I found this thread in "emotional needs" and believe it is one of the best perspectives I have seen of an affair, and even though it pertains to an EA, I believe it would apply to PAs with a high emotional attachment equally as well. <P>From Happy Hus <P>Quote:<BR>Welcome to MB. <BR>I am responding to you to bring a different perspective to your situation. I am not condoning her relationship but trying to help you understand her perspective. If you can validate how she feels about it, you will find it much easier to help her get past her need for the OM. <P>First, she sees nothing wrong with the EA because she feels no romantic attachment to the OM. It isn't that kind of a relationship. It is a beautiful relationship because it is based on everything good and nothing evil. To admit it is wrong would be throwing away everything the relationship stands for. <P>What makes it special is the idea of having a relationship with someone of the opposite sex - but without sex. The OM admires her for her mind and soul without any expectation of sex or marriage. He gives her his time and expects nothing more back. He is never critical and always respects her point of view. His mind is new and exciting. She learns something more about him every meeting. She reveals a bit more of herself each time – like an emotional striptease. They discover each other bit by bit and help each other see the world in a different perspective. It is a wonderful and powerful feeling to share your dreams and thoughts with someone new. He is her soul mate and talking to him gives her the strength to keep going on. Without the OM, she would have left you long ago. <P>Does this make what she is doing right? No, of course not. But the felony is not in the EA but the failure to address the root of the problem in your marriage. You should be her soul mate. She should get everything from you that she is getting from the OM. But she has failed to communicate this need and teach you how to meet it. It was easier to find someone else to meet the need. So she cheated, took the easy way out and found a replacement for you. <P>You may be thinking “Why won’t she let me her soul mate, why not give me the chance? We used to be soul; mates before we were married.” The truth is that she doesn't believe you can be her soul mate anymore. She may perceive that she has tried to communicate but you weren’t listening. She may think you simply haven't got the skills. She may perceive that even if you did have the same skills as the OM you wouldn’t be able to see past all the day to day responsibilities and baggage in your marriage. Maybe she is so overwhelmed with all the junk communication that happens everyday she can’t even begin to be honest with you herself. How can she expect you to be honest with her. There is no junk with the OM. There is no need to communicate other than to be honest and share feelings with each other. How can you beat that? <P>You can because you really care. In marriage you develop a love for each other that surpasses the novelty of someone new. It is a bonding love and it doesn’t go away, even with divorce. This bonding love can be the glue to keep your marriage alive while you develop the skills to meet this need. Getting past the baggage and responsibilities is a hurdle but it can be learned. It takes time and patients. Marriage is an institution where you learn to love and be loved. There is a lot to learn and the two of you need to accept that although marriage isn’t perfect and never will be, it can get better. When you learn to communicate you can be just as honest and open as she is with the OM. You are both constantly changing and will learn something new about each other every day. Ultimately marriage can be far more rewarding than the relationship she has with the OM. Best of all, marriage lasts a lifetime. Once the two of you learn to meet each others needs these skills will lead you to a blissful relationship for many years. <P>I have been married for 25. The first 20 were full of crises and discontent. But we stuck it out, learned and grew. Now we have another 40 years ahead of us AND the skills to be soul mates even under trying circumstances. This is why she should leave the OM. This is a better and more rewarding goal. <P>Of course there is a crux to the whole story I just told. YOU have to be willing to learn and grow. YOU have to convince her you can. YOU have to change your behavior so extensively that she will be shocked into believing that real change may be possible. The book “divorce Busting” refers to making a 180 degree change. This is what you have to do while she is gone. Learn to act out of character –in a positive way. When she says something she knows will make you mad, love her instead. When she fails to look after the house, clean it up. When she behaves in a way that is meant to hurt you, instantly forgive her. She might do all of these things before she believes you are committed to change. <P>As for her wanting to separate. I don’t know much about how your communication at home has been. But this is usually an indication that she doesn’t feel emotionally safe. By that, I don’t mean the fears physical violence, but that she feels you do not acknowledge and accept her feelings. Perhaps you have been arguing about the OM. If you keep rejecting her feeling that the relationship is good and instead argue it is wrong, she will feel threatened and afraid of you. This may be why she needs to get away. Learning to validate should be your first goal. <P>Keep posting. Whenever you feel a need to vent, this is the place to do it. Also, read the other posts here and provide your input. Sometimes I discover more about myself and my spouse by responding to someone else’s problem and trying to put my thoughts and feelings into words. Have a great week. <BR>

inlimbo - a great find! There's a lot of wisdom in this. Thanks for bringing it to everyone's attention. You get the game ball for this great play!<P>WAT

For what it's worth, my H could have written that post, and I think it really did make a difference - that even though he was hurt and really couldn't understand what I was going through - he could understand how another man would be attracted to me. He understood why someone would pursue me - even though I was married. <P>It didn't make anything I did right - he wasn't condoning it, but he understood that something was in fact "missing." And, that is what we have been working on. From my side of things, I think it's some pretty good stuff, too.