A few years ago I was deeply infatuated with another man. He even asked me to have an affair with him, but I said no. He went on to have an affair with someone else, and I put him out of my mind. He's begun showing me attention again, making digs about my ability to say "no." I've been married for 23 years and my husband is the only one ever been with. My husband is also a very fine person. So why am I starting to have feelings for this other person all over again? I know he's bad news, but I enjoy his company and his sense of humor--he makes me laugh. What should I do about him? Most of my girlfriends have had a succession of lovers, and sometimes I feel like I've missed out. Please straighten me out.

Angel<BR> I too have had limited men in my life and sometimes felt like I was the only person that didn't have that experience, Sometimes I still feel that way. I am very standoffish to other men, not friendly, not rude. I just am off limits. I talk about my marriage, how happy I am, drop my H's name every other sentence. Whether I am happy or not, I am happy as a lark to them. My ex is coming on to me strong, he knows there were problems in my marriage although he does not know the extent. I tell him to make his live in his best friend and tell him that my H is mine. I am tempted at times to turn to him when I am tired and at my wits end. Instead I turn to my H, even if I don't feel like it 100 pecent. The easiest path, no way. the best. I believe so. Don't let him get his foot in the door. Don't wonder if it would be wonderful, read the posts from the WS we can see that it is not. Find happiness in what you have. We all miss the "dating" but the dating wears off and sometimes we lose the best thing we ever had and that is our spouse. I don't know how old you are but I am 41 and I now know that safety and security in ones life are very important to me. I don't mean finacial I mean knowing that someone will be there to share the good times as well as the bad. No one deserves the pain associated with affairs, not the betrayed nor the betrayer. Read the post of the WS and feel their remorse and guilt, sadness, and thier heartfelt wishes that it would have never happened. Look at your marriage and try to discover what this OM offers you that your H is not. Find ways to get what you are looking for from your H and not from the OM. My advice tell him thanks but no thanks. Good luck Jenni

Angel-<P>I am so glad you came here to MB before you broke your vows! Brava!<P>I know that in a long marriage the newness of first love and attraction is long gone. I have been married 16 years and my H stuffed his feelings for so long, he forgot what it was like to be in love with me. So he naturally assumed that he wasn't, so when he was made an offer, he jumped right in with both feet and never looked back until I found out about it 15 mos later(August.)<P>Now with couseling he is going through his childhood issues, is realizing that feelings are not forthcoming, and so he is stuck between the OW and our marriage. He does not want to feel guilty about either one, so he commits to no one. We have made no marriage breakthroughs as of yet.<P>But you know what? The fact that I can acknowledge the fact that he can have issues, and problems to deal with to make this decision has allowed him to stay living in our home, with no disruption to the children(much.) I have my moments, but his life as he knows it has crashed, and he is scrambling around like ants before an earthquake. I have to give him time to recover with no pressure, so tht he is free to decide between us. In the mean time I work on me, and my inner self.<P>I hope that you can go to your H and ask to do the "his needs her needs questionaire", find out where the weaknesses are in your relationship. Maybe get a counselor to help you to reconnect. Before infidelity, be sure to get the help your relationship needs. Your long marriage attests to love, don't throw it away for someone you know to be a player. <P>Please think of how he would feel if you you went through with it. Read some of my old posts, you will get the idea. Around August are my first ones. Then think how you would feel to have been the cause of those feelings and pain. And think again!!!

Counter with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101</A>...<P>...sounds easy...<P>...where you're at... it IS easier.<P>Where you <I>might</I> be heading...<BR>...is NOTHING easy!<P> <P>Jim

Angel99,<P>Jim's right. PLEASE don't go through with this. Tell your husband of your feelings so that you can together find out why you have them and what you are missing.<P>I only wish my wife had done that... <P>-HD

Don’t go there, confide in your husband immediately.<P>This man has had a series of affairs; he does not feel for you he is driven by conquest and sex he is a sad person with something missing in his life.<P>My wife too was very inexperienced with men; she had only had a sexual relationship with me.<P>Her friends were shocked when they found out, all of them had has several lovers.<P>Maybe she too felt she had missed out.<P>So she had an affair with a guy who had been chasing her for 2 years! I never considered him a threat because she used to tell me. But one drunken night he kissed her and she responded and did not tell me. She felt if she responded it must have meant something, he turned up the heat in a big way and the rest is history.<P>If you ask her now she would tell you it was the biggest mistake she ever made in her life. Months on we both feel the pain, it HAS changed our life together, our trust with each over. It has us realise how much we love each other but neither of us would want to repeat the experience of the pain and devastation it has caused our family and us.<P>IT IS JUST NOT WORTH IT. Please, please, please, communicate your feeling to your husband together you can be strong, work on your marriage not on the fake feeling for the OM. <P>

To Angel99:<BR>Please imagine yourself divorced and your<BR>husband who is "such a fine man" crying<BR>and in tremendous pain caused by your affair.<BR>Do you think it would have been worth it.<BR>Your married girlfriends sound very sad.<BR>You sound like your a much better person <BR>than this. Talk to your husband about your<BR>feelings and try to reconnect your love.<BR>How would you feel if he did this to you?

Thank you so much for your comments. I've been reading some of the other posts, and have reaffirmed in my mind that a few moments of pleasure wouldn't be worth the pain and hurt I could cause myself and my H. In the long run, I think being on the straight and narrow is the best way to mental health and happiness. I know what the right thing to do is, I just needed someone else to tell me.

Angel, <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>He even asked me to have an affair with him, but I said no. He went on to have an affair with someone else<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>(Said with much sarcasm)You must have really been "special" to him if he moved on so quickly! He's proven to you he's a player, so don't even go near him again.<P>hardaynight,<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I too have had limited men in my life and sometimes felt like I was the only person that didn't have that experience,<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>So what is wrong with having "limited" experience. I've only "had" one woman in my life (I'm 40 next month) and I haven't missed a thing. If anything, it's the poor women who have been deprived of me! (said with at least a bit of humor).<P><P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Chris, wasn't saying there was anything wrong with it. I have never strayed (PA) from my vows. Now that the women are in the workforce,and everywhere else we are going to face the same temptations as men always have. Men are usually more (I stress usually) aggressive then women. We have to be able to say NO... and mean it. Congrats on being a one woman man. That is what we all pray for. No offense meant in my post. Jenni

Dear Angel:<P>You must look inside yourself and decide what it is that you want for yourself.<P>Is it to be single again?<BR>If yes, then seek a divorce.<BR>If no, then stay faithful to your vows.<P>Or is it to remain a faithful spouse?<BR>If yes, then stay faithful.<BR>If no, then seek a divorce.<P>There should not be any in-betweens...<P>Any deviation from the above two options is selfish and stupid. <P>If your current relationship is lacking in *something*, then it is UP TO YOU to mold it into what you desire.<P>Peace, ~Marie<P>------------------<BR>"If you cry because the sun has gone out of your life, your tears will prevent you from seeing the stars." ~unknown