<P>I have purposefully kept the FULL truth from my family. They know how I feel, and what petty retaliations i take, but they don't know the real reason and the depth of my pain and misery.<P>I was talking today, and Dad was saying how silly and childish it was of me not to my H's laundry. I told him this after my H had lied to me and gone on a trip with the OW-it had HER all over them. I wasn't about to touch anything of his that she might have touched. Of course I did not tell him that part!<P>I told him about my boundry and he is convinced that I am throwing my H out on a whim, and that I can expet him to be gone for good. That I should not do this, and should buckle down and keep at the therapy even with no progress. Of course what he does not know is that It RIPS my heart out every day I live with the indifference . The fact that he loves someone else, talks to someone else intimately, and he is not with me. He is afraid of everything we have here. I am really out of luck right now. But my love is waining under the pain and stress of this as it nears the 6 month mark of my dday.<P>The fact that my H can sit there and tell me that there is no passion for me, he does not care if I am hurt(I was in accident and go to the Chiropracter 3 times a week; he never inquires.) He feels nothing. He can commit to nothing, he is acting like a teenager and he has a drinking problem.<P>All of these things I cannot tell my Dad. Everyone loves him, and are thinking of the old H, not the stranger that rolled in here with the mlc. He simply is not anything like his normal self. It is hard to explain to the family. They think if he is not leaving me, then things are improving. I want to tell them, but I know it is wise not to. If we reconcile, it would be a disaster.<P>But it hurts to be judged by Dad. He got stiffed by my mom and does not hold women very hi in marriage esteem. (except his wife, now.) He is indirectly blaming me. I think if he knew, he would be mad at H, but still blame me for not seeing the eye of the storm. I did, it was that I could do nothing with a H that would never talk about things. Now he CANNOT. I wish I could make Dad see where I am, without telling him the real truth. But it is not likely. I really feel alone. I feel betrayed by Dad too, in a way. I must be low of spirit today.<P>Does anyone else's parents do this? This is really hard for me. I feel so hurt, and I cannot tell the truth. I hate having to protect this despicable secret. This humiliating secret. Darn my H!!!!!!!!!!

I feel for you deeply, although I have no words of wisdom to help you, I can tell you that you are not alone.<P>In my case, my stbx is living with my brother's wife. He not only hurt my boys and myself, but he hurt my brother and his daughters. The real kicker is that my other brother and his family have become best friends with them and don't consider our feelings at all. They know full well what has gone on, yet they still continue this behavior. <P>Go figure...the behavior of people you think would support no matter what, never do.<P>Hang in there. I know it's hard, but you can do it. Whether you're with him or without, make sure you maintain yourself.

My freind Beth,<P>Why do you continue to keep this secret? Who is this benefiting? <P>I know your goal is your marriage healing. I understand that you don't want them to think badly of your husband if you two stay together...but what we BS have to remember is that we didn't do this...the WS did. Why should we continue to be victims.<P>When I told my mother about Steves cheating the first thing she said to me is..."I want you to know you've always been a good wife and a good mother." This may seem like a pretty simple statement, but it was exactly what I needed to hear. My mother is not the warmest person on the face of the earth...and those words started my healing.<P>Beth, does your therapist expect you to keep this from your family? I am no expert here, but people do forgive. This is very common stuff...the more I speak to people, the more I find that almost everyone I know has gone through something like this...people I would have NEVER expected to fool around have told me things about themselves that shocked the heck out of me. Your family will forgive him. <P>You have got to quit beating yourself up here hon. You have also been a good wife and mother. Your H is a mixed up child right now...wants both lives. You are right to start holding him accountable for his time, his emotions and even his damn laundry. Maybe no one that hasn't experienced how horrible it is to look at a load of clothes right out of a suitcase and knowing...knowing that they have been touched by another person would not understand...I say good for you for not touching it.<P>You know that other post of yours about going away while your kids are gone...maybe I should not suggest this, but go by yourself. Find a great spot, somewhere YOU want to go, and just go for it. Give yourself a little vacation, time to think, time to heal. Don't worry about him contacting OW while you're gone. It's just a suggestion, but I know the few times I've managed a few days alone it's done incredible good for my soul.<P>Honey, hang in there. Keep your boundries. Keep your self respect. Think hard about keeping your secret. <P>allison

Beth,<P>If you want your family to support you, as hard as it will be and as much as you don't want to do it, you are going to have to tell your family what is really going on. The way things stand they see the old h, and you may, in their eyes seem to be the one changing and acting totally out of caracter.<BR>They can't really offer support and give sound advice if the have no idea why you are reacting to h the way you are. <P>It may make things difficult if you reconcile<BR>but then again it may not. <B> IF </B> you do tell them then add that you hope to reconcile and if that happens you hope they can support you in that as well.<P>But your wound will keep being bumped into and made more painful accidently by people who don't even know it's there. <P>Just my 2 cents

I am sorry that things are so unfair and painful for you right now. My parents knew about my wife's sudden change in personality, and right from the start, have made it clear that they can't understand what my wife is doing. So I don't have the same situation as you. I have not told mine about the A, and I would like to never have to reveal this to them, just in case they could not get over resent in the event of reconciliation.<P>In a case like yours, I'd have a hard time not telling my parent(s) some truths, so they didn't think it was me who was running away. That is just me though. Every family dynamic is different. I did tell mine right at the start, that if my marriage ends, it won't be me doing it. I suppose that helped set their opinions.<P>If you did ever decide to tell your Dad, I'd just suggest throwing in some insight about the fog, how affairs start, etc. I'd do that if I ever told mine. And make it clear that you still want to reconcile, and expect their support if that happens.<P>I know things are very difficult for you now....I wish I had something better to tell you. All I can say is I feel for you and you aren't alone, as you already know.

I would not have such a hard time telling them if they did not have bad memories about divorce. Theirs was a doosy and for the same reason as i am going through except it was my mom. She was not happy with her life, and she went out to find someone she whought would make her happy.<P>For a long time Dad thought all women would do this and crush their husbands as they walked out the door. With no reasoning, just goodbye as soon as they found a new husband.<P>Then it happened to my mom the same way she had done it the first time(her H did it twice, no less.) <P>My therapist said something ingenious. If you leave a marriage without knowing why, and just give up, then you take your problems on to your next relationship and that one is bound to fail too, and every one from then on...It is the root problem, the one inside of the WS that puts an end to it, but it has to be resolved, but they usually run and start fresh because it is easier.<P>Thanks for the responses everyone. I seem to be protecting everyone here. A very codependant thing to do. But I can't give this one up, not yet.

Burned...by sharing your not giving it up..<BR>your sharing your hurt and pain with ppl who love you and will understand the hurt you<BR>are feeling..