Hey Folks,<P>This has been on my mind for quite some time and I'd like to hear from all of you regarding what do you consider the definition of being "In Love" as opposed to "Love".<P>I mean okay ... so we LOVE our spouses, and just about every one of you were "In Love" with them when you first met and married ... are any of you STILL In Love with them after several years of marriage and if so ... why?<P>Does "In Love" feelings always grow and migrate to "Love" feelings eventually or is a marriage suppose to be both???<P>Just me thinking again ... I know, so dangerous.<P>My H says, like all WS, he is not "In Love" with me but does LOVE me very much ... FINE ... so because he's lost his "In Love" feelings for me we are getting a D. And I keep hearing this on here again and again ... why am I satisfied with simply loving him and he me, but he has to feel "In Love" feelings or he "moves on"? And would filling all a S's ENs make them continue to be "In Love" with you throughout a 20, 30, 40, 50 year marriage?<P>Love (not In Love), <sarcasm> <BR>Jo<P>------------------<BR>Josie_Res@Hotmail.com<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited December 13, 2000).]

Hey Jo! I'm so glad you asked this question--it's been on my mind, too. I'm not really sure how I would define it. My H doesn't love me and isn't in love with me anymore, but I'm hoping it will come back someday before my love for him has been drained, too......<P>Thinking of you, hon.....<P>

Being "In Love" is that fleeting romatic love that you have when you meet someone and have so many hormones running through your body you can't think straight (explains a lot). They are selfish feelings that focus on how YOU feel, ex. "I have never felt this way before", "I feel so loved", etc. Mostly physical in nature.<BR>Real "love" is patient, kind, etc. Not the same thing. Thank God.<BR>Sil<BR>

Alrighty, I posed this question to the one and only Willard Harley. If I can figure out how to move his response over here I would. In the meantime, I'll try to summarize.<P>The "in love" feeling is what happens when the balance in you and your spouses love banks are overflowing. You know, when you are both meeting eachothers top needs and not commiting LBs. You are putting your best face forward. It's how you behave when you are dating someone. You want them to see your best side etc... Both of you are doing this for eachother. <BR>Just "loving" someone is different. I used to refer to it as "mature love". This is what happens when you settle into your routines and become slack about meeting eachothers needs. Your not first in eachothers life anymore. You do love your spouse but its not romantic love. <BR>Romantic love can be achieved by identifying and filling your spouses top needs. Dr. Harley says if you concentrate on the top two needs, you will make more deposits than if you concnetrate on meeting all of the bottom three. You have to identify those needs first. These are very often different for men and women as we all know.<BR>He says if you keep meeting those needs and follow the POJA, that you can fall "in love" again and experience that romatic love that we are all looking for. Its daily work and well worth it.<BR>I hope that this was coherent and not a ramble.<P>cleo<P><BR>

Just a few other previous posts on the issue...<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/003746.html" TARGET=_blank>definitions of love</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/004807.html" TARGET=_blank> "love" vs. "in love"?</A><P> <P>Jim<BR>

<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</p>

Thanks for asking Jo.<P>Cleo-<P>Sounds like "in-love" is related to romantic love and needs met that only a mate can meet as opposed to "love" such as the love you feel for your parents, children or best friend. <P>Enlightened

Hi Again Jo:<P>I just posted on your newpaper post. I've been busy and have been neglecting MB. <P>The "in love" and "love" thing threw me too at first. Now I realize that that is a stage of a new relationship that is the result of brain chemicals that have evolved over time to permit two individuals to tolerate each other long enough to mate and produce offspring. Unfortunately they are like addictive substances in that you need a higher level of them as time goes on to substain the "in love" feeling. <P>A mature "love" can't compare with that...so during an affair mature "love" gets a bad rap and is made to look like its not as good as that "in love" feeling while it's really just a later stage of the same thing. The test of "real love" is to survive the initial wearing off of the "in love" feeling and, faced with family, children and whatever life throws at us, still maintaining the "love" over time. "In Love" often doesn't survive because it takes more then high levels of chemical to make a relationship work and once it's gone there nothing left.<P>Besides that I know where that "in love" business came from...WS never had such an original thought...that's OW's way of devaluing the love he feels for me while making more of the love he feels (felt?)for her. It never bothered me after the first time I thought about it. Don't let it bother you.<P>Angels and Prayers ~ Faye<P>

