I guess, like a lot of husbands dealing with plan A, that I worry about showing "honest emotions" because they could be construed by the WS as being Love Busters. But I truly believe each case is a little bit different. I think my wife needs a firm response about my feelings from time to time. I originally thought that plan A called for us to be pretty much a pushover, giving in to everything the WS wanted to do. They called the shots, no matter what the consequences.<P>Which brings up a question to me about demands. I know that we are supposed to avoid unselfish demands at all costs. But are there some cases where a demand is justified? Especially when they are designed to show the WS how we honestly feel?<P>From my own personal standpoint, such a case has occurred with a habit my wife and this other person have fallen into. Every night, at 9:30 sharp, this other person calls and my wife snaps up the phone on the first half ring and heads into her bedroom. They talk from anywhere from ten minutes to an hour. I informed my regular thereapist about this and how angry and upset it made me feel, knowing that the two of them were being so intimate over the phone in my own house. This thereapist told me that I should communicate to my wife, as calmly as possible, how I feel. She said if I was too mad to just go out for a walk or a ride or something. That same night, sure as Hell, the phone rang and my wife headed into her room. I pulled my jacket on, knocked gently on her door, opened it and very calmly informed her that I was going out for a ride and didn't know when I'd be back. After I was gone for about five minutes, my cell phone rang. I could tell by the caller ID it was my wife. I didn't answer it. In the next 30 minutes, she called five times. I still didn't answer. When I returned about an hour later, she questioned me as to what was wrong, and I told her (again in a calm manner) that it bothered me that she and this other person were doing this. I asked her how she felt if she was in my shoes. Her response to me was "Oh...now I can't even talk to (OP) over the phone?" I replied that I didn't say that, I just wanted her to know how it made me feel.<P>Now I am wondering how that might work when I know she is going out to meet with this other person at night. Should I be able to say anything to her just before she leaves to let her know how I feel?

AH - let's get one thing straight. SHE'S the one being selfish and I'm amazed that she is flaunting her affair so openly to you.<P>Have you considered talking to the Harleys? Since you're spending money on a therapist anyway, give it a shot. You might get lots better advice than "communicate to my wife, as calmly as possible, how I feel." Give me a break!<P>I can't remember if you have kids. If you don't, maybe you need to play a little hardball. Next time she says, "Oh...now I can't even talk to (OP) over the phone?", say not unless you do it on your own phone and show her to the door. Sorry, I'm venting for you a little bit. Actually, get advice from the Harleys. You should not be putting up with this crap.<P>Pardon the comic relief, but I watched Monty Python and the Search for the Holy Grail the other night: "Burn her!! She's a witch!!" <P>WAT <p>[This message has been edited by worthatry (edited December 18, 2000).]

AH, I'd have to say that what you're asking is not really a selfish demand. When I found out that my W was talking to the OM on her phone, I told her that, while still living together under one roof, she could not speak to OM...period. It is incredibly disrespectful of your W to carry on her A in your house, while you are present! What does she think she's doing?!<P>In my situation, I calmly told my W "I understand that you want to divorce, and that you are intent on having a relationship with OM. However, until such time as you move out, I would ask that you not speak to OM while you are in our house. It is disrespectful to me and to our marriage vows, which are still very much in effect. I realize that I cannot stop you from having a relationship with OM, but I will not allow you to carry on such a relationship in the home we have built together."<P>But it sounds like she's so deep in the fog that rational thought probably eludes her most of the time.

I had my first session with Steve Harley last week. Round #2 will be tomorrow. We are supposed to formulate a plan of action for the future. Somehow, I don't think he is going to want me to play as much hardball as you think. In our first talk, he stated that my situation looked fixable (even though my wife's OP is a woman), but that I would have to follow a long and narrow path to get there.<P>I know what you mean about not putting up with the affair. I am somewhat confused that Dr. Harley states in chapter 13 of "His Needs, Her Needs", that the betrayed spouse shouldn't have to put up with it another minute and then recommends Plan A which seems to let the WS walk all over you. Anybody else catch this? I plan on asking Steve about it tomorrow.