I guess I should be happy, at least more optimistic having my H more and more at home in last 3 weeks. But, instead, I'm going down again and feel pretty depressed. I just want to run away, it hurt alot spending all the day with him, in pretty relaxed atmosphere, and then watching him leaving. <P>I know he has ups and downs, so I shouldn't be surprised when he said yesterday before leaving he is all confused and not feeling well. I try to understand, and just be here, supportive and kind as I best can. <P>I feel like walking on eggshells, constanly weighting am I too pushy if I show just a small sign of affection - like yesterday's SMS saying just "Good night. Sweet dreams, tomorrow is a brand new day (I added an icon for a cup of tea - for good sleep). Seeing him sad and somehow distant yesterday I thought it may help a bit. He didn't answer, not yesterday evening, not today (it's now midnight here). <P>That was just about enough to trigger my bad mood again. I know I can't expect miracles, even if it ends a happyend, takes time and patience. But I'm tired, awfully tired. All this mess lasts for 9 months now, and D day was mid May. <P>Why is it I'm going down now, when I should have more strenght, when I actually had chance to fill at least a bit of my EN? Am I just exhausted or it's a kind of wawe in our roller coaster journey? <P>Adrian

I almost let this one go by. But then, I thought to myself, no you are here, too, right now.<P>I have been steadily drooping throughout the holiday season. It is seeing people happy and full of the Xmas spirit and I know that this is the first year in 18 years that my h does not love me--my first xmas with this hateful knowledge of betrayal and the fact that so far, 5 months later after dday, he still loves only her.<P>He spreads a small amount of hope by meeting all the boundries I set, and doing everything the therapist recommends(except not drinking.) It appears we make progress, but it is an optical illusion. He is not trying to find our lost love, he is trying to find his lost self. He may never come back to me, or give us the true opportunity to renew our life in a better way. His vision is very much in a tunnel vision. Straight to the ecstasy of his OW and the "love" and confidence she inspires. He is too affraid to face his fears, or his mistakes, and not having a past with the OW, makes it easy to hide there. But reality will kick in. She will see it in him, for the unresolved personal conflicts within are now out, and they cannot go back under the rug. I wonder if she can REALLY love him the way he is now. I find it harder every day.<P>I just consider him sick at the moment. "Sickness and health." I'm here for that, even if he has failed upholding our vows. I still take them seriously. Now more than ever, because they are finally being tested. What a test! I believe in the power of faith, too, finally. That faith will heal me either way it ends up. <P>Cheer up, and think of you OWN spirit of xmas, and don't let your H rob you of it. You are a worthy person, but be patient and expect setbacks and then they will not be so hard to bear. I am still getting used to them, myself. It is not easy.

Just since this morning i have had a reaL downer. Have found the day at work really hard to get through. Tonight I have an e-mail from H - rambles on about nothing - except to tell me he was going out for lunch and dinner - and then he canot remember why he was writing to me. The plan B "rules" should be pretty clear to him I would have thought. What does he expect me to do ?<P>Anyway i think Christmas is just going to make it all so very much harder for us all - at the back of my mind is a constant litle reminder message telling me "yes, this will be a difficult time, but I am strong"; I dont want another Christmas where he slips up stairs in the middle of Christmas dinner to phone OW - as he did last year. Part of me also wants to "make it all better" for Christmas - but I know that is not in my power; only h can decide if and when he wants to return. So, I feel this will be a testing time for me; and I am tired and saddened of the futility of it all - but we will be Ok gal! Christmas will pass.<P>Sorry to ramble - I just wanted you to know there is someone else out there who feels with you.<P>Hugs<P>R.