Feeling pretty cruddy today. H came over to use my car (needed to get a ticket signed off) The whole morning as I am waiting his arrival I am pumping myself up to say the right things NO LB"S.. He shows up I am nervous as all you know what. I notice that he got his windows tinted on his truck which I may add I bought for him. He has not paid one penny of child suport to me since he left and he has money to tint his windows. How selfish!!!!!!! O course he is in a big hurry he is leaving town with OW for their xmas celebration. I bet he will not even call my kids on Xmas..<P>I was very calm talked small talk, he rushed out.. Came back the officer would not sign off ticket. Who knows why, anyhow he then comes back and vents for a minute then he leaves. We say goodbye and about 10 mins kater he calls me.. Says I am gonna come back over and take a polaroid of the car so I can show the judge that the repairs are done. So he does. As he is leaving this time I say " Hope you have a Merry Christmas"<BR>He replies with "ya well you too you know I never really liked the holidays anyways" Gee that is news to me. He has more fun on xmas then my kids do! So he is off on his little romantic getaway for the weekend and here I sit. He acts like nothin... When He was leaving I said I love you he waived and drove off. I know he was in a hurry to get back to OW when she is not around he will stay and chat for an hour today he was outta here.<BR>I did notice that the CD I made for him was in his truck though. Wander is he listened to it.<BR>I cannot believe that this man can just run off for xmas and not see his kids.<BR> He said he was going to pick them up on Tuesday and let them stay a few days, but my kids don't want to go beacause of OW.... I said to him I am not sure what the kids have decided you will need to talk to them. He said welll I am not gonna deal with this I will talk to them.<P>Why can he not understand that our children have a big issue with this. Why is this man so selfish that his childrens feeling don't even matter to him?<P>I went and did some xmas shopping last night had panic attacks all over the place.. Had to come home. A friend called and talked me into going out for a bit so I did. Had fun but, here I am back to reality. Gut hurts so bad, cannot eat, headache, sorness in my back, feel like a zombie my hands are shaky, and I feel the need to vomit every second....<BR>H just leaves here all happy and cheerful like nothin has ever happened. I try to repeat to myself over and over again..... He is sick , he has issues, he is in for a big suprise, his little fantasy is gonna blow up right in his face...... Then a minute later I feel hopeless, sad and full of anxiety!!! I cannot even finish my shopping cuz I cannot be in the store for more then 5 mins. All the noise and confusion makes me panic. I have got to find away to stay convinced of this FOG and the reality of all this. He seems so cold and selfish right now. I am having a hard time finding a good thought about him..Good thing I will not be able to contact him for 3 days, however I think it is wrong that he leaves town and I have noway of contacting him if there is an emergency with one of my kids. Oh well I guess he will be the last to know.... Ok I feel a little bit relieved. For the next minute or so anyways<P> I am dreading xmas day I do not get a long with my mother or sister and I have to spend the day with them. I just want to crawl in a hole and die right now. Or at least sleep for a year.. I feel like this is all a bad nightmare and I am gonna wake up and everything will go back the way it was..<BR> Thanks for letting me vent.. Encouragement would be very helpful right now...<P><BR>Diana<BR>Thank you all<BR>Sick and tired of being sick and tired!!!!!!

Dear Diana,<P>I always knew that the holiday season was tough for people that were unhappy going into it, but I had no idea how aweful it could be until this year. I am so sorry for all your pain. I can identify with lots of what you are experiencing. <P>Have you seen a doctor about your physical symptoms? Maybe a doctor could prescribe something that would make it easier to deal with them.<P>As several people told me today, we need to be extra strong for our children this weekend. Let's focus on making it as happy a holiday as we can for them. Our WSs cannot control that or take it away from us. We will always be able to look back and say we summoned up superhuman strength for the sake of our kids and be proud of it. <P>Come what may in the future, I am coming to believe more each day what everyone says about how we really need to focus on ourselves and make us the best people we can be. We have some control over that and it helps build back our self-respect.<P>As for your H, I am firmly convinced from all of our experiences that he has turned off his conscience with respect to you and the children. There is just no other way to explain how someone you love and who once loved you can do these things to you and your children. I think that while the A is going on WSs are almost incapable of thinking about anyone but themselves. Sometimes, though, I think their conscience rears up a little bit and they say or do things to indicate a little remorse and then back to lala land they go.<P>Do not let him totally ruin your Christmas. I know it will be sad and unhappy, but try to find 1 thing each hour to smile about. I'm feeling really low myself today so I'm going to try realy hard to take my own advice!<P>Hang in there. You are stronger than you think!