All a long, I thought I was suppose to be "nice" and not argue and things would be good, right? Wrong. I don't think it matters what I do. <P>Well, this morning (I'm not even suppose to be up right now), I woke up and our door was open and my son was standing inside the room talking to one of the little kids right outside the door. <I>Here is where I messed up:</I> I wasn't "psychic" enough to know that my son was already outside, but that he came back in. Since I didn't know this, I made him come back inside because all I was concerned about was the door being open while I was still asleep (I woke up when I heard him at the door). My husband comes back up from somewhere (he says the bathroom, I don't know) and is asking me why I pulled my son out of his brother's room. I told him I didn't, that I just woke up and the door was open and I didn't like that. He said he didn't leave the door open. Then he asks me how come I didn't let my son back into his little brother's room. I knew where this was going (a fight) so I said "Fine, take him back in there.". Then he says something under his breath about this being other good day. I swear I didn't argue with him, but it doesn't matter what I do. Since nobody tells me nothing, how am I suppose to know? If I ask him about something, he thinks I'm trying to start an argument. That's why I don't talk to him about problems because he always sees it as an argument and shuts down. That's why I come here because I have no one else to talk to. <P>Well, I was under the impression that things were getting better, but that they actually weren't since he's seems kinda mad that my son doesn't spend every waking moment with his family. OK, with that said how is it not possible that my son doesn't spend enough time with his family? His mother has him almost 11 hours a day (I work 8, but I have to commute) for 5 days a week unless there's something wrong with my son, then I stay home with him. While he's there with her those 11 hours, his little brother sees him everyday when he's not at school (a lot) or when he comes home from school (he gets home at 3:45pm on weekdays and I get home around 5pm to 5:30pm). Her husband is also there when he's not at work or when he gets home before me. On top of that, my husband's older brother, his wife, and their kids come over when I'm not there, so tell me, how is my son not spending enough time with his family???? I don't get it so please point it out to me (I'm not being sarcastic, I just want this mess to stop). It seems like every time I turn around, there's always some problem with my son being around me. Let's do some math here: I only see him an average of about 4 hours a day, if he's not asleep when I come home and that will make it about 2 hours. On the weekends, I used to see him all weekend, now it's been cut to about 8 hours (including his nap). So, altogether, that's 36 hours compared to the 61 hours a week his family sees him. Please tell me this is not how it's suppose to be! If I keep cutting my time with my son so his family can see him, I'm going to lose my son!<P>As it stands now, I've never really had a "true" bond with my son (and still don't) because of my husband's mother (read the thread entitled "I'm a bad mother" to find out). Since that time, she has stopped (well, it's stopped visually, I can't see her doing anything anymore) and now my husband is picking up where she left off. I don't understand this. It feels like my son is being ripped away from me, almost like I had a child for another family. Because of this, I'm seriously considering having my tubes tied or cut, whichever will stop me from having anymore children. I can't go thru this again with another child. <P>I know someone is going to say there's something I can do, but from what I'm thinking right now, I'm in a no-win situation. If I let my son spend more time with is family (I would have to decrease my hours from 36 to about 25), my son doesn't wnat to come back to me (yes, I've heard him say this). On the other hand, if I try to spend more time with him, my husband gets mad and they get mad. I looks to me as if my husband is against me on this one. The reason why I say that is being my husband has a great bond with my son. My husband is always pushing him downstairs, he never really wants to take care of him when he's home unless I come home. I, on the other hand, have a very weak, fragile bond with my son and it's still breaking. If I try anything to "strengthen" our bond, it's met with statements like "Why can't my parents see him more?" and "Why won't you let him play with my little brother more?".<P>I have not problem with him being with his family, that's fine. Someone mentioned on the other thread I wrote to use this time to be close to him, but my husband uses it to play video games. I've learned to leave him alone when he's doing that because it makes him madder when I mess with him while he's doing that. So, when my son's out there having fun, I'm usually on the net reading this site or doing nothing and my husband is playing video games.<P>OK, I'm going to wrap this up by asking the following questions:<P><B>1.) What in the world do I do wrong?<BR>2.) Should I let my son spend more time with his family and less time with me?<BR>3.) How am I going to strengthen me and my son's bond when there never really was one?<BR>4.) How do I find a solution that fits everybody without sacraficing my son?<BR>5.) Do you think we were really making progress or was this in the background all along?</B><P>Please help me to understand what I did wrong to correct it. I'm sick and tired of watching my son pull away from me with the help of my husband. I don't understand it. Thank you.<P>Signed,<BR>A very sad Miaka<P>PS I forgot to mention in all this that my son's temper tantrums are getting worse, not better. Ignoring him is not working, he just cries longer and my husband always gives in. <p>[This message has been edited by yuki miaka (edited December 16, 2000).]

Miaka,<BR>Even though you have made changes, and those changes in yourself will make a real difference in your relationships, sadly those changes will take time to become permanent. Sometimes it will feel like two steps forward, one step back. Sometimes it may feel even worse, but if YOU keep making both outward and inward progress, eventually things will get better rather than worse.<P>Sometimes your in-laws will still annoy you. Sometimes your H will still behave inappropriately. Even if you were absolutely perfect, every minute of every day (and none of us are), the people around you may still act carelessly, inappropriately or insensitively. That's just the way the world is.<P>Instead of immediately thinking it is something YOU did wrong, just focus on that they are really not used to your new attitude and/or they are not perfect, either.<P>And we all know that as long as you are living in their house, things won't be perfect. Maybe torerable, but not perfect. <P>I don't know specifically what you should do, but my advise is to just keep up your new attitude. <P>One suggestion is you take your son out of the home for some one on one time. Spend time at a library, or a McDonald's, tour the mall to look at decorations and displays. Then for that hour or two you will not have any chance of the tug-of-war your H's family plays with you...and your son will not be distracted, either.<P>And the tantrums? Ignoring him doesn't work, because he isn't being ignored. He had learned to pump it up louder and longer and his dad will give him attention. I know YOU can't control that, Miaka, but that seems to be what is happening.<P>My heart goes out to you. You are truly in a difficult situation. I hope that sometime in the New Year, you will find yourself in a new home!<BR>

How's it going today, Miaka?<P>It kind of sounds like you are in a vicious cycle at the moment. I know how that goes; my husband and I have done the same thing.<P>The only thing I can suggest is to take a step back before you answer and remember that your husband isn't speaking to you about that day's events, but rather from all of the events he has experienced. <P>It is hard to not react when you are treated unjustly, but try to remember that many reactions are based in hurt feelings from the other party. Try to step back and show love instead of asking for love.<P>Not an easy task, my friend. I wish you all the best. --HBC

Sorry I can't really reply right now. I'm dead tired and I have a million things to do before I go to work tomorrow, namely washing clothes. I just wanted to let you know that I read your replies and that I can't reply to them until tomorrow evening. I'll be back.....<P>Miaka