<BR> I just got the book HNHR from the library. On page 162 Dr. Harley states in Step two : Don't put up with the affair for another moment.<BR> I am thoroughly confused. I have been doing plan A, and plan on continuing as long as God will give me the strength. Everyone on the forum advises me as such, with husbands depression, he also moved out in September. H is having an affair with coworker. So, am I supposed to do something else, in addition to or instead of plan A?<BR> Anyone out there with clarification?

deputywife:<P>His Needs/Her Needs is one of Harley's oldest books, and there is some stuff in it that clashes with his later material. I would suggest that you read <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>Surviving an Affair</A> first, and then <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Lovebusters</A> (if you think you have problems in that area), and then <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6010_give.html" TARGET=_blank>Give and Take</A>. Last for most marriages suffering from affairs is HN/HN.<P>Harley briefly explains Plans A&B in <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>this article</A>. You're not actually "putting up" with the affair right now. You're attacking it with his methodology. Plan A isn't forever (it can't be while the affair is going on)---it's used as a tool to negotiate an end to the affair, and as evidence to your wayward spouse that you can grow in the marriage in a way that should give them hope after the affair is over. Plan B is for when you get in danger of losing all your love for your husband---the no contact protects your lovebank from dwindling to 0 (or negative), and it also can escalate the *reality* of the affair.

Deputywife,<P>I understand what you are saying. I was willing to Plan A for at least the six months recommended. I did start with SAA as K suggests to you. It was the greatest help for me. I did tell H on more than one occasion that what he was doing was not fine by me. I loved him and wanted to be with him but that having a girlfriend while being married to me was not ok. I did this in a non LB way and I didn't do it everyday. Specifically, I did it when I felt that he was receptive enought to hear it. I hope that helps a little.

deputywife:<P>What cleopatra states is a very important point. Plan A's focus is centered around learning the learning the skills required for executing the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html" TARGET=_blank>Four Rules for a Successful Marriage</A> on a daily basis. So while the rule of Protection (eliminating lovebusters) is usually of primary importance, the rule of COMPLETE HONESTY is very important. Learning how to communicate that your husband's behavior is completely unacceptable to you is important---the tough part is doing that without using the "lovebusters".<P>You might want to consider counseling with the Harleys (Steve or Jenn). They do counseling over the phone, and you really gain a tremendous amount of insight if you take this path. I counseled with Steve during my wife's affair, and my wife counseled with Jenn after the affair was over. The office can set up an appointment for you: 888-639-1639.

Thanks alot from this beginner!<BR> There are so many helpful people- I love it!<BR> God bless you all!