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Joined: Dec 2000
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HI MY H A AND THE NASTY THINGS HE SAID TO ME AND HIS SUDDEN TURN AROUND OF FEELINGS, AFTER O/W WOULD NOT LEAVE HER S FOR MY H. HAS PUT ME IN AN AMAZING FOG. I DO NOT BELEIVE HIM, OF COURSE. H CHOSE OTHER WOMAN OVER ME SHE SAID NO. THERE WAS EVEN A DAY FOR HER TO MAKE DECISION. I ACTULLY BEGGED MY H TO NOT GO THAT FAR AND HE SHOULD CHOOSE ME, BEFORE IT WAS TO LATE. HE SAID HE COULD NOT CHOOSE, SO HE LET HER. DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE TO ANYONE??<P>------------------<BR>Deb

Joined: Nov 1999
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Hi,<P>Sorry you are in such pain. Maybe by letting the dead-line she put into place go by was making a decision. He might be a confict avoider and so this was the easiest way to make the decision. <P>I know not fair to you but he is there with you. Maybe try and build from this. A lot of times when a WS says something while in the affair fog you just have to let it wash over you. Easier said than done but they are not in the right frame of mind. <P>((((((((((((((((((((flymsyex))))))))))))))))<P>I know it hurts. Try and pamper yourself and take a day to yourself.

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No advice just wanted you to know there was someone thinking of you. Prayers being sent.

Joined: Jul 1999
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Deb,<P>I don't know what to tell you. I have always believed the only reason my h stayed when I found out, was because ow didn't leave her h like she was going to. He says not. Who knows what the truth is. I don't . <P>

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Do you love him? Ask him if he's willing to work with you by reading SAA, and following the MB Guidelines (4 Rules of Recovery).<P>This is the only way I can see any hope for recovery; you have to both want to try to make the marriage work, figure out where things went wrong that led to this, and commit yourselves to doing what now needs to be done to heal and recover.<P>Ask him if he's willing to go the distance. If not, then I suppose you can Plan A him for a certain period of time, and then Plan B him as last resort. Alot of this is up to how willing you are to expend the "time" it will take to implement these techniques.<P>He's in serious fog. . . he's saying things that are hurtful because he's trying to justify what he's done. When the full weight of what he's done hits him, he'll come out of that fog, he'll need you there to work with him to totally rebuild himself and the marriage.<P>What do YOU want?

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We have been in supposed recovery for 7 months. Did all the plan A things while he was cheating. I have left many times only to return. He called OW and went to see OW during this period. It set me back to day one. I think he is done with contact of OW, but who can be sure when he is not here. Is trucking. He does call me to reassure me, but he did that while he was seeing OW. He is tired of me always bringing up subject. I am in total obsession. I was taking Prozac but he blamed the Prozac for my depressive moods and it was really him. So I quit taking Prozac to prove that it was not the meds. It was him contacting OW> The more I try to discuss things with him the more defensive he gets. Just forget it. Move on with our life. It was just a big mistake. Then back to blaming me for everything I did wrong in 20 years. WOW Do they store these things up like a computer, then push button for lets say Aug 6 1983 And out comes printout. It is amazing they can not remember much about A. But remember some wrong you did them 20 years ago. In fact H won't even play with the idea of he deserved wrong for what he did. He always thinks he is right. Controlling person anyway.<P>------------------<BR>Deb

Joined: Apr 1999
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Joined: Apr 1999
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Hello Deb,<BR>You have two posts up here....one abt the phone and this one? <BR>Ouch, this has to be very painful for you. There is a lot here for you to digest. Forgive me, I dont keep up like I should. But assume you have plan A'ed for the last 7 mos? DO you feel you have done the best you can at plan a? How do you feel abt plan b? <BR>None of us can really give you the answer to stay or leave...only you can decide. Listen to your heart.<BR>I get the feeling that your h is talking in circles and it has to be very frustrating. He says he is not in touch with ow, yet the cell phone issue looms. I would not be surprised if the ocnversations involved a bit more than business. Would you be? <BR>You need to look at all your options and do what you feel is best for you. Personally I might go to plan b, but there are plenty here that plan a'ed much longer than 7 mos!!! And they are happy they did, even if the relationship did not/will not mend. <BR>THere is a good book I read some time ago, and while not in the mb philosophy, it helped me see things in antoher light. It is titled something like, "too good to leave, TOo bad to stay". <BR>(((hugs)))

