Hello, I am new here, and as my name suggestes Im having questions about everything. But my biggest question is this.<BR> Everyone insists that spouses involved in affairs aren't so special all the same things are being said. Isnt that what makes a cliche a cliche so many people say it because it is TRUE? If everyone tells you that you are drunk, go home and lie down. If every spouse who is cheating says "I never felt this way before" isnt it possible that indeed they never felt that way before? I worry because I see the constant devaluation of a cheating spouses feelings.

You are not really hitting to strong of a nerve here. You just simply bring to light that people do a lot of different things simply...because the way it makes them "feel". There is no denying that the "feelings of falling in love" are very powerful...and have caused many a good men and women do do things that are totally illogical...and even destructive.<P>I know something about those feelings...of being in love with someone else who is not my spouse. It is a living hell, because you can't seem to live with the guilt and anguish of betraying the one you pledged your life to, and on the other hand, when trying to do the "right" thing, the pain of not being with that person who you love deeply is equally unbearable.<P>But bottom line is this...you can't let your 'feelings' determine your actions, regardless of how wonderful it feels. This may be coming out of left field, but the pedophile who abuses little kids...obviously feels pretty good about what he is doing. And I see nothing wrong with the "devaluation of feelings" regarding someone who carries on in that manner.<P>Sad, is it not...how the 'other guy's sin', always appears more evil and wicked than our own.

I think a big key here is that so many wandering spouses "feel" a certain way and then they change their minds. I'm sure my H felt at the beginning that he "loved" the OW. Of course he really didn't even know her. It takes a long time to see someone's true nature, we're all on ouir best behavior at the beginning. She didn't exactly say to him "If we have an affair I will worship you, but the second things aren't going my way I will turn into your worst nightmare. And God forbid you try to break up with me." As soon as the newness started to wear off it suddenly occurred to him that they had nothing in common and he was NOT in love with her. As a matter of fact he didnt' even really like her. I've thought I was in love plenty of times in the begining of a relationship. Then 6 months down the road all I could think was "Yuck. What was I thinking?"<P>Also many WS have issues such as depression, mid life crisis etc (mine did). Depression completely colors your whole world and your perceptions of things become very different. H thought he didn't love me anymore. Then as the depression began to lift he couldn't live without me, I could do no wrong etc.<P>I think it may be different if the WS is proclaiming love for the OP for years, but in the short term affairs (year or less) they seem to change their minds nine times out of ten.<P>Also when you are in a new relationship and it is exciting you always feel like you never felt that way before. It's easy to forget that you have probably felt that way plenty of times. Especially if you haven't been in a new relationship in a long time. New relationships release chemicals in your brain that make you feel that way. It's biological.

We can(and do) rationalize, justify, talk ourselves into and out of feelings of love all of the time, the point is somewhere in the recess of our minds we know that we are doing something against our spouses and ourselves thus all of the energy of justifying our actions. We all search for the love that we crave, most of the time we could have it if we just stop the actions that are blocking it and work towards a common goal. Marriage ie. committment are not easy they are constant maintance the older we get we realize that anything worth having is worth working at. I think we get caught up in if it takes this much effort it must not be true love. (I know I did, all of the talk, destiny, fate, BS...). Now both my husband and I realize that life changes and no one said it would be easy. If we work at it it will get better. The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence because it is the grass that is being watered. We have realized that there is nothing better out there, only different and when the same problems arise in that new and wonderful relationship, it will no longer be new and wonderful. Someday you have to stop searching and start repairing. Just my 2 cents worth. Jenni

messeduplife:<P>I think you're very accurate in that indeed, the feelings that the cheating spouse has ARE very new to them. You're looking at a combination of romantic love and the adreneline rush of a secret, forbidden relationship---it's a very intoxicating, addictive feeling.<P>And it's critical to not *devalue* your spouse's feelings, especially to their face.<P>You brought up an interesting analogy with the drinking. Affairs are like tying one on too (in almost all instances)---it feels great while you're doing it, and you can act very "out-of-character". But the morning after, you wake up with one hell of a hangover and you can't believe what you've done (and in some cases you can't even remember).<P>The facts about affairs are that very few last more than two years beyond discovery. And that often the cheating spouse has regret and wishes that they could somehow get back to the marriage. The MarriageBuilder's methodology is set up to give the marriage the highest chance of success through this process. Romantic love is a very conditional thing---it will be gained and lost in the cycle of an affair. There's no reason that it can't be regained in a marriage, if both spouses are willing to work at learning the skills necessary to nurture that love.

I don't think there's a "constant devaluation" of the WS feelings here. Those feelings that you feel for the OP are real, but the experiences here, and those of Dr Harley, indicate that those feelings are only temporary. This is not to say these feelings aren't special or wonderful, quite the opposite.<P>If those feelings weren't so powerful, you wouldn't have even thought about cheating (if you are a WS). If you've read some of the postings here and in the Recovery forum, you'd see the same story played out over and over again. The pattern of cheating, lying, and discovery is repeated over and over again in almost every situation. After D-day, most affairs peter out after anywhere from 6 months to 2 years. That's not just some arbitrary number, it is a conclusion reached by years of study by the Harleys, and backed up by hundreds of similar experiences chronicled on these boards.<P>The thing you need to ask yourself is: Is feeling something new and exciting worth destroying your marriage? Is six months of excitement worth more than a lifetime of contentment? Are your feelings so important that you're willing to inflict terrible pain on the person you married?<P>Yes, the feelings of the WS are important. But in the long run, saving the marriage is more important.