Hi Guys,<P>I'm not new to this forum. A couple of years ago you guys got me through the rough time of my marriage ending. Now 2 years later, I'm back because of problems arising from it. I'm not divorced yet, but will be soon.<P>Just a quick run down of what went on back then and then I'll ask you all for some help, if you don't mind.<P>Two years ago I discovered that my stbx was having an affair with my brother's wife. This had been going on throughout my pregancy and soon after my last son was born, I have 2 boys - a 7 year old and an almost 2 year old, he announced he was in love with her and that everything in our relationship was my fault and he deserved to be happy, so he was leaving to be with her. At todays date, he has been living with her ever since. <P>I got through the rough parts and him being with her now has no effect on me, but here is my dilema. Throughout the whole thing, I lost pretty well everything including my home, car etc. That didn't bother me because I had my children and they were what I was worried about. I love them dearly and he knows that. Now he is trying to erase me completely from their lives by trying to get my children to call her "mommy". I'm at a lose for what to do. He consistently bad-mouths me to my children and has gotten her 2 children, my brother's daughters, in on the act. They push and push and if they don't get their way, they punish my 2 boys.<P>Guys - if you could, give me some advise here. The toll on my children is breaking my heart and I'm also worried about if they succeed!!!<P>Thanks in advance!

Dj2,<P>Your divorce isn't final yet...<BR>...<B>excellent</B>!<P>Get in touch with your lawyer (or a lawyer)... and put a clause into your settlement agreement as to "no parent shall do anything to alienate the children from the other"...<P>Put in the specifics of what has been happening to your 2 kids!!!<P>Make sure there is another clause to the effect that... in the event of a violation of the "non-alienation" clause... the offending party will have to pay all legal fees when brought to court!!!<P>These are in my settlement papers...<BR>...and I feel they are very important!!!<P>Another point...<BR>...you must document the bad-mouthing!!!<P>Ask your lawyer if you can "tape record" <B>your</B> conversations with your children...<BR>...in discovering the bad-mouthing...<BR>...since judges are reluctant to bring young children to testify...<BR>...and third parties (like grandparents) impact is less important!<P>If you need/want the exact wording on my separation form (I have it sitting next to me as I go to court next Wednesday)... e-mail me at imherczeg@ivillage.com .<P> <P>Jim

I agree with the last response. These are legal issues now and he apparently is not thinking about the best interests of the children. There is a lot of info on children and divorce and what to do to make it easier on them--is he open to reading any of this stuff? If not, just go with the lawyer, any chance you can get anything else back that you lost?<P>------------------<BR>

Thanks for the responses. There is absolutely no way to get him to read anything about making things easier on my children. He just comes back with the same response, that I am the problem, not him. He had even gone to tape recording our fights a while back, when I had said some not so nice things to him, and playing them for relatives and my children. I know this is a legal matter now, but I'm just not sure how to approach it and what exactly to do. My oldest son even tells me that he thinks he will do anything to get "rid" of me and have my boys with him and her. <P>Thanks for the posts again!!

Ditto what Jim said!<P> Just want to add this: Get a non-biased third party in on this. You can usually accomplish this with a school counselor (usually have Master's or better in Child Psych). Have them speak to the boys about the issues at hand, and ask them for documentation of *everything* said. Also, ask for their professional opinion on how this is affecting the boys, in writing. <P> Then, take that documentation to your lawyer. Believe me, I did this and I *got* results! The counselor's only interest was for my child's welfare... not what I or my xH wanted... and she was qualified to give a professional, non-biased opinion... that would hold up in the courts, if I needed it.<P> Best,<BR>~~Mynabird

Thanks MynaBird,<P>It's funny you should mention the school counsellor thing, because I just went to the school to get a counsellor assigned to my son. My only fear with that is the stbx is trying to persuade the counsellor his way. Can he do that or will they remain unbiased?

YW, Dj2...<P> The counselor should remain un-biased... especially if they have many years of experience. If you find that this one you are trying doesn't listen to your concerns or blows you off, get another one assigned to your son. <P> Do go ahead and arrange for the counselor to interview your son (both of them, if possible) and document all the details. As I said before... they only (hopefully) care about the child's well-being, not the parents' opinions of each other.<P>best,<BR>~~Mynabird

Dj2,<P>From my own property settlement agreement...<P><B>NON-ALIENATION:</B> Neither party shall do anything directly or indirectly to alienate the children's affections of the other party, or to consult and cooperate with respect to the children, so as to advance their health, as well as their emotional and physical well-being, and to give and afford to them the affection of both parents and a sense of security.<P>Both parties shall conduct themselves in a manner that will be best for the welfare and happiness of the children. Neither party shall do anything that shall adversely affect the morals, health or welfare of the children. The parties shall endeavor to guide the children as to promote the affectional relationship between the children and both parents.<P><I>Please include specifics of your H's actions!</I><P><BR><I>and at the end of my agreement</I>--------------------<P><B>ATTEMPT TO SETTLE DISPUTES:</B> In the event of any dispute arising out of this Agreement, or of the performance of the terms, the parties will attempt to settle the dispute by agreement before applying to the Court for determination. If a dispute is ultimately resolved by the Court, and it is determined in such court proceeding that one party has not complied with the terms of this Agreement, such non-complying party shall be responsible for legal fees incurred by the other party.<P>----------------------------------<P>I hope this helps you and others too!<P> <P>Jim