I am so frazzled! Our kids are going to CA to visit my relatives after Xmas. We were just going to spend time alone, but the therapist thinks we should go on an intimate vacation, try to have fun and if it leads to sex, try it. YIKES!!! I am petrified. I know that I have wanted to get back to sex, but I thought it would come naturally, but I guess not after two years. <P>I set a deadline at the beginning of this thing, and have told everyone, that if the OW is not out by my bday(six mos. like Harley suggests) then H is out; to save my feelings left for him. This comes up Jan 31. I am so scared. I feel I cannot back out on this because my Wishy Washy H needs someone to do the decision making, and only makes progress when he comes up to a wall. Like the last boundry test in Chicago in Nov.<P>He discussed in therapy that no expectations should accompany this trip, no instantly falling back into love, all those hurtful things since I never fell out of love. It is hard to know that she lurks. Like the grim reaper. But he did promise not to take his phone(no contact during the trip) and not to discuss our present situation. We are just to go and try to have fun together.<P>Whatever happens, happens. No expectations. Even as my H commented, how can there be no expectations? This is hard. It is like the final test. Even though our seperation will not be permanant in Feb.(or maybe it will), it still feels like the end. Because the innocence of my children will be shattered, and reality as they know it; we ALL know it, will cease to exist and doubt will be ever present from then on as to the future for all of us. <P>I never wanted to put my kids through this. I really thought after 6 months, my H would see the light, but as it happens, he is even deeper into the pit of darkness.<P>Since I have told so many pwople of this boundry, can I back out? Should I? am I just being codepndent again letting my fears run amuck in me? Controlling what I still feel is the right thing for ME. Any advice? I am really scared of the next two weeks. H does not even want to do Xmas this year, but is faking it for the kids. I was hoping for the warm and fuzzies of the Xmas spirit to help with his decision! That was a total bust and a disappointment. I think all he got me was a CD. That is all I see, and I know he has not gone shopping lately. I wonder if he is going to remember to take the kids for my present. It could be a very scarce and humiliating Xmas. Then I will not feel good about going on a vacation. <P>I know I am projecting too much. I cannot help it. Every time I look around some more, to add to my wish list, all I can think of what is he painstakingly going to pick out for her? And what did he give her last year when he spent a week in NY with her?(I didn't know then.) I have been fairly positive lately, but these are the few things that are plaguing me this Xmas. <P>Is it so much to ask to be loved by one's husband? What a lonely christmas this is going to be. Then the vacation. I will make it through with my head held high. Thanks for the place to vent. And please give me some advice about this first Xmas without love, and this intimate weekend where the particiapnts can barely speak of private things....

Sending this back to the top before I go to bed... <BR>B

Hi BurnedSpouse,<P>I think you need to stay with your boundries. I have found that if I let a boundry slide than I am taken advantage of. Do the best Plan A you can and when it comes time for Plan B stick to your guns. <P>I know how you feel. You want your marriage but you also have to stay true to yourself. I have found with Tony that if I stick to my boundries and do what I say I am going to do he is better. I know it seems like you are treated your H like a child but hey it works. <BR>

Hi burnedspouse,<P>I'm a little unclear about your situation. Sounds like you're separated, H is having an A, and you're Plan A'ing with a self imposed deadline of Jan 31, right?<P>Does your H know about your deadline?<P>Also, regarding the intimacy thing, are you both nervous about starting that up again, or is one of you ready and the other unsure? How long have you guys gone without intimacy (with each other, that is)?<P>It seems to me that if you both want to try to reestablish intimacy, but are a little nervous, then the therapist's advice is good. Go to a nice romantic place, have a bottle of champagne to grease the skids, and see what happens .<P>But I'd say if one of you is opposed to intimacy at this point, this idea would be a bust. Too much pressure on the unwilling party. Reestablishing intimacy after a long dry spell is a little tricky, but then again, it's somewhat like riding a bicycle, or something like that .<P>Anyway, let me know if this helps or if I got the whole situation messed up. <P>AGG<p>[This message has been edited by AGoodGuy (edited December 14, 2000).]

Hi There! I've been thinking about you and hoping things were getting better for you. I really am sorry that your H is not there for you. I can tell in your posts that you love him and that you are trying so very hard. I even feel frustrated for you! My hopes and prayers will be with you in the next month, that your holidays will be full and that you do get some issues settled. Look to your children for the holiday spirit, see it in their eyes, celebrate the day with and thru their visions.<BR>You are so strong. I don't know if I would have been able to do what you are. I have always said to my H that if he was still with her I would be gone. I don't think I could handle that, but I also said that I would leave if he ever betrayed me, and here I sit.Never say never right? I do agree with the above post, that you should stick to your goals. But on the other hand only if it is what is right for you, and only you can make that decision. Never mind on being concerned with what others will think, do this for you and your children.<BR>Just an update to you and a response to your rely to my other post, My H is really not being the louse...I think I am. He is trying the best way he knows how...I'm just so withdrawn and pretty much feeling sorry for myself. I'n doing this I have built up this wall that even I can't see over. I have stopped writing, therapy and talking to him. But I will talk to anyone else. I have to find my way back to him. I've been thinking about this today and thinking about writing the OW a letter, not to send but to vent...and I realize that if I did it would prove to me I am letting her win by letting the A have so much affect on my life and moods still. I have recited what I would say in my mind and it just comes out that way. I just wish I could get out of this rut, realize the chance I have in that he does want to reconcile and wants me, and take it and run! I know others would jump at the chance I have in front of me!I know he won't wait for me forever...I have started meds and seeing a new therapist today. Hopefully this will help.<BR>Sorry I don't have much advice. I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you often, and look for your posts. Please realize that you are strong and caring, and will get thru this. You are special to alot of people here and in your life. I wish I could take some of your pain away. All I can do is offer my ears, shoulder, and prayers. God bless...<p>[This message has been edited by Not Giving Up (edited December 14, 2000).]

A Good G- My h and I are not seperated. He lives here in the house, in our bed, but will not give up the OW. He can really make no decisions at all. She or me, or even every day ones. He is in a very deep depression now. He started meds today. Finally. Dday was August 5th.<P>We have not been intimate since the A started in May of 99. He has "no passion" for me but is willing to see if the bod can work on auto. Really he has not thought about it. Nice, huh? When I first found out about the A, I wanted nothing to do with him. I even moved into the back room. 6 weeks later, I felt his A had inconvenienced me enough and simply moved back to our bed. We do not kiss or touch. It is very sterile.<P>He has had one phys. renevous with OW since I found out. I found out about that and nearly killed him. I then set the boundry of "no Phys with her or your out." He can play around on his own time, not under my nose, it is disrespectful of me and our marriage and our children.<P>The Next boundry is the one I set originally in August. H has 6 months to decide. OW or me. She must be out of the picture by then. I can barely make that time limit because I am so hurt, even though i plan A like a trooper! But he still talks to her and not to me! <P>The trip was suggested to see if there is any possible intimacy at this point. Any possibility of getting in touch with any of the original feelings we had, or even if we can have fun together. H does not say no to trying. He will make no commitments at this time, even during the trip. I wonder what OW would say if she knew? I wonder if he'll chicken out and not make the arrangements.<P>NGU- thanks for the update.