We are supposed to be 'in recovery' but we're far from even starting. H weaseled<BR>his way back into my life six months ago when he asked to come back home and implied that it was over with OW. It wasn't and it's not. In retrospect, I don't think he ever intended to end it with her. Since he's been back, there have been three (probably four) occasions where he's taken off for a few days at a time, sometimes leaving me a cryptic note, other times just disappearing without a trace-- to spend time with her. The latest being last evening. He called me at the end of his shift and said that "something's come up, & he was driving down (to where she lives)". Then he said he'd see me on Monday. I simply hung up on him. I also discovered a post office box key on his keyring a few weeks ago. So, that's one of the ways they've been in contact. I said nothing about this to him.<P>I have been doing a lot of soul searching the last few months. And, mentally acknowledging his actions towards me, that before this nightmare began, I would have just sloughed off. Not only does he treat me with disrespect, he is downright unkind and mean towards me. He tries to shred what little self esteem I have left. He has openly admitted he is envious of my personal and professional successes. Not that there have been many and not without great struggle!<P>I just finished reading "Private Lies" by Frank Pittman, and I'm in the middle of "Life Strategies" by Phil McGraw. Reading them in tandem has been a wonderful and insightful experience. I can clearly see now that my H is a "romantic" who is in love with that 'in love' high. It's an addiction. And, I don't see any signs of him ever recovering. OW is a romantic too who has trashed her marriage & jeopardized her two young children for their illicit, passionate affair. According to Pittman, "an explosive combination". I know that they will eventually go up in flames. And H is still sane enough to admit this too. But, H's conselor and more importantly H also, believes that he will just go on to the next affair.<P>I simply cannot allow myself to become another casualty in the wreckage of his life. He has managed to alienate every "significant other" who has ever been in his life-- including his one and only child. He has no friends because he has never learned how to be one. I feel sorry for him, but I must save myself. I have been in this hell called infidelity for eighteen months now. I feel that I have honestly tried everything I know of to save this marriage. Now I'm not so sure that there ever was very much to save. I think that much of our marriage was a fantasy, an illusion, too.

Dear Sidney,<P>I was where you are back 7 mos ago. I opted to ask my H to leave, after 11 mos of Plan A and this being his second A, I just couldn't take anymore pain and blantant disrespect. I was starting to LB ALOT.<P>My H also would disappear for a couple days at a time. He'd tell me he'd go on a road trip (musician) and then I'd find out he was staying w/OW. He'd lie and lie and lie. Altho I was in Plan A and working on myself, knowing I needed to take responsibility for 1/2 our marriage and I needed to see this was all about him (I couldn't control him), I couldn't help but feel like a doormat. These "THINGS" he was doing were so very very disrespectful. And to top it off he left me at home alone to struggle with being sick. That alone is one course of action he took that I still struggle with, I just don't understand or fathom he did that. <P>I do understand how you're feeling, Hon. I feel the hurt you're feeling and wish your H would feel it too. <P>I'm reaching out to you and telling you that you're not alone in this. I'm here and so is God. If you take some time away from you hurt and pain and do your best to distance yourself from the betrayal, try and decide if you may be really "done" with your efforts in Plan A. Ask yourself questions: Are you about to loose all love for your H? Are you going to start to LB him? If the answers are "yes" then perhaps a seperation and Plan B is in order, Sidney. But please do remember once seperated the chances for recovery are less. <P>I'm sorry you're faced with these decisions, Hon. There is no part of this awfulness that is easy, not one facet seems to be less hurtful than the other. They're just different, but no less painful.<P>I don't know if I've helped you. I hope my words have brought a smidgen of comfort to you tho. Please keep posting to us, we're here for you.<P>God Bless.....<P>Love,<BR>Jo<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited December 17, 2000).]

Thanks for sharing with me Jo and your words of support. They do mean a lot to me. Yes, you are right in that we really do need to separate. I realized this back in July when I first discovered he had not ended the affair. Then, I asked him to leave. And, he refused! My doctor was very concerned about me and told me that he would sign any necessary paperwork in order to get a restraining order. We live "in the country" and I knew that any type of legal action could not be enforced, so I opted to take a wait and see approach. Plus, my H was seeing a psychiatrist and was on several medications at the time. I was praying that maybe they would straighten him out. Well, as of last week, he decided to stop taking them all-- cold turkey. I was very concerned about this as was his counselor. But, when he decides to do something, there's no talking him out of it.<P>I think most of all right now, I am just very, very afraid. My family are all 1500 miles away and my support system consists of a couple of very dear friends whom I have burdened enough already.<P>If it came down to it, I could leave but I don't feel that I should be the one forced out of my home. Especially, since he cannot afford the house payment on his own (while I can). I would wind up living in a depressing apartment while subsidizing his lifestyle in our nice home. I suppose I could bear that final insult but it sure would be tough. I suggested we place the house on the market but he's been dragging his feet-- coming up with all kinds of excuses why we should wait.<P>The last time we were separated (he abandoned me) for six months, he would not leave me alone. He called me constantly and drove up every week. He was absolutely dumbfounded when I had the locks changed on the house. He complained about that numerous times and made certain I knew "how much that hurt him". It was unbelievable.<P>After that experience, I fully believe that should I decide to end it once and for all, the only way to get free of him will be to leave town with no forwarding address. I told him that and his response was, "You wouldn't do that to me. That would be punishment". <P>I know that I'm going to have to do something. And, probably very soon.<P>Thanks for listening.<BR>

