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Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 38
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Mische Offline OP
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Joined: Nov 2000
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D Day was 10/22/00. H left for Michigan on new work assignment with OW (she also works for the company). Has only been home two times since this date. Calls about 1 to 2 times a week. In November he said that he would not be home for thanksgiving on Christmas (we have a 3 year old son together). I have been trying to do plan A which is difficult over the telephone. Up until a conversation on Dec 2nd, he played him and OW off as compassionate friends. On 12/2 he stated we did have a relationship together. When he finally admitted to it I was too upset to ask any other questions. Yesterday he called to say that he wants to see our son open his x-mas gifts on xmas morning. I told him that I would think about it. During the conversation I asked him if he was still involved with OW. He said "not to the extent that it was". I gave xmas some thought and called him back and said that I didn't think xmas morning was a good idea because the situation would be uncomfortable for all of us since we are separated, but he would have our son xmas eve for as long as he wanted. He was very nice and said that he didn't know if he would be able to do that and thanked me considering his request and hung up.<P>Today he called again and said that he is going to try to be here at some point this weekend to see our son would that be okay. I told him that was fine just to let me know when.<P>Am I doing the right thing? Was I wrong to say no to xmas. I am getting frustrated because it seems that he wants to be with our son, but not with me. How can I ever meet his Emotional needs if we are not together.<P>HELP>

Joined: Mar 2000
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mische:<P>It is very hard to meet his EN when you are not together. But when he calls or comes by to see your son be pleasant, upbeat and fun.<BR>Keep talk casual and light.<P>He hasn't been there in awhile so don't overwhelm him with his affair, because it will push him away. He is coming by and no matter what the reason he will be there. Good time to Plan "A".<P>Are you getting him anything for X-mas? Enjoy the time with him and your son.<P>It seems like there are some needs not being meet by the OW, and that is not a surprise you know your husband better then she does.<P>Best Wishes,<BR>Judy<BR>

Joined: Oct 2000
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Mische,<P>I know.<BR>My H requested to see our daughter (age 3) without my presence.<P>PlanA - don't be the cause of the problems.<P>I gave into it. <BR>He sees her at least once a week without me being there (either I'm gone or they're gone). I'll have her Christmas Eve with my family. He'll have her Christmas Day. She'll be having two separate Santa's -- one at our home and another with his parents, where he's living.<P>Leaving her that first day was *so* hard. Emotional outbursts is one of his LBs. I tried not to cry, but I couldn't stop it. And he knew that it was painful for me --- it was the first time that he seemed to take an interest in my feelings .... how I feel about the relationships we have with our daughter.<P>And yes, it's very frustrating. <BR>I didn't know if I was doing the right things with my H....handling the problems correctly.... We had a Fred Pryor workshop here at work - "How to Handle People with Tact and Skill". It was a big help.<P>The program is based off of the theories of Dr. Rick Kirschner. Look him up at your local library; they should have at least one book by him, and he's written several. It'll give you some tips towards approaching him with issues and how to get into negotiating with him.<P>The thing is, maybe one of his emtional needs is that he needs to be away from you for a while. Another emotional need of his is that he does want to see his son and spend time with him. And your son needs it too. The other thing to remember, emotional needs can and do change. Just because he doesn't want to be around you right now, doesn't mean that he won't want to be around you in the future.<P>So, by filling those needs, you are doing Plan A. <P>And I found something else out. I actually need the time to myself. I need the chance to get away from our daughter - get away from the house; a chance to find my own identity. I ended up calling my H and asking him if he could see our daughter two nights a week - 1 day at our house so that I could go out, and 1 day away from the house so that I could do additional cleaning and work around the house. He didn't want to do that ..... but I think the offer caught him by surprise, and he agreed with my reasoning behind it. So every-other week he's spending an additional day with her.<P>Now, he's not spending the time with me....but at the same time, he is. I see him twice each visit, when we trade off. And we always have to talk a little bit....has she had dinner yet, any problems while I was gone, has she had her medicine, etc. We don't talk a lot, but we *are* talking. And the abbreviated conversations don't really give us a chance to LB. <P>I think it's opened the door..... or rather the door's been shut, so God opened the window.<P>I'm trying to write the letters --- I focus on our daughter and the successfull/good things that go on in our lives.....especially the funny stories (and with a little boy, you must have a lot of funny stories).<P>I'll occasionally send a card. But I'm having to be very careful about what I send. It's not so much that I have to match the card with my sentiments, it's that I have to match the card with his ---- he defines what is an LB. If my sentiments don't match with what he can handle, it's an LB.<P>Were you wrong about Xmas morning? I don't know. I suppose that if he has a problem with it he'll bring it up again. Then you could use Kirschner's suggestions to help guide you in talking about it....while avoiding some of the LB areas.<P>And if your decision bothers you, then you should probably brainstorm on what all the options are and what you're willing to do. Could you handle something like fixing a brunch for the three of you and then opening presents --- and while you clean up afterwards, they get to be alone. What about the day after Christmas? ($ale$!) [I don't know, I'm just tossing out ideas to get you started.] <P>I'm going to tell you what my therapist and mother-in-law keep saying: 'it took a long time to get here....don't expect anything to happen quickly.' <P>This is going to be long and slow. At least he'll talk to you about the A, mine won't.<P>I've gotten the impression that you're seeing a counselor. Is your H? Mine's seeing one for his anger. And then we're seeing a marriage counselor together. I wonder if the telephone counselling would work for you since your H seems to travel a bit....<P>Good Luck Mische --<BR>I hope the house looks wonderful with it's decorations and that your little boy is enjoying the holiday festivities.<P>~Amy<BR>(~ootf)

Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 332
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Joined: Apr 2000
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hi It flustrates me. My H had the affair. Why should they have any rights. He walked out on S and me. H has every other weekend vists but does not use them all the time. the OW is crazy he has had to call the cops on her I will be in conempt on court next time he wants to take S around her He is only 15 months old he does not need to be ion that kind of environment. Oh well im venting.


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