Hi guys, <P>yesterday night H stayed overnight, first time since separation Aug 31 He came for D's sake, and her being sad when he wanted to leave made him stay, but, it didn't take much to persuade him stay (only one sentence!). I told him "didn't you see she can't stop talking, babbles just to keep you here for some more time?" He said yes, I noticed ... well, maybe I can stay ... (it was 0.30 AM!) <P>I offered to sleep on a couch if he wants, but he said no, you can stay here. So, all three of us slept in our bedroom, he in the middle (thanks God for having king size bed, LOL). <P>I just gave him goodnight kiss, didn't want to push for any hugs or so. He got up before me, and I heard some noise from the kitchen - OMG, he's making coffee ...<BR>It was like I'm re-living our old good days; ... coffee in the morning ... my small ritual of gently rubbing my cheek onto his, just freshly shaved (I never missed that one, whenever I had chance), hug and kiss before leaving for office ... I actually got all this today (A Christmas Gift, indeed). <P>Well, what happened? <BR>I had a talk with D's schoolmaster yesterday, she told me D is withdrawing, living in her own world (no wonder, she is teenager, and her father ment everything to her),and was collecting lower marks, significantly below her usual level of performance. <P>After last weekend H spent with us (it became kinda regular in last 3 weeks), again we had 3 days of no contact, but he kept sending e-mails every day. No words, just forwarded a short joke or interesting webpage link, no comments. This time I decided not to wait for him to call again, sent SMS asking just "Are you OK?" (refering to him being sad and depressed last Sunday). He called back, sounded sad again. While talking (chatting, better to say), he loosed a bit and sounded better. <P>Asked me about D, and it just came out from me. Thanks God, I'm proud of myself I could put it calmly, but, honestly, inside I was angry she hurts alot. That is where he became slient again, and seconds later I heard him crying ... <P>PTC... Plan A... and I just said as gentle as I could "Look, you used to be the best Dad I could ever imagine, and I still think you are. Your relation has been deep and open, don't lose it. Don't do it to yourself, she is changing the way she thinks of you, but she needs you now more than ever, and she wants you the way you used to be. Nothing so horrible has happened yet that it cannot be mended. You know you have special place in our hearts."<P>By then he was already all in tears, silent but barely could talk. I told him I can't do much to make their relation better now, but I will help everything else I could. He said there is nothing more I can do, I'm doing my part good. Oh, what a patch for that big hole in my heart! <P>Promised to come in the evening. It was good evening, a lot of laugh, D couldn't stop talking, they were kissing and hugging all the time. She was sitting on his lap chatting and making fun. I was thankful for having that moment, but dying inside, knowing once again he would leave. <P>So, this is good news I believe. But, it always comes packed with a bad one, isn't it? Today, downloading messages I found a tempalte of Christmas e-card he sent out to his business associates SIGNED TOGETHER WITH OW! Yes, she used to work with him on the same job, but she was transferred 1st Nov! I know she was coming occasionally in Dec, allegidly to help him during rush job period, it was really piling, and as I understand he now don't have assistant, nobody replaced her. Anyway, it hurts. <P>There was another one, too: H's aunt (the one that supports the A and allied with OW) sent Christmas card addressed ONLY to me and D wishing us all the best .... ARGHHH... <P>Well, I really don't know what to think. Sometimes I think, like Worthatry said in his thread, there is no much time for OW, because he spends quite a lot of time with parents and BILs, in last 4 weeks partially with us, too. I'm not sure, but from what I see I would tell A is not so intensive any more. Sure they are in contact but don't know to what extent. <P>On the other hand, what all this with cards mean? I'm not sure is he hiding things from me. Knowing all MIL's sisters are very close and confide in each other, knowing all his family is actually supporting him whatever he does, just because "he finally is happy, with OW" (they never overcame us marrying relatively young (24), and of course, for them, I blackmailed him with pregnancy.)<P>I just don't know are they all hiding the truth from me so successfuly (in that case they deserve Academy Award for acting), or they just exadurate. However, I'm not struggling with the A, but with in-laws too. If we reconcile, with him having this pesonal issue of being unable to confront his parents and tell what he really means (when they badmouth me, he is unable to defend me, but it bothers him), I'm just afraid will it ever function properly. <P>Please, tell me what do you think. Now it looks good, but it swings, up and down, and I'm not sure what to read in. I'm confused and scared in a way. <P>Thanks for your help and for reading such a long thread. I just need to share it with someone, I have no family to support me, nor I can count on in-laws, on the contrary. <BR> <P>Wish you all blessed holidays<P><BR>Adrian<P>------------------------------------<P>The Twelve Gifts I wish for You<P>Happiness. Deep down within. <BR>Serenity. With each sunrise. <BR>Success. In each facet of your life. <BR>Family. Beside you. <BR>Close and caring friends. <BR>Health. Inside you. <BR>Love. That never ends. <BR>Special memories. Of all the yesterdays. <BR>A bright today. With much to be thankful for. <BR>A path. That leads you to beautiful tomorrows. <BR>Dreams. That do their best to come true. <BR>Appreciation. Of all the wonderful things about you. <P>Collin McCarty<p>[This message has been edited by Adrian (edited December 22, 2000).]

Adrian - hope you get a reply from someone better versed than I in recovery, but there sure are a lot of good signs. And you seem to be appropriately cautious. Keep doing what you're doing, and if the roller coaster takes a few more dips, don't be surprised, but use the good moments to boost your confidence in your self to help ride out the dips. Good luck!<P>WAT

Well, Honey, you've already figured out there are tons of good signs. But WAT's right, be cautious, there will be backslides.<P>If you remember in my last post, Robert and PT sent out Christmas cards together last year, too. They were still living together. His family included her in everything (they love me, but wanted him to be happy).<P>He asked to come home just a few weeks after Christmas. Left directly from PT's house. Didn't tell her he was coming home.<P>The rough part could be yet to come. Keep being supportive. You're the lighthouse in the storm, the one consistant thing in his life...stay that way. This stuff takes a long time.<P>Great he's becoming more involved for your daughter. She needs him.<P>The holidays will be very hard on him and you may get a backslide afterward, to protect himself. Don't let it phase you.<P>Hang in there...you're doing just fine. Enjoy the holidays and that precious girl of yours!<P>Lori

Adrian,<P>I think you are doing really great. And what have happened to you seem to me a really good sign.<BR>I'm not sure how much your H and OW contact each other but since he's spending time with you and your D he won't have much time for her. Your plan Aing is working well.. keep up the good work <P>About your in-laws.. I think, when your H decides to come home he has to choose either cutting off the contact with them or standing up for you when they badmouth about you.<P>I'm glad you got a very nice Christmas gifts .<P>Meg<BR>

Just a quick note to say that this is all good news, and I wouldn't focus too much on the cards thing. The way I see it (and I'm not the expert in this area), while there is momentum with the OP, things like that happen, and just as a spouse has an A yet continues to be home (expecially before D-Day) pretending that everything is cool, it can also apply to the A itself. He is torn up inside, but your Plan A is working, the impact this is having on your daughter is affecting him. This stuff all rocks the fantasy world that they created.<P>Like everyone said, just be hanging on for the ride, because it will be up and down. But there are good signs. Just keep doing what you are doing.<P>The OP thing just doesn't end overnight in most cases, from what I've seen. My wife is hard to figure out. She is miserable, but OM is still around. So I try and ignore things like cards etc. Sure they are still being a bit mushy, probably. But wait till she snaps at him a few times like she's doing to everyone else. The world will crumble. That is my theory anyway.<P>Just focus on the good stuff, but be cautious and prepared for the ride.