I won't go through my whole story, but H had EA with co worker for 2 yrs. Recently H and OW quit and H got new position at local company. OW supposedly has moved from this area. <P>I have only been to H office a few times. I noticed the office manager (DIL of owner)liked to touch people, not just H. Maybe rub their arm give hugs...<P>H was carrying box and she offered to help hold it and he said- no, but you can hold my hernia. <P>At Christmas party last week end there was lots of hugs, full body hugs, and she and her H told my H about her thigh high boots that they call F*** me boots. H asked if she wore them with hot pants, her H said no, no pants at all. <P>When leaving party...another big hug..and she said to H " didn't think you could slip out of here without my hug?" and H said well, you have been fondling me all evening...<P>Ok, I haven't been able to stop thinking about what is happening here. H is used to a very different work atmosphere, but he seems to be adapting to this loose demeanor in a surprisingly short time. Help.L

Hi!<P>I guess people are busy shopping for christmas.. not many people around here..<P>I don't know your story but how did you find out about H's 2yr EA? Did he tell you this?<BR>How does your H feel about this?<P>About the hug thing with the office manager, maybe you can tell him that you feel uncomfortable(in a matter of fact way).. just let him know your feeling.<BR>And I guess Plan Aing(well, it's easy to say.. I was sooo bad at this and I'm at the end of my marriage!).<BR>If you two try hard to rebuild your marriage I believe you can. But both have to work on it.<P>Good luck to you!<BR>Meg

Thanks Meg, I found out about the EA when I returned a call from H and the receptionist said that "they" were making a delivery and then having lunch. He didn't return my call for a couple hours, says she didn't give him any message.<BR>At first h said it was only *that* lunch to talk over some goals put before the two of them by Corporate headquarters, but after talking more H said they had been lunching for 1.5 yrs (now h agrees it was over 2 yrs.)<BR>He still maintains that lunches were business only. There were some incidences: H taking flowers to her apartment. OW calling our house when she lost her diamond bracelet. (months later when I realized that she may have been in H's van and asked,he said she was and wanted H to look for the bracelet there.)H knew I wondered about that call for months.<BR>H was distant with no intimacy for almost 2 yrs. H and OW had a out of town busniness meeting and decided to go late in the day, not arriving until late at night. <BR>H and OW go to computer programming meeting and don't get back until after midnight. <BR>When ever I see OW she is strangely cool (not so strange now)<BR>More recently, when counselor asked that he not have "one on one" time with her, H planned on a Sat at work with her. When i asked to go along to shop, he came up with several different plans. One was that he was only going to get the mail and leave the shop (but had said he was going to work for a couple hour earlier) Told me he forgot his keys when we got in the area of the plant. I asked him to drive by the office, and he did and her car was the only one there. H says he didn't know *when* she was coming in, but did know she would be there at some time. H says that was the only Sat she has come to work. <BR>Counselor has helped H a lot, but I would still like some honest answers. Many times on the MB forum I read that this comes months later. <BR>My father died Sept 1 (got the call to hurry to hospital when we were on our way to the counselor, H said drop him back at the office) I went alone and father had died moments before I got there. <BR>OW made a time with financial planner for after hours at her office and H stayed also, so she wouldn't be there alone. <BR>There are so many instances and I am so tired of trying to figure it all out, especially with different answers and lots of "I don't know" replies. <BR>I guess I would say we are in recovery, but I am in limbo. This morning H said, "just in case I get hit by a car, I love you" I told him "same here." <BR>H knows I am uncomfortable and says he said the comments he has made at the new job were just efforts to "fit in", that he is not comfortable with the atmosphere there. (I have to think of what he said about the 2 yrs of lunches, he felt uncomfortable and guilty....but did he stop,*no*.<BR>H says it is up to me to trust him again, but he offers little reassurance, and keeps to himself, little things that were private between OW and h. H has a county map that he carries in his van. While we were on a week end get away recently, he was looking through it for a route across the state. He flipped to the page that had OW's cottage area and quickly shut the book. When he was in the shower I looked at it and sure enough, where her and her H's cottage is, there was a little pencil dot and a red ink mark (like a tiny arrow). When I asked about the mark he at first acted surprised that it would be in there, then said he asked her where her place was and that H put the mark on the map. I said it was so tiny, no one else would ever have seen it, just the two of them, and he said "probably". I asked him to get a new Atlas, and he said the one he had was good. <BR>It still seems to be such a mess at times. Probably more than you want to know, Meg, but I thank you for your reply. I have found very few replies when I post here, but reading the posts and replies of the "locals" has been helpful. <BR>H wanted to know what he can get me for Christmas, I told him Honesty; pure, open honesty. I told him I would trade him Trust for Honesty.<BR> L<BR>

Dear LAD,<P>Hi, sorry to hear that things are getting confusing again. I think that your H was trying to 'fit in with the crowd'. But if he finds their behaviour a little too raunchy, he can be himself and handle it tactfully.<P>You mentioned counselling and I think that would be good. Reading your post, I would think there are some issues that the marital counsellor can help with:<P>trust<BR>communications<BR>honesty<BR>public behaviour vs code of ethics/principles<BR>no contact letter to OP<BR>sexual intimacy & frequency<BR>acceptable boundaries of behaviour<BR>marital responsibilities<BR>needs<BR>role of H<BR>role of W<BR>secrets - are they healthy for a marriage?<BR>etc..<P>What about doing some activities for yourself so that you can focus on other happy stuff? <P>LAD,<BR>I would recommend that you pray for a godly man to come by your H to help him become accountable for his actions as well as to stay strong to his honour and his principles if he feels that they may be compromised. Unforunately, worldly stuff and behaviour got my WS down as well - to fit in means to drink till you drop dead or to go to bars are not things that one should do just to 'fit in'. HE can learn to steer a conversation away from rauchy to fine - it takes some skills but people do respect that after a while.<P>God bless you<BR>take care<BR>from weep

Thanks Weep<BR>H never has been a drinker, but this slack in his ethics is a worry. He talks to me all the time now and is very affectionate. I know he is trying to patiently help me along, but I think I need him to admit to an EA and promise not to do it again. He says he will talk to me if he ever gets the feelings he had, and that will keep us safe.<P>He only says he had a friendship and it was a *perk* of the job to be able to go to lunch. He can't tell me why he would break into a sweat when he touched me then, and finally he quit altogether, but says he didn't need sex then, just buried himself in work. Now he is fine.<BR> <BR>I am in a funk now, could be the holidays and last year at this time my stepmother had died and we found my father to be very bad with Alzheimers. Now, he has passed on, so that is another thing to deal with. <P>On the up side, we have our first grandson (great grandson is Two!) and we are enjoying him a lot. Some of the kids are here now and more tomorrow. <P>Thanks for the list, I have copied it and will take it with us on the 10th. I told the counselor I didn't want to come anymore, that if we made it or not, he wouldn't have any input about the results. He said no that wasn't so and he isn't done with us, though we have come a long way. <P>H company is so small, family owned and THEY are the touchy ones. I will leave it up to him, I know he isn't comfortable with it and enjoys going on the road much more than staying in his office. <P>Thanks again for the insight, have a good holiday, L