Hello, I usually post on the Just Found Out forum.<P>My situation is this: My W told me back in Sept. 1999 we had problems, she didn't really love me and didn't want to work on the marriage at this time. I read books and realized I had taken her for granted, etc. In Jan. 2000 I find out she has feelings for OM (out of state friend) but OM doesn't know this according to her. On Oct. 9, 2000 I find e-mails from OM that her loves her and sexual stuff. I confronted her and didn't throw her out because of the MB philosiphy. On Oct 25 I find a chat and saw the sexual crap my W and OM was saying. I confronted her on the chat. She wanted to move out since Sept to think about our marriage. She moved out Dec 2. She says to think about what she wants and OM is not a factor at this time because contact has been non-existent since I found the chat.<P>My question is, did I do the right thing by following the MB way or should I have thrown her out when I found the e-mails or chat?<P>I feel that if I had thrown her out, then it may have "shocked" her into reality. I feel if I had said that if I was that bad and you want to leave, then get out and fend for yourself for awhile to see what you really have in me. I feel by trying to meet her needs and letting her move out when she could really afford it, that I was a wimp and she had all the control and I had no say in anything.<P>Its been less than two weeks since she left. I talk to her almost every day and took her on a "date" saturday. I'm miserable and sometimes feel she'll never be coming back to me. At this time, there really is no chance of her getting together with OM because OM lives 1000 miles away.<P>My thoughts are running wild and crazy everyday. Some days are good and I'm optimistic; others are bad and doom & gloom.<P>Did I do the right thing in trying to meet her needs and not throw her out? I talked to Steve Harley 4 times, so I did have counseling. She doesn't want to work on anything. I try not to beat myself up and try to look at positive things like why I still love my wife. Today is just a bad day. I LOVE HER AND MISS HER.<P>I guess I just need some reinforcement that I did do the right thing. Sometimes it feels that I did the wrong thing and should have did the "tough Love" thing.

I often wonder the same things. One approach fits all doesn't fly in my book. I stuck with the MB thing because it was based on love and not anger, being a better person and not punishment, and MB seemed to present itself as a long term solution no matter what the outcome. I think that most thinking people would ask the same question if the results you are seeing were not what you were expecting. I read that one of the clinical definitions of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results.<P><BR>It's probably a crapshoot at best to think any other approach would have worked better. Since the MB approach has not been around for as long as infidelity and marriages have reconciled before MB was ever documented, I would guess it might work just as well.<P>I'm pretty cynical towards the whole thing at this point so please take my words with a grain of salt.<P>Mike<BR>

ihurt,<BR>It's impossible to answer this question. You'll never know what may have happened by doing something in hind sight. Try to look at it this way. Even if it was the wrong thing to do you had the opportunity to spend several weeks showing her that you wanted to change things for the better. In yourself and your M.<P>If you had tossed her out she would have felt vindicated or "right about you and the M"<P>At least now, if she never comes back she will have to spend life wondering if she made the wrong choice in not waiting to see if you were sincere.

I think you were too good to not throw her out right away, but its because i usually act out of impulse. The only thing that sounds more important to me is that she doesnt want to work it out. If that is the case then you should let it go and let her think about it. Its up to you if you continue as friends, but dont act needy towards her. For some reason us women(well thats just my opinion, dont take too seriously) but us women, at least I dont like needy wimpy acting men. We sometimes like it better if we know there is competition. maybe you should just go out with friends, not relationships, but just friends, and maybe that will open her eyes and think that if she leaves you alone too long, you may not be around too long for her. anyways im new so take my advice with a grain of salt too.<BR>

I don't know enough about your situation, such as what took place between Sept. 99 and now. However, I believe you didn't do the wrong thing. You can never know how things would have worked out if you had thrown her out, and you don't know what the outcome will be now. It is a personal choice. Some would go the throw her out option, some don't. I didn't. In my case, I want to know that I did everything I could to make my marriage work. If I had done something radical early on, I believe my wife would have liked to be able to blame our split on me.<P>I hope you we're Plan Aing during the past year...sounds like it from your post. It isn't too late for your wife to be "shocked" into reality. If you we're trying to meet her needs, and now she is living alone, she will notice the difference. I would suggest doing as much as you can to show her that you have a life and do things she'll notice. Buy some new clothes, be busy, see friends, go to movies, just be a bit unavailable so she wonders what you are up to.<P>In the end, do what you think is right, but I think making her wonder as I've just described is good. You can still see her, be cheery, etc....just do your own thing too.<P>Don't beat yourself up over not throwing her out. You we're not a wimp...you did what you felt was right to try and save your marriage. A wimp would just throw in the towel and not fight. It takes alot of inner strength to try to meet ENs in an effort to save your marriage, while dealing with OMs and affairs. She has left despite your efforts, so you can now say that you gave it your best shot. No one can take that from you.<P>Your thoughts running wild is normal. Especially since her departure is so recent. Believe me, I know that feeling. Hang in there and just be the best you can be, and take care of yourself.

Thank you for your posts. I've been plan A'ing for awhile now and sometimes, when things don't seem good or no progress is made, you start wondering if you handled things the right way to mend the marriage. I know I'm not a wimp, but sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I got angry and played it tough! But, as everyone knows, getting angry and doing things without thinking doesn't solve anything.<P>I am doing things on my own and I'm trying not to act "needy". It's just hard when she's not home or around me. I miss her!

It probably does just depend on the person and circumstances. I didn't throw my W out though it was and is tempting. I don't recall who it was that replied to one of my first posts, but what they said really struck a chord with me. If I keep her there and plan A and she still decides to leave, it's her decision and "the door won't have my name on it". If this doesn't work out I will honestly be able to say I did everything in my power and I did not give up on her/us, she did.

Not that it might make any difference in your case, but just how does one "throw out your wife" if both spouses work and make about the same amount of money? From what my lawyer tells me, adultry is a charge that gets you nowhere nowadays in divorce court. In my state, it doesn't even have an effect on child custody. So just what legal right does one spouse have to throw the other out? Aside from using basic threats like treatening to tell everyone you know about the affair (not to mention that one be as about anti-Plan A as you could get}, there really isn't anything you can do.

Alwayshopeful,<P> Legal seperation is the method I used to "throw" the Ws out... Actually she already moved out but this is giving me legal custody of the children and divides everything just as if you were Divorced. I finalize my seperation on Wednesday even though we are beginning to start to work on our problems. I needed this to take the children out of the picture. Every time there was any conflict she threatened to go after the children even though she admitted they were best with me. It's basically a way to legally cover yourself without throwing in the towel.... Just my thoughts... Crick