I think the defination of "love" in this case is equivilant to "care."<P>My husband said "I will always 'care' for you, even after we divorce." At the time, I was wondering what the heck that meant. I was eating it up. I was saying to myself "See, Mary, he DOES love you!"<P>Hmmm. . .People who love each other don't cause each other such pain, is what I am thinking.

enlightened and everybody,<P>yes, the romatic love is what I was referring to as the "in love" feeling. That is what the MB principles are about, getting us to fall "in love" again with our spouses. His perspective is that only your spouse should be afforded the opportunities to meet those needs that bring about the "in love" feeling. They do fade. I thought I had mature love. My H felt that I didn't love him. Dr. Harley's point is that you have to work on this everyday to maintain the "in love" feeling.

Well Jo,<P>You continue to ask the tough questions don't you?<P>My best freinds husband kind of straightened this one out for me. He grew up with parents that are to this day...in love. They are about to celebrate their 50th Anniversary, and can't keep their hands off of each other.<P>They had rough times, raised three hell-raising teenagers, worked hard in every way. Their take on marriage...it just is what it is in different stages. <P>That's what Steve (my Steve) could not accept. Sometimes in a real marriage, in real life, you get busy...things get messy, you forget to put the other person first. It just is what it is for a while.<P>Does it come back around? Yes, for the lucky ones. The ones that can crawl into bed at the end of the day and talk, about everything. The ones that are true teams. But, for many, they are just not mature enough to realize that real life is not the same as that mind blowing passion you feel with a new person. Heady stuff, hard as hell to fight as we know. It feels great, but is it as rewarding as staying and fighting for the real thing? I don't think I"ll ever know. My H is addicted to the rush, he kept looking for it after affair #1, and I knew he was still looking for it. He went (with me plan Aing so hard) right into #2...he seems to need it.<P>I'm sure this didn't help answer your question. The answer is different for each and every one of us. It takes a certain kind of person to hang in there during the bad times. I'm not married to such a person, he always needed more...<P>Read my "onion" post...it says a lot about Plan a & b...and when it's just too late.<P>allison

hmmm...well according to what you are saying <BR>about the "in Love" thing...I've never really <BR>had that, with anyone.. not even stbx..I was never stary eyed..never had that rush of I can't wait to see him..the only reason I have been excited to see stbx in the past nine years is so I could have time away from the kids..and could have a few minutes to myself<BR>to think..and go shopping alone without someone calling MOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM...<P><BR>

I had a discussion with Steve Harley on this exact subject today. He made it very clear to me that there is a big difference between loving and being "In Love". He maintained that Love is unconditional but being In Love is not... If you don't work on the EN's and avoid Lb'ing the feeling of being In Love will fade. He explained that to continue a happy marriage a couple needs to maintain being In Love. If not there stands a good chance that someone will begin to meet EN's of you or your spouse and an affair become's highly probable. I have been to the verge of losing all feeling for my Ws but the minute she begins to show me signs of affection I can immediately feel the kindling again... Perhaps it's not like that for everyone but for me it seems perfectly logical.. The main problem I had through my marriage is I assumed what my EN's were is also what my spouses En's were. I always gave her what I thought she needed... She too did this for me... As it turns out we weren't filling either of our En's... Just my thoughts... Crick

thought this is a good article on the subject of being in love<BR> <A HREF="http://www.heartlight.org/articles/200004/20000408_love.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.heartlight.org/articles/200004/20000408_love.html</A>