Even before the relationship with the OM is cold and gone, and even before she makes a decision to try to rebuild our family, I want everyone to know I forgive my wife for seeking whatever she needed elsewhere and for the hurt she caused me. Sure, she could have avoided it, but the emptiness of our marriage was not entirely her fault and the loss of our son was completely beyond our control. <P>The infidelity hurt me worse than the death of my son. I understood why he died. We did everything we could to save him and I have no guilt that we didn't do everything possible. I had time to prepare and time to cherish him knowing he would soon be gone. This doesn't mean I don't miss him horribly. I just grieved before he left.<P>On the contrary, the betrayal was swift and complete. I didn't know what hit me. But this was not my wife. This was a woman coping with a loss no mother should endure and who was unable, for whatever reason, to sufficiently grieve and to seek comfort from me. She had to escape somewhere.<P>As hard as I hurt, and still do, I forgive her and I hope somehow she can believe this. I hope she can find it in her heart someday to forgive me for whatever about me turned her elsewhere. What I won't be able to forgive her for is if she walks away without even trying.<P>Thanks for letting me use this forum to say this.<P>WAT

WAT,<P>You have had to endure more hurt than most people ever will know. It takes a really big person to say what you have said. I hope your wife sees that one day.<P>-HD

well said....

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WAT -<P>I know from your previous posts and through what you've been willing to endure that you love your wife. And while you haven't said it in so many words, I know you forgive her - even if she never asks for it. You're a very special person - to offer forgiveness when not even asked for it. I recently read this book by Max Lucado called "Just Like Jesus." It's really a good book. In it he says something like<P>relationships do not thrive because the guilty are punished but because the innocent are merciful<P>He goes on to say that often it is the strong one who must build the bridge - even though you have done nothing wrong, you were not the one who lied or cheated, etc. . it is up to you to build that bridge, to be merciful.<P>I think there are no doubts about your capacity to forgive, to be patient, or to love. But it is nice, from my perspective, to see it written out so that other WSs can know that their spouse may be in the same place that you are. Thanks.

SKM - I hadn't considered your perspective. I appreciate your kind words. I hope there's a wavering WS out there that reads this and takes the step to seek forgiveness. <BR>I think there are many betrayed spouses in the same place as me. If they didn't have the capacity to forgive, I don't think they'd be trying to build that bridge. <P>I forgive my wife, but I don't know how to tell her, nor can it be easy for other betrayed spouses, if she can't or won't acknowledge that she's done something wrong.<P>Dave (WAT)

Dave, <P>I think you can just tell her that you forgive her, that you understand and that you love her. You said it very well here. I think she would understand you. You may not get a response but it will be heard.<P>cleo

Over the last few months i have told my wife I was afraid she wouldn't be able to forgive me for neglecting our marriage and not being there for her. I have not addressed anything specific that may or may not have been done by her. Christmas Day she said she was so lonely and was so sorry for hurting me. I told her it was fine, I had come to realise she felt there was no where else to go, I wasn't there for her. So she had to save herself. She didn't intentionally try to hurt me. I said that I won't make those same mistakes again. This was what it took to wake me up to what I had and what I was pushing away. I also told her if we both try we can make it work, and in a way then her leaving becomes the thing that set us back on track.

Dave<P>A very moving post. It is very difficult to reach this stage, I know I have with my W but it took a very long time. <P>I believe that you can show your forgiveness with your actions more than the words themselves. To treat her in a kind, loving and respectfull way after what has happened shows that you are full of forgiveness.<P>She will know that she has done wrong, so telling her she is forgiven serves only to remind her of that fact. Not really what she wants to hear!<P><BR>

Cleo, Dan, inlimbo - Thanks for your replies. After Cleo's message the other day, I almost wrote her a letter, but then stopped. <P>She may know she's done wrong deep inside, but since she is still outwardly in denial - and maybe trying to convince herself, I decided not to throw fuel on the fire just yet. On the other hand, she may interpret my warm and considerate treatment of her as reinforcement that she hasn't done any thing wrong, so maybe I'm enabling her continued denial. Seems like a catch 22, but also seems built-in to Plan A.<P>Any thoughts? Thanks.<P>Dave (WAT)

Dave,<P>You should be a psychiatrist. You are so analytical. I never looked at it that way. You know her best. I just get glimpses. If you feel that its not time yet, I would go with that. You can always send the letter later. Your instincts seem to have been right on. You do know how to Plan A with the best of them!<P>happy new year!<BR>may things turn around for you....<BR>cleo<P>

Cleo - my hunch that the time wasn't right was correct. See my last reply to Rick's post Overheard Wife and OM talking today. <P>I must be stupid, or those aliens really scrambled her brains worse than I thought. She's still big time into deceptions and lies. I naively thought she was coming out of it. This is not a new experience for me, but everytime it happens, I am flabergasted that someone can lie so easily. I have to conclude that she thinks she's getting away with it and wants to keep me as an option. Otherwise, why continue to cover it up?<P>No, I shouldn't be a psychiatrist, just a happily married Dad.<P>Happy New Year to you, too.<P>Dave<BR>

I wonder why continue to cover it up too. And I can only think the same thing...we're backburner options, just in case. I also periodically think she might be coming out of it, but the answer is always the same.