My wife and I have been down this road, and now it has come full circle. Three years ago, my wife accused me of being attracted and obsessed with someone else that I worked with. I did admit that I found the person attractive, but I was certainly not obsessed. My wife wanted a divorce, but we stayed together for our kids. I love my wife very much and wanted to work things out. We went through over a year of hell, I changed jobs, we moved 2000 miles away. Initially we fought constantly over what had and hadnt happened. She accused me of fantiasizing about every attractive woman we came in contact with and we ended up seperating for a few days. She basically decided that she was going to stick it out for the kids and we became very tired of fighting until it just stopped. We went oabout our daily business and I thought we had an opportunity to rebuild. I had become very nervous and defensive anytime I was in the presence of my wife and any other female who she might see as a threat. On the other hand, this was an awakening about what my wife considered acceptable or unacceptable behavior on my part. She feels that if I love her then I should not look at or notice any other women. Since it is her perceptions that matter to me, I have constantly tried to live by this. Three years has gone by since the original incident and my wife still does not trust me and does not love me. I have killed any of my love busters, and I work constantly in an effort to help her be happy and rebuild our love bank. It hasnt worked, my wife still will not say the words "I love you", and now it is all back in my face again. Last night, when my wife and I were out, a lady who I work with at the office came up to me and just said hi. My defensive mechanism kicked in, knowing how my wife reacts to other women around me, and I just brushed it off. My wife grew silent and I knew what she was thinking. This morning, she confronted me and accused me of going back to my old ways and that the women we met was "the one", the current woman I was attracted to. I told her that wasnt true, but she didnt believe me. She told me to have fun at the office, because I wasnt going to be having fun at home anymore, and left. I cant go through again what I did three years ago, and I wont put my children through that. I dont know how to stop it. HELP!

Mattg -<P>I normally post here as a WS, but I guess, today, I just wanted to post a response as a woman. Even though my H never had an affair, never even comtemplated it as far as I know, I have more than once accused him of "having a girlfriend." When he's not home within normal "timeframes" I get a little worried - knowing what I have put us through this past year, I know he would tell me if he had any plans to have an affair.<P>I guess my whole point to this is that your wife has some self-esteem issues. I think mine are inherent to my personality, but your wife may have developed these and they continue to thrive because of your past actions. As a WS, I know that I am responsible for making sure that I am completely honest with my H and it sounds like you are doing the same thing - she just doesn't believe you. I think what may help is little reassurances - things like telling her that you love her, that she's the woman of your dreams, you're not interested in any one else - those are the obvious ones, but she may have had her self-esteem bashed so bad that you just need to reassure her in other things, build up her confidence, give her compliments, show affection, whatever you can do, keep doing it.<P>It that doesn't work, it may be that your wife hasn't forgiven you completely. You may want to see if counseling would help.<P>You know that you are doing nothing wrong, but her feelings are real. . .Having another affair - to me isn't worth it either, but somehow, she feels really insecure right now. Maybe someone else will be along with better advice, but while her comments are aimed at hurting you, I think she's the one that's really hurting.

Thanks SKM for the comments. <P>I do tell her how I feel constantly, and how much I love her and appreciate her. I have always done that, and it seems like it bothers her when I tell her. She says "Whatever" or "Are you trying to convice me or yourself?"<P>My wife told me that she never would or could forgive me. I do firmly believe that she will never admit that she cares about me that way again. I have come to accept that, and I take what I can get from her so far as my needs and desires are concerned. There is a big difference between someone who doesnt say what you wish they would and someone who is outright attacking you. It is the attacking that I cant deal with, and I dont know how to get through to her.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by mattg (edited December 20, 2000).]

My wife has had a lot of problems with men and trust in the past. She definately has issues there. <P>She wont go to counselling as she thinks it is a bunch of mumbo jumbo. She doesnt beleive in it at all. I have done some counselling and it has helped me deal with problems in our relationship in the past.<P>Yesterday morning, she confronted me with these accusations. Last night, I told her that I was very troubled by what she said and that there wasnt anything going on. I would not make the same mistake twice and the reason I acted different in the presence of the lady from work was because I know how sensitive she is to that. I saw the look in her eyes and reacted. I told her that she could trust me and that I love her. SHe responded that I was a pig and that she would never trust me again. After that I stayed silentt, I had made my point and refused to take the bait to argue about it.<P>This morning, she took me to work, and didnt really say a word. I am acting normally and she is silent. I have learned over the last three years that I cannot CONTROL what she thinks or feels. I can try to AFFECT it, but ultimately it is up to her. I try to stay focused on that.<P>Any other advice would be appreciated.<P>

I just received an email from my wife advising me that she is looking for another place to live and she wants me to do the same so that I am moving out after Xmas. She said there will be no discussion of this at the house to ensure the kids have a good Xmas. She also said that if I give her a hard time about this, she will take the kids and move back to Canada. (We have been living in the US for 3 years).<P>I have not responded to her yet.<P>Advice appreciated.

