deputywife -<P>Hi, and I am WS, too. There for a long time, I was very depressed over just about everything, my life, my job, the affair, the devastation I caused. . .you name it, I felt bad about it.<P>For a while, I told my H that I wanted to move out - to clear my head. Thank God I never did, because my H has been my greatest source of strenght through my depressive moments. I never moved out, and eight months into recovery, I'm very glad that I didn't - I think it would have been harder to come home. I think I would have felt even worse by moving out.<P>I think what's going through your H's mind - because it went through my mind - was that I felt like I just needed a change. Whenever it be a new place to live - even temporarily - or a new job. . .I thought a change would jump-start me, make me feel better. <P>For time, my H and I even considered moving out of state - together - to start fresh. and for some people that may work, for us, I don't think it would have done that much for us - other than to separate us from family and friends - and that's not always a good thing. Moving isn't going to make the depression go away - so if you can convince your H to stay - I think that's a good option. Running from things, physical distance - doesn't solve the problems. You only avoid them for a little while.<P>I'm sorry that I don't know the details of your situation, but maybe your H could try counseling. My H and I have never gone to counseling, but deep down, I know that I could probably use it - not really to make our marriage stronger - but to help me deal with my emotions, my depression.<P>I say, even now, that I'm just so tired. It's not necessarily that I'm tired of trying, but I'm just tired of everyone having these "expectations" and I get more depressed when I can't live up to them.<P>Here's a small example. My H and I went to a Christmas party recently. The host stated in her invitation that food and drinks would be provided, but I sent a short message with my rsvp that I would bring some sort of snacks. Well, when it came time for the party, it was all I could do to get myself ready. During the day I had been very "down" about things and quite honestly did not feel like even making - or buying - some cookies to take.<P>On the way to the party, my H asked if I had brought anything in the way of food, and since we were running late anyway, I told him no. He kept insisting that we stop and get something - anything. And I kind of said something like "You know, I'm really sorry that I'm not living up to everyone's expectations. So, what if I didn't bring anything - it's just another broken promise, and I'm on a roll. "<P>Silly, I know, but that's the way I felt. I just didn't feel like dealing with it - any of it. Maybe you're H's feeling the same way - that a change, any change will make him feel better. I don't know. The only thing you can do, I guess, is just encourage him to talk to you, confide in you about his feelings. For me, one of the best things my H did, and I know it wasn't easy, was to listen when I needed someone to listen, just sit in silence with me if I didn't feel like talking or give me a hug, when I just needed a hug. He allowed me to share anything with him and I felt safe with him. he never really came down on me for feeling a certain way. He may not have understood it, but he was always there to support me, and for me, I guess that made a difference.<P>It sounds like your H is still involved in the affair, I don't know. I think I would just encourage him - or explain to him that you want to get through this together, work it out together. If he hasn't ended the affair and he's fence-sitting, he's going to have to make some hard decisions - whether to stay or leave. If you want him to stay, than I think you just need to encourage him to stay home - because - sometimes, physical distance from you can also mean emotional distance as well.<P>I hope he overcomes his depression, maybe medication would help?<BR>
