I think the last few shreds that were holding my heart together have been destroyed tonight. We were having a discussion/argument about us and H told me that I am a piece of garbage. I have never felt so worthless in my life. I guess that I have totally failed at everything.<P>If I didn't have my three beautiful children, life would not be worth living.....

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hurtinginil:<BR><B>If I didn't have my three beautiful children, life would not be worth living.....</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Sometimes life can be real tough, believe me I have been there also. I am the WS in my marriage, but also felt a lot of hurt throughout our marriage. I had been called many things by my W during the years, and I sure do know how much it hurts.<P>As hard as it may be, try to focus in on some positive aspects of your life. I do know that this is much easier said than done but it is possible. As you said you have 3 beautiful children and they are worth focusing on even when you are so far down that you dont think you are going to be able to get up again. Hang in there. What he said could very well have been in a moment of extreme anger, and you need to try to see through that if you can. Chin up, things will get better <P>Lizard<P>

Oh, Hurtin--<P>The thing that is really important, is for you to hook up with a frind, somwone who knows what you are going through and have a good ole fashion cry. Then try to think of this: He just singlehandedly described--HIMSELF!<P>That is right. I am finding that the WS often tacks onto us BS's the descriptive words that really belong to them. And they know it. I makes it no easier to hear, God knows we are battling our self esteem every day as it is, and barely breaking even!! The WS's get so guilty and frustrated with themselves, that they have a need to blame some one ELSE. It is never the OP, it is always the one they betrayed because they have already been shame-faced already--what is a little more? But when they are faced with the truth, probably like your fight tonite, their self protection kicks in. They instantly lash out, like a child, and do it in the worst way.<P>I am sorry you had to hear such unbearable words tonite. Please, find someone and have that cry and a hug. You need a real person for empathy tonite. I'll pray for you.<BR>B

hurting--<P>I came across the following on the internet while searching for more communication help/tools. It may validate some of your feelings, and also give YOU some tools for talking with your H. Good luck! <P>--Laura<P>-----------------------------------------<BR>Ways to develop and maintain good marital communications: <P>Honesty is a must. If you really are to know one another, you must open up and reveal yourself to your spouse, sharing your feelings, hopes, fears, and desires. <P>Admit your part. When there are problems, each must be willing to admit that he or she is part of the problem. <P>Be willing to change. <P>In your anger do not sin. The sources of irritation between couples must be dealt with immediately, conclusively, and peacefully. Anger should be dealt with positively. <P>Don't lash out. The old saying, sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me, is emphatically untrue. Hateful, violent, vindictive, careless, bitter, cutting words hurled at others leaves<BR>them battered, beaten, weary, and hopeless. <P>Don't say never. Avoid the use of emotionally charged words.--You don't really love me. You always do... You never do anything right. I don't care. <P>Take responsibility. You are accountable for your own emotions, words, actions, and reactions. Don't blame them on the other person. You got angry, lashed out, become depressed, etc. <P>Practice self-control. Resist the urge and tactic of retreating into silence or having a good pout. Also quit the manipulating crocodile tears. <P>Don't rehash the past. Don't go there unless it will help you solve your present problems. Deal with the issue at hand. At some other time clean up past differences. <BR>Solve one problem at a time, and then move on to the next. <P>Focus on the positive instead of majoring on the negative. <P>Be honest and accurate. Express your thoughts and concerns to each other. <P>Really listen. Let the other person speak without interruption, giving him or her your undivided attention, and making sure you understand what the other person is saying or meaning. When one flies off the handle at<BR>you, the message may be, I've had a terrible day. Nobody respects me. <P>Show charity. Remember this is the person you love most and have committed to spend the rest of your life with. Have a charitable, forgiving and accepting spirit.<P>

Hi Hurtinginil,<P>I'm so sorry, Honey. He's so out there. You know he didn't mean it. He's just being a total 100% uncaring Schmuck.<P>Please don't take this to heart, you know you're not anything like what he said. We all love you here and we know how wonderful you are ... sometimes people say things in anger and what's sad is they can never take them back ... because they more than likely didn't really mean it ... but the damage has been done.<P>You just ignore his harsh and abrasive words from here on ... they're meaningless and come from him being angry at himself. <P>We love you Hurtinginil ... please know you have so much worth and value ... don't let his words make you feel any less a wonderful person than you are.<P>Love and respect to you,<BR>Jo<BR>

Dear {{{{{{{Hurtinginil}}}}}}<P>I am sorry to hear that. BurnedSpouse is spot on about what a WS would do.<P>My WS called me vulgar names when he was having an A and that is a sore point that I would never forget because he never called me such before. I think it is really himself that he is calling those names because they must have been lurking in his subconscious only to spring at an unsuspecting wife who would not retaliate. Shame on them! But I was shocked and quickly shot the same words back at him. He was shocked as well. <P>I learnt to react faster now after having lived through a horrible and abusive first marriage to an abused orphan who was WS as well.<P>If he next says such awful things to you, please ask him calmly what he mean by those words. <P>God must really love you to bless you with three beautiful children. We love you, too.<P>God bless you and your family<BR>with love<BR>weep

Thank you all for the kind replies. I am feeling better about things, but still am hurt that he could call me such a thing. <P>Lizard--I am trying to focus on the positives of my life, and the kids are definately #1 there. It's hard to think of the good, when there seems to be so much bad....<P>burnedspouse---thanks so much for the words of encouragement. They mean the world to me right now!! <P>Laura---thank you so much for the article that you wrote. The info is so valuable right now. It will help me to focus on what I need to do right now!<P>Jo---how can I say thanks enough to you. In the midst of your own trials, you are such a support to everyone else! Your support means so much! Yes, he is a schmuck, but I still love him!! I really need to remember that yes, I am still a good person, regardless of what he says!<P>weep---thanks to you, too, hon! We are all in this together and can help each other out! It just hurts so much when they have no respect or regard for you that they can even say those words!<P>Things are looking up, so I'm concentrating on that for now.....<P>Best wishes and love to all!!