mattg,<BR>I am sorry you are so frustrated in your marriage, and it sounds like your wife just doesn't know of any other solutions - and this is the only solution she can find that she can live with.<P>It sounds like you haven't found any other solutions, than to just end it as well, but you are hoping there are other options that are more appealing?<P>Have you told your wife the entire truth? If you have, and that is not enough for her - then I would say there are some serious love bank issues.<P>Are there other instances (besides infidelity and sexual attraction) - where she feels you are not fully honest? Have you taken the emotional needs inventory? Has she? Which needs does she have that are not being met by you?<P>I DO believe there are other options than separation, but first there has to be a truce called between you two so that you can explore them. Start with complete honesty.<P>TNT

Mattg -<P>I am sending this to the top. I don't really have any sound advice. It sounds to me like your wife hasn't forgiven you and will - maybe - be never able to forgive you. She's really, really hurt, but worse than that, she sounds very angry. I think she needs to learn to forgive - forgiveness is a gift that you give yourself - as so many of the people on this site will tell you.<P>If she doesn't forgive, she will just become this really bitter person, she'll never be happy always holding this grudge against you. I think for your kids sake, you just need to do like a Plan A - just continue to be the best person that you can be for now. I don't really see how you cannot comply with her wishes, but I think I would tell her that YOU are not moving out - because you do not want to leave the marriage. If she wants to leave - then she'll have to be the one to move out. No matter what you have done, you are trying to makes amends - she is the one who wants to leave - you cannot keep her there by force.<P>I think I would tell her that you plan to stay in your home. She threatens taking the kids back to Canada - so I would think you should probably talk to a lawyer on this one - so you can protect yourself and your rights. I think I would take these statements very seriously. . .she's not very happy right now.<P>You know, one thought, and I may be WAY off base here, but your wife kind of sounds like how I would act - or did act. I mean I was never really that angry, but I was accuse my H of looking at other women all the time. I mean, one night I stayed up waiting for him and basically jumped down his throat about having an affair. Again, I may be way off base, but could she be having an affair?<P>Now when I accuse my H of looking at someone longer than he should - I get jealous, but I think about how I had an affair - how it can happen to anyone. I didn't trust myself and I didn't trust him. I would accuse him, because I wanted to accuse myself - in a way.<P>I don't know, no good advice here, except that I think you should sty put - let her leave if she wants, but talk to a lawyer about custody issues - could she really take them to Canada. . .Good luck to you. And again, take what I have to say with a grain of salt. . .It's just my WS thinking. . .

Thanks for the comments.<P>With regards to having any discussion with my wife regarding her needs, that has not been possible. I have been working at all of the ways to rebuild my love bank balance, and it has been very slow, if at all, in accumulating. She does nto want me to fulfill her needs. She will not tell me what they are. I have tried to fulfill what I think they are, but I am obviously off base, or not doing a good job.<P>I knwo there are other options, but I dont know how to help her believe that there are. She doesnt trust me and does not listen to what I have to say. She has not forgiven me and I am certain she never will. She believes that a woman forgiving a man is just giving him the opportunity and leeway to hurt her again. She will not let me get in a position to hurt her again.<P>With regards to legal options, I dont know what my rights are. Technically, if we are not married, she cannot stay in the US due to VISA restrictions. She cannot work here, so that means I support both households. This opens up a whole can of worms.<P>

Hang in there Mattg, I know what you are going thru. Please stay strong and reassure your wife whenever possible.<P>Love,<BR>Jo

Thanks Jo. That is what I am doing. It isnt easy because she is set on me moving out after Xmas. <P>I am trying to hold me tongue and not make any disrespectful judgements. <P>She asked me if I got her email yesterday, and I told her yes and that she knows I dont agree, but I cannot force her to stay, so I will support her decision.<P>Matt

Mattg:<P>I am not sure from your post, but are you telling us that you did not have an affair with the woman you were attracted to 3 years ago?! If you did not have an affair, I then think that your wife is totally overreacting to the situation. It would be in her best interest to read some of the horror stories on this website inorder to realize just how lucky she is.<P>Good luck to you!

I have never cheated on my wife, either emotionally or physically. In her opinion, desiring and fantasizing about other women is just as bad as doing it. She said that she wished I had done it and gotten it out of my system. <P>When she first confronted me with these accusations I went into such a period of shock and disbelief that my "dream family" was in danger of splitting up, that I didnt have a clear head when discussing it with her. <P>I felt very much to blame for her going through the anguish over it that she did and I began to think in my own head that the attraction I had towards other women was more than it really was. I went into a depressed state. <P>It really took close to two years before I really can look back and say that I had no real feelings towards those women and I was a good husband. My wife will never believe that.

Man, there has got to be more to this story then what has been told thus far. Hasn't your wife ever fantasized about being with someone else? We all do from time to time. It is human nature. I just cannot believe that she is going to leave you based solely on the fact that you have had lustful thoughts about other women. My wife would have left me a long time ago, if she felt that way.<P>Please let us know if there is more to this, i.e. her having an affair as suggested by SKM.

There is nothing more to it that I know of. I dont think she could be having an affair as we spend all of our time together as a family outside of the time I am at work. Even when I am at work I am constantly in touch with her via instant messenger and email. The kids keep her hopping during the day.<P>I dont know, and what Steve Harley told me was that no matter how unrealistic her expectations seem, I have to consider them valid, because they are her expectations.<P>I appreciate all the support everyone. Keep it coming.