I invited H over on Saturday night (my weekend with the kids) because he had been nice enough to do the same on his weekend. He said he wanted to talk to me after the kids were in bed. I asked him ahead of time if it was good or bad and he said he thought it was good. (I didn't want more of that ulcer-like feeling of not knowing.) <P>He said he was ready to come home and work on our marriage and wanted to know what I needed him to do! We calmly talked about the first 3 conditions -- drop divorce proceedings, give up townhome, and give up her. He said he had assumed those things, what else would I need. I said I would have to have a clear sense of 100% commitment from him so it didn't feel like I was the one always on trial trying desperately to measure up. I also said that we would need counseling and he agreed, mentioning that maybe we should try MB counseling. (He read and was very impressed with SAA at an earlier period out of the fog.) <P>We also talked about whether we needed to move to a different city and he told me that OW was talking about leaving his firm so that may not be necessary. He wondered if I would be comfortable staying in the same city if they didn't work at the same place anymore and I said maybe if we took enough "no contact" steps. I also mentioned that I might be a little uncomfortable with this scenario if he saw OW leaving for another job as a last act of self sacrificial love for him. He said he didn't think that would be a problem because she wasn't totally thrilled with her job now anyway. (Personally, I think H and OW may have previously discussed her leaving the firm for their own purposes of keeping up their appearances.)<P>We discussed some plans for the future -- vacations, dedicated date nights, our decisionmaking process etc. Later he told me he had "brought his toothbrush" and of course I invited him to stay. We spent Sunday at church (he spoke with several of the people that knew something of our problems), and then with my family. So in a short time, he has "faced some of the demons" of coming back.<P>Part of me still doesn't believe this is real because he has waffled before. But this time it really does seem real and I would like to think he wouldn't screw up the kids more by coming home and not meaning it.<P>Having said all that, it is Monday morning and he is back at work (OW still works there.) It is hard to feel a sense of closure to anything with that situation still intact. I don't know if I should push for the immediate no contact, wait until Christmas is over or just what I should be doing now. It is so easy to fall back into the rhythm of being great friends and parents together when we really need to be focusing on being great lovers.<P>I am going to reread SAA again and then try to get some MB counseling set up right away. My being a controller was a big issue for us so I am leary about jumping in and taking charge of this process. Besides, I don't want to fall into the same old pattern of only me working on our marriage and him sitting on the sidelines.<P>Any suggestins on what I(we) should be doing during this busy holiday, but marriage critical time?

exhausted - WOW. Yes I have a suggestion - have fun with your family!<P>Dave (WAT)

Good luck. Prayers being said. Enjoy your Christmas.

Exhausted,<P> That's great news! I'm pretty much in the same boat as you. My Ws isn't moved back yet but we spent last Thursday through last night together. I strongly recommend you both get counseling from the Farleys. I've had two sessions myself and my Ws has had one. I don't know exactly what Steve said to her but it was amazing at the changes she has gone through. I honestly expected her to reject most of what he said. She is also read SAA and it also has been a big help. We have a session scheduled together late next week. I too feel as if I'm afraid to trust again. My WS still works in the same building as the OM. Steve is working on this issue with her since right now it's best if I not push it. I think the best thing to do is as Steve mentioned to me. Just make your home a safe place for him. There's a lot of time needed to build the relationship back. Don't rush it and enjoy.... Wishing you the best.. Crick

I don't know your whole story but, has your<BR>husband ever written a "no contact letter"? I definately think one is in order and immediately. I never got one and I still whine about it! I still fear she thinks that she REALLY has his heart...(of course I know better) <P>Good luck!

Thanks for the suggestions! We have decided as an initial step to brainstorm individually on what our needs are right now (both specific ENs and needs for making the big moves - how the A ends, possibly moving to another city etc.) and then verbally share our lists. <P>I was the one that suggested the lists because I have submerged my needs for so long that it will take me a while to actually identify them. It will still be a stretch for me because of the residual fear that if he sees a need that he doesn't want to meet, he'll change his mind. I know I have to get over that, but it will take a lot of conscious effort. Still, all-in-all a relatively happy exercise! Thanks again.

Dear Exhausted,<P>I am very happy that your H has seen the light and the fog has somewhat cleared.<P>I would think that going to counselling to sort out the issues first are needed before he moves totally back in again. I would think that after some sessions of counselling, you bot would be able to have a clear idea to build and restore your marriage back to health and affair-proof the marriage on both sides.<P>Getting more involved in church activities and having your H accountable to an elder or pastor would be a good start. I hope he will be agreeable to this.<P>Getting the books by Stormie Omartian on - the power of a praying wife, and the power of a praying parent - would help you to commit your family in God's care.<P>Meanwhile, have a wonderful family Christmas.<P>God bless you<BR>from weep<P>

I don't have much to add as far as suggestions, because you've got those already, but I just wanted to tell you that I'm really happy for you that things are getting better. I know how tough it has been for you being away from your kids when he had them, and it makes me feel wonderful that your H has decided to come home.<P>You've done an amazing job, so keep it up and keep us posted, of course.

This trulu gives me inspiration. I don't know the whole story behind your seperation and the OW. I just know that It feels good to hear a success story right now.I am very new to this and need all the encouragement.<P>Good luck and hang on tight this time.. We all live and learn this has to be very rewarding for you...<P>Diana