H came home last Saturday and told me he wanted to make a plan to work on our marriage. We talked about a plan and everything sounded really good. Things were a little awkward between us this week, but I expected them to be. We were making plans for Christmas and spring vacation etc. I was nervous that we didn't yet have a real set timeframe for dropping divorce, OW, and H's townhome, but we had talked about all 3 and more.<P>Well, you can tell by the title where this was headed. After going to a movie together tonight, he told me this wasn't going to work, that he couldn't make a commitment to me. He had come back to try to try and he feels that he just can't try so he left again tonight and says he isn't coming back. He said that he can't keep putting us both through this. He said that he let me, his counselor, and others convince him that he should be trying, but he doesn't really want to. He was angry at me for wanting to "debate" it with him again. He's mad that I make him feel guilty about the morality of what he is doing and guilty about the kids. (It is somehow my fault that the Bible says it is wrong for him to divorce me. I only point this out when he brings up the religous aspect of what he is doing.)<P>For the first time ever since he told me of problems in Nov. 1999 and since D-day in May 2000, I screamed at him and lost my temper. I eventually calmed down and apologized. I feel a little disappointed in myself, but his waffling back and forth for the last 2 months and my resulting rollercoaster emotions finally got the best of me.<P>I have finally stopped crying and am probably now in shock. I feel frozen inside and don't want the morning to come when I will have to tell my 3 little boys that daddy left again. I have no idea how I'm going to get through Christmas. I don't know if I can even pretend to be sane, much less happy for my boys' sake.<P>I know the sun will come up tomorrow because it has that nasty habit. I also expect that I will probably get through the day too because I love my boys, but any prayers and/or suggestions would be much appreciated. Sorry to post this bad news after it looked so promising.

exhausted,<P>I am so sorry. My H has done the same thing several times. I wish I could give you answers but all I can send you & your boys are prayers. Your boys will miss their dad but you can hang in there. Is he planning on spending Christmas with ya'll or can you go away at the last moment to your family? <P>Prayers being sent.<P>

dear exhausted<P>Stay strong! Your boys need you at Christmas as you know. But how can you do that ? Right now I am trying to take each day as it comes. maybe you need to take each minute as it comes. <P>It occurs to me that maybe your H is in a state of shock=withdrawal (who knows what goes through their la la land brains?). I dont blame you for getting angry. Last Christmas day I caught my H on the phone to OW - and i screamed and yelled and said words I didnt even think I knew.<P>Are you strong enough to stay with it? maybe your children give you the strength and calm you need. (ours are grown up). My suggestion is to promise yourself to "enjoy" Christmas and dont break your promise to yourself. At another time i can tel you about the long term effet of unhappy childhood Christmases.<P>And then, after Christmas review plan A/Plan B and decide what to do from here.<P>I will try and be here for you. I am spending Christmas pretty much on my own (first time in all my life) so i am going to open my computer.<P>I will be hinking of you.<P>R<P>

Thank you Sing and Rosebrook,<P>This time the rollercoaster went up farther than it ever has before so the corresponding fall is devastating in a way I couldn't have even imagined. To make it worse, after this, I'm sure H will go out of his way to dash any hopes at all costs and it was the hope that kept me going.<P>Sing, thanks for being there and the prayers. I think I'll be spending Christmas Eve with my family -- joy for them I'm sure (not!) But they do love me and support me so it is certainly better than nothing. <P>Rosebrook, thanks for the offer of "being here" over Christmas. I'll probably need it!

.<p>[This message has been edited by Trying to move on (edited March 21, 2001).]

Dear Exhausted,<P>I am just so sad to hear what your H has done. The Holidays are just the worst time for this. I don't know what I can offer you, except my prayers hon, but right now you need to let him go and concentrate on your boys. Give yourself some time to think about what YOU want.<P>Christmas is going to be hard on so many of us this year. We'll be opening presents Christmas morning without dad here for the first time ever. It's up to me to set the mood of the day. I will be aware of my children hurting, but will do my best to make it as good as it can be. We are all shell shocked, as you are...and I"m sure your boys are. Please let them know it's ok for them to feel sad and cry, it's so hard on little boys that feel like they need to be brave.<P>I'm sorry to say this, but your husband is a fool. To play with your heart like this is so very wrong. He should have damn well known he was going to stay when he walked back in your door...or he should not have tried it. He is weak...so guess what, you get to try to be the strong one right now. You have no choice hon, no one else is going to do it. <P>Let the Holiday come and go...know that you will feel sad, as will your boys. Lean on your family as much as you need to. I've learned that my family really WANT to help me. It makes them feel good when they have been there for me, and boy have they ever. People want to feel needed, it's just part of human nature. Don't try to do this all on your own.<P>And I'll tell you what...join me on New Years Eve here on these boards for a toast. I am buying an expensive bottle of champagne (on H's credit card) and toasting 2000 good bye. Good riddance. Bon Voyage. It's been a helluva year, and I can't wait till it's over.<P>You can do this Exhausted. You are so much stronger than you know. Your boys will look up to you as their hero, which kinda will make it all worth it.<P>we're gonna make it!<P>allison

Thanks Allison!<P>I know that there are so many of us in pain this year handling so many things we don't deserve to be handling. Thank you for the pep talk about my kids. I needed it. If nothing else I want to be able to be proud of something in my life and I guess at this point it will have to be being the best, most loving mother I can possibly be.<P>I guess it has been the free fall from the mountain top that has made this more difficult than ever. I will take your advice to heart though. <P>I love your idea about New Year's. I will have to start the celebration a day early, however, Dec. 30 is our anniversary!