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THANK YOU CL,<BR> That is exactly what he does some many circles I get dizzy. He claims he does not want me to go. But he does not do enough to want me to stay. I can hardly stand this. I am 48 years old, and I do not want to spend the rest of my life feeling this way.<P> Thank you for HUG!! I needed that<P>------------------<BR>Deb

Joined: Oct 1999
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Deb, I went through the same thing 2 years ago - I was even the same age as you are. My h was having an intense ea with a mutual "friend." He left home for a few days then returned to go to counseling. \Hhowever, his secret motive for counseling was to get help telling our child that he was leaving. Days after his return, I found ow's love letters. I immediately went to her and threatened to expose her dirty little deeds to the world. He and she were both terrified and ended their contacts painfully and abruptly.<P>That kind of ending made it harder for him to recover. He felt like a jerk and he felt really let down by his "soul mate" who did not appear to look back. Of course that made him even more angry at me. His ego wouldn't let him admit any of this even to himself. <P>I expect that a lot of this situation is similiar to your experience. <P>It may help you to know that after a month or two of no contact, h really did become a different man. He became a very happy husband whose new worry was that I might reject him. At times I did because temporarily I could not live with how shabbily he had treated me and how he had so clearly preferred someone else.<P>Being second choice is a really hurtful thing. Even when the chooser realizes that 2d prize is far better than 1st...... even when the chooser learns to despise the 1st prize, it is hard.<P>Time does help. You will not always be 2d choice. However, you probably will feel deep hurt and anger and resentment for your h's temporary lack of respect, empathy, attraction, etc. This may come and go and may last for a long time. For me, it still hurts at times. It does get better with time. I hope that you will not have to see ow regularly because that does make the memories resurface.<P>I try hard to keep what my h did in perspective with the kind of man he has been over the life of our marriage. When the pain has been really bad, I struggle and finally manage to be loving toward him (no matter how unnatural it feels.) Eventually, this does help restore and pull me out of the black hole of resentment and despair. <P>If your man and / or your family are worth struggling for, hang in there. The pain will lessen. Bright days do come. Your h will probably be very happy while you are still struggling with forgiveness issues. Meanwhile, know that, considering what you have been through, your wide range of feelings are absolutely normal and are shared by many.

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Thank you WESSE,<P> The H must be cut out of the same cloth. Mine is 52. I would love to call OW's (shack up) OW has a 12 year relationship and if I called her man he would fire her from her position at work.OW loves her prestigious job. OW lives in DETROIT, thank GOD we do not even live in MI. OW caused breakup of her mans marriage 10 years ago, 2 year affair<BR>and off they went. She is 45 years old should no better. <P>------------------<BR>Deb

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Wow, I've been reading a lot of your posts and have come to the conclusion that you are wanting someone to give you the okay to leave your husband.<P>From the responses, I see that you have not been given the okay yet. I am here to tell you that you should leave. Your husband left it up to the OW to decide. My God woman that is insane and totally cruel. The only reason why he is staying with you is because she chose her husband instead?!!<P>You state that in the past you have left him only to find yourself going back. I suggest this time you leave for good and let him come out of his alleged "fog" on his own. If he chooses to pursue you after he decides what is best for him, then maybe you might have something to work from. As I see it now, you do not have a very good foundation to work from. Just my thoughts. JSG

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Thank You JSG,<P> I probably will. Just very angry and want to share. H really does not want me to. Just a really dumb mistake. He should not have even sugessted that she was a better person than me. Not very smart if you are ever planning to stay in marriage.<P>I told him he burned all the bridges. As he was burning all the bridges, I really tried to build a new one. He burned them all. Told him it would have to take a miracle for me to stay. I lost my dignity, rights as wife, made me feel stupid, (she is a genius), boring ( she is fasinating.) she makes me happy ( miserable person) Thank God he said I was better looking. But I still felt ugly. I have had several oppurtunitys (SP) to have A. I have had plenty of men hit on me. I just smiled and talked about H being my best friend. How do you forgive so much cruelty?? H says I am just unforgiving?? no way He is the one with computer brain, 20years worth any small thing I did, magnified 100%<BR><P>------------------<BR>Deb


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