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#8963 09/08/99 04:24 PM
Joined: Jul 1999
Posts: 65
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Posts: 65
I just read your reply to Sue about Plan B. I am currently 4.5 mos into Plan B after discovering H's affair 11/98. H filed for divorce 2 weeks after he received my Plan B letter, so your theory about why they don't file UNFORTUNATELY doesn't apply to me(I wish it did). <P>I would like to know about your follow-up Plan B letter and what made you decide to end Plan B and go back to Plan A? I have been having a little contact with H the past month when he picks up our boys for visitation. Yesterday was the longest conversation that we had since 5/99. I told him that I loved him, missed him and wanted him back in my life as my husband. He wanted to know why after all this time of no contact was I speaking with him; I told him it was just in case he forgot how I feel and that I don't want this divorce.<P>If you could share your experiences with me I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks.

#8964 09/08/99 05:54 PM
Joined: Jan 1999
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Jackie:<P>I'm sorry your husband rushed into the divorce filing. It sounds like he may have been trying to punish you (for his affair). The thought process of the betrayer is often beyond my comprehension.<P>The Plan B follow-up letter was a reaffirmation of my love for my husband, a further apology for the things I had done wrong and a commitment to work things out, and a request for a decison from him. There were three options: 1) continue as-is, 2) work on reconciliation through counseling and other means, or 3) terminate the marriage. It was done very considerately and lovingly. Frankly, it was the kind of letter I can't imagine ignoring.<P>I sent the letter and didn't get a response. I followed-up with an e-mail two weeks later asking if he had received it. He said he was working on a response. He never sent me one.<P>I popped out of Plan B after 5 months for a few reasons. 1) My husband was not seeing our baby at all during the Plan B time. I didn't want that behavior to continue, even if it meant that I had to become responsible for their interaction (for her benefit). 2) I personally became much stronger and felt that I no longer needed to be protected from his hurtful behavior. 3) It was clear to me that while Plan B had done its magic on me, it was doing nothing to advance the marital situation with my husband. He was continuing on with major avoidance behaviors, not going to counseling, overworking incredible hours, and not talking to anyone I know (including his family) about the marital problems. 4) Husband is a major conflict avoider. I concluded that Plan B would never work with him, as it just allowed him to completely disconnect from friends, family and his own children. That was the direction he was going and it looked to me like it would be forever. 5) Most important reason - my patience was running out, I thought there was more I could do to demonstrate to him that the situation was workable, and I wanted to know where he stood on things. Since he wouldn't answer my letters, I knew that meeting live was the only way to get any information.<P>I struggled with Steve Harley on whether to leave Plan B. Ultimately, I felt I had to and he gave me good guidance on how to do it. His only real concern was whether I could successfully pull it off without lovebusting. If you do Plan A, you have to do it right and it's very hard. But I spent so many months reading and learning from this board and others that I felt I could control myself, and I have. Everyone has noticed it, too. My husband and I have had zero arguments since re-engaging three months ago, and only one relationship-oriented discussion. "Safe and comfortable" is what I'm trying to achieve for him in our interactions.<P>Despite all this, things are still fairly messed-up. He's still seeing the OW, and that's the driving factor. Until/unless she goes, there'll be no significant progress. Essentially, I'm just waiting it out in a different way, and trying to make deposits in his lovebank wherever I can. I know that I'm making some, even though he's pretty stubborn about acknowledging it.<P>If you don't counsel with Steve, you might want to engage him to talk about this. Generally the Harleys do not recommend bouncing between the plans. You go to Plan B to save yourself, not to motivate your spouse. If you decide to leave it, you have to be able to behave in a very loving and considerate way towards someone that's openly cheating on you, and understand that it's still unlikely to change his behavior. <P>Unfortunately, we're all just waiting for their affairs to blow up, whether in Plan A or Plan B. Neither plan will do much to speed that up, and you're unlikely to make many deposits in their lovebank while they're having an affair. In Plan A, he's more likely to make withdrawals from yours. The real question is what is right for you, not what is most likely to change his mind.<P>I'm a little long-winded here. Best of luck and keep in touch. You can e-mail me at marketinglady@excite.com if you want to talk in more detail.


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