I've been trying to get into the Christmas spirit this week, trying to think of things I'm thankful for. I've come up with a good list, the usual....good job, nice home, good car, family, my dogs, etc....but the following surprised me:<P>Since my H moved out last January (2000), I've realized that I'm thankful that he's gone because....<P>...no one yells at me to "sit down and hold still" during TV shows (even if I have to used the bathroom).<P>...no one is surfing porn sites on the web while I'm in bed sleeping.<P>...no one is downloading hundreds of porn pictures while I'm in bed sleeping.<P>...no one's calling the OW right in front of my face and pretending like I'm not there.<P>...no one is lying to me about where they've been and when they'll be home.<P>...no one is ignoring me as I tell him about my day.<P>...no one is telling me I "think funny" because I have morals and think adultry is wrong.<P>...no one is ignoring my input on projects around the house.<P>...no one is rejecting me because I wasn't "passionate" enough in bed.<P>It's hard to admit that I married a man who would do all these things. Of course, I didn't know any of this when I married him and alot of it until after he moved out. <P>It makes me really sad....sad because he's made those choices...sad because I still love him for being warm, sweet, smart, funny, cute, a friend (all the positive parts of his being)...sad because I made a commitment to him - thru better or worse - and I don't know how to stop that commitment, even after all the sh*t he's dealt me....<P>Just sad about the whole, darn thing.<P>I know I wasn't the perfect wife, but I KNOW this is not how a husband is supposed to behave.<P>But I have do admit....the relief that those things aren't going on in my home is tremendous. And that makes me both happy, yet sad that I've lost him. He really had so many good parts....<P>Dr. Laura would probably say I was out of my mind for wanting him back. He didn't meet all of my needs - esp. my most important one for affection - yet I still love him. <P>Maybe there is more to love than just meeting needs...I love my nieces and nephews and they don't meet any of my needs. Doesn't that type of love - familial love - develop with a spouse...they become your family?<P>Anyway, just wanted to post this here as I'm not sure I could really tell any of my friends all this stuff. I also don't want to disrespect my H to people who he knows and may run across in our little town.<P>Thanks for listening.<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<BR>

Mrs O<P>You have supported me in the past and I would like to do the same for you. Yes, there is a sense of "relief" that they are gone and we are relieved of the day o day pain. But the sadness remains.<P>Would you like to look at my post about "Celebration - I had a good day". It is pretty trite and simple stuff - but I guess the message I am trying to convey is that I am trying to take each day as it comes.<P>I hope that the sun shines for you in the new day.<P>Love<P>R

Mrs O - I do know exactly how you feel. I remember feeling the same way after my husband moved out.<P>And I agree with you about the emotional needs thing. I think there is a lot more to love than a full love bank - however, there isn't much more to falling OUT of love than an empty one. Does that make any sense? I think it is maturity and moral values that enable us to remain in love with people that do not meet our needs. Putting onesself first over all others regardless of your commitments is, to me, immature. It is exactly what a person in an affair does - puts himself first - above everything.<P>Try to do as Rosebrook says ... one day at a time. You can do it and you can actually be happy without him - and STILL be in love with him. I have been separated from my husband (who is living with the OW "slug") for just over two years now. It doesn't seem that long for me. And I still love him as much as I did two years ago ... or five years ago or 15 years ago when we met... And I am happy most of the time, even though I still miss him and still love him.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

I agree with Terri that there is a lot more to love than meeting needs and the "lovebank" concept.<P>I almost wish I ever felt relief. Sometimes I think I should feel relief that my H isn't disappearing for hours, acting constantly irritable, or screaming at his computer games. But I don't feel any relief at all. I miss him just as much today as I did when he walked out almost two years ago. No matter how bad it was when he was here and in the midst of his affair, it is 1000 times worse now. <P>

Mrs. O,<BR>That's quite a list of reasons to be glad your H is gone. It's so sad to realize how much pain we're enduring at the hands of our spouses. I never thought I'd ever seek out counselling, but I did. My counsellor is a beginner, and I hope that she's giving me good advice. I think people possess a certain level of flakiness within themselves in order to be attracted to that profession! I don't have much confidence in flakes counselling flakes. I'm definitely in the flaky category lately! <P>Anyway, at least the counsellor is a good listener, which is more than I have at home. Here's an exercise that really gave me the courage to move out of my house last Monday. On the left side of some paper make a list of the rewards you receive from your marriage. On the right side, make a list of consequences (you've already done that part in this post). The consequences are the "price" you're paying for your marriage. Look at the price you're paying for those rewards. I don't know about you, but my price was way too high. It really helped put things in perspective. Hope it helps you too.