Hi Sidney:<P>There are times in this nightmare we call infidelity that to preserved our own sanity we have to let our WS go. The assault on our emotional stability and apparent total disregard for our feelings leaves us with no real further option...to preserve what we have left of ourselves. <P>The WS lost in the fog is blind to the fallout of the A...they only care about not letting go of their newfound "love". We are the ones who have to protect ourselves....whatever that entails...until such time as the WS comes out of the fog and is ready to deal with his "real" life again.<P>Hanging in there is easier for the BS if they don't have to deal with it everyday...WS disappearing for days...the lying and disrespect...only you can protect yourself right now. Believe me it is easier and while the WS is resolving his infatuation...you can continue to Plan A and work on yourself...absent the hardship of the continued insanity being thrown in your face everyday.<P>Do what you have to do to protect yourself.<BR>Put your WS in God's hands and let time take care of what it will.<P>Prayers and Angels ~ Faye<P>

Thanks for taking the time to reply, Faye. Yes, you are right. I have to protect myself. Not only is he not looking out for me, but sometimes I feel like he is really out to destroy me. So many unsettling things have happened lately, that I'm beginning to become a bit paranoid. There have been times when I've felt afraid of him (although he's never become physically violent with me). He has a problem with anger, & he told me once that his counselor mentioned she was concerned about him having a "flashpoint" and taking it out on me. The shrink had him on several psychiatric medications, and he stopped taking them cold turkey last week. That frightens me. Shortly thereafter he does another one of his disappearing acts. I believe he suffers from manic depression, although the doctor never came out and said that. His diagnosis is depression, organic mood disorder and post traumatic stress.<P>Oh well. I realize there's not much more I can do at this point. It is in God's hands.<P>Thanks for listening.

Hi Sidney,<P>I am so sorry to see you are still dealing with this. I know how very difficult it is to be with an H who is still seeing OW - not even bothering to really lie about it very well, and yet whom you somehow feel responsible for because he has a psychiatric illness and you don't want to either make it worse - or "punish" him for something that may be out of his control.<P>But you are worth love and care too Sidney. From yourself. And you will be no good for anyone if you don't take care of yourself first. <P>I know that since my H and I have been separated, things have stabilized for me personally. It is more depressing in a way, because I do believe that once separated chances for reconciliation decline precipitously - there is a certain dampening of hope that happens. But for me, the constant up and down, hope, expectation, re-discovery cycle was worse. <P>Only you know what is right for you Sidney. You have been a rock for him all through this. Have some compassion for yourself too.<P>hugs,<BR>Starpony

Thanks so much for your words of support, *Pony. Last evening H and I began some discussion on how we would divide our assets.<BR>Of course, as usual, the discussion quickly diverted to our relationship. I think I've finally discovered the root cause of our problem. H has always leaned on me heavily and expected me to be his "rock", his stability. And, he idealized me and put me up on this tall pedestal. Well, around 2 years ago, I began to have some severe problems at work, and because he wasn't working, I felt terrible pressure and incredibly trapped. Without realizing it, I was spiralling into depression. I fell into the habit of coming home and venting. Well, it turns out that this terrified him-- suddenly I was melting down and his security (he thought) was threatened. This fear resulted in a lot of anger towards me. Of course, he could not communicate any of these feelings to me at the time. Because of the anger, he cut me off emotionally. And, the anger affected any feeling of desire or intimacy with me. He has told me several times that the relationship with OW is not longterm. He says their relationship is "flawed". He says that she knows it and so does he. Although, I suspect that she thinks differently. Anyway, last night he said that he's resigned himself to the fact that he is going to end up alone. He said that I was the "perfect match" for him and if he couldn't make our relationship work, then it's hopeless that he'll ever be able to make one work.<P>He is such a pessimist!! Now, I'm really confused!!