one of the statistics....<BR>*************************