Dear {{{{{{{{Exhausted}}}}}}}}}}<P>It is good riddance to an old century, actually. The real new millenium is scentifically 2001. <P>You have recieved wonderful advice from caring people who have experienced / experiencing such undeserved hurts. I agree that your sons will need you to make the holidays a enjoyable and loving time. Praying and reading bible stories would be great so that they know and feel warmed by the love of God. Tell them that they each have two guardian angels - my pastor's daughter has two, maybe some have one. But I know that God loves the little ones. I have two wonderful books by Stormie Omartian - power of a praying parent , and power of a praying wife.<P>As for your H, I believe that you can pray for God to convict him of what he is doing. I think he is overwhelmed by the task and responsibility of rebuilding and restoration that will be needed for the damage he has done. He needs to face the issues and deal with his guilt by accepting and acknowledging his part to God and seeking forgiveness of God, you and himself. I think he is still not at that point yet.<P>Pray for hedges of protection around your marriage and spouse so that no lover other than you, gets to him and vice versa. Commit him and your marriage to God so that God's will be done in his and your lives.<P>The pain and shame of adultery can bring a person down. He needs to repent and when he does that he will be able to break away the one flesh principle in the bible and call back the fragment that has been taken away after he left the OP. I believe that this is why WS has withdrawals - a part of them is with another and they are no longer whole.<P>Please pray for wholeness in your marriage, especially for your children.<P>I will be praying for you.<P>God bless and help you<BR>love from weep

Exhausted,<P>I'm very sad that this has happened. I also felt anger when I read your post, for your H doing this again. As members of MB, we all feel joy when someone is succeeding. Conversely, we feel the opposite when this happens.<P>Rise above this and know that you are an awesome person, and you are handling this in an amazing way. Your strength and dedication to what you believe in is something that most people don't have in them the way that you do. In your journey, the kids will eventually know about this strength, and love you and thank you for it.<P>It isn't over yet, and I think we all need to get through the holidays and have things settled down from it so we can focus on our situations and do what is right for each of us. It is a hump that we need to get over, unfortunately.<P>I'll be around the whole holidays, and will be checking in here. Xmas day I'll be on some, especially in the evening. New Years eve I'll be home....got the kids throughout that stretch. WS will be out having fun. More power to her. I'll take Allison's suggestion and have a drink of fine wine.<P>We only have so much control over what our WSs do, and beyond that, all we can do is our best and deal with what comes our way. What goes around comes around. Remember that. Your efforts and strength will come around to benefit you no matter what happens. It is just hard to withstand this crap.<P>Please take care and focus on the children, but I know you do that anyway. They are the lights in a dim room right now, but the room will get brighter. It just takes time.

Thanks Weep and Rick!<P>Each of your responses has moved me to tears. The people on this forum have reminded me that there are so many good, caring people out there and, unfortunately. so many people in such deep, gut-wrenching pain. It also makes me really wonder how all our WSs can't see how wonderful we are <P>I am going to try and summon up enough strength to act as happy as I can between now and Dec. 26. I do not deserve to have this precious and sacred time with my children ruined and I guess it will be up to me and God to make sure it isn't.<P>Weep, I think you are right when you say H gets overwhelmed by all the work it would take to fix things. He starts to feel those withdrawal pains and panics. The sad thing is that I don't think he'll ever really be happy with the path he is taking. But he may be deep enough in MLC and denial to admit it for quite some time, if ever.<P>Thank you all for your wonderful support. You, my children and God keep me going when I sometimes just want to quit the whole mess.

Exhausted<P>Just wondering how your day went? How are the boys? You may have posted updates already but my computer will not show the new ones. <P>

Dear Sing,<P>Thanks for asking about my day. My sister came to be with me for part of the day and that helped. Then an old high school friend in town visiting her parents called. On any other day, I probably wouldn't have mentioned my problems, but I was too distraught to pretend so I told her some of my sad story. We arranged to meet for lunch today when H picks up the boys . She is a state seator now, but she used to be a family law lawyer so I know she will be able to sympathize with my situation and lend me some perspective.<P>Even in my misery, I can see that God is continually putting people in my path to help me through this and I am so thankful that these people have been willing to jump into this sordid mess and help me.<P>Last night, my older 2 boys and I stayed up a little bit late and then we slept in sleeping bags next to the Christmas tree. It was a special time and something I needed to get my focus back on them. (I also slept for 7 straight hours -- something I haven't been able to do for a long, long time.)<P>Thanks for thinking of me and keeping me in your prayers. Today should be a little better, but I'm not looking forward to a night without the boys. I think I will rent some action movies and wrap presents to keep me distracted.

Exhausted,<P>I was hoping to hear an update from you as to how you are doing, so I'm glad to hear that you have some distractions from all this mess.<P>I liked the sleeping by the tree idea. Nice treat for the kids and you. Hang in there with the rest of us here.

Exhausted....<P>It's how we all feel this year...<P>This will be my second Christmas without my H so was Thanksgiving...That morning I cried while in the shower and then put it behind me for the rest of the day...<P>I will do proably do the same at Christmas... But my children and grandson will once again be with me and H will be with his parents...(Lucky HIM....)Won't go into it now , but serves him right...<P>Anyway I can say now...it does get better. <BR>Also since my kids are not on good terms with thier dad ...they don't mind being with MOM...MOM has been here for better or worse and THEY know it...so I will be here to make the Day as memoriable for them as I can.<P>With little money...at least they know...as my son says" We have alot of LOVE mom...and that is what is important..."<P>God Bless you and your boys and I will say special prayers for all US MB's that will be without our WS..<BR>Tyra<P>