Feeling pretty cruddy today. H came over to use my car (needed to get a ticket signed off) The whole morning as I am waiting his arrival I am pumping myself up to say the right things NO LB"S.. He shows up I am nervous as all you know what. I notice that he got his windows tinted on his truck which I may add I bought for him. He has not paid one penny of child suport to me since he left and he has money to tint his windows. How selfish!!!!!!! O course he is in a big hurry he is leaving town with OW for their xmas celebration. I bet he will not even call my kids on Xmas..<P>I was very calm talked small talk, he rushed out.. Came back the officer would not sign off ticket. Who knows why, anyhow he then comes back and vents for a minute then he leaves. We say goodbye and about 10 mins kater he calls me.. Says I am gonna come back over and take a polaroid of the car so I can show the judge that the repairs are done. So he does. As he is leaving this time I say " Hope you have a Merry Christmas"<BR>He replies with "ya well you too you know I never really liked the holidays anyways" Gee that is news to me. He has more fun on xmas then my kids do! So he is off on his little romantic getaway for the weekend and here I sit. He acts like nothin... When He was leaving I said I love you he waived and drove off. I know he was in a hurry to get back to OW when she is not around he will stay and chat for an hour today he was outta here.<BR>I did notice that the CD I made for him was in his truck though. Wander is he listened to it.<BR>I cannot believe that this man can just run off for xmas and not see his kids.<BR> He said he was going to pick them up on Tuesday and let them stay a few days, but my kids don't want to go beacause of OW.... I said to him I am not sure what the kids have decided you will need to talk to them. He said welll I am not gonna deal with this I will talk to them.<P>Why can he not understand that our children have a big issue with this. Why is this man so selfish that his childrens feeling don't even matter to him?<P>I went and did some xmas shopping last night had panic attacks all over the place.. Had to come home. A friend called and talked me into going out for a bit so I did. Had fun but, here I am back to reality. Gut hurts so bad, cannot eat, headache, sorness in my back, feel like a zombie my hands are shaky, and I feel the need to vomit every second....<BR>H just leaves here all happy and cheerful like nothin has ever happened. I try to repeat to myself over and over again..... He is sick , he has issues, he is in for a big suprise, his little fantasy is gonna blow up right in his face...... Then a minute later I feel hopeless, sad and full of anxiety!!! I cannot even finish my shopping cuz I cannot be in the store for more then 5 mins. All the noise and confusion makes me panic. I have got to find away to stay convinced of this FOG and the reality of all this. He seems so cold and selfish right now. I am having a hard time finding a good thought about him..Good thing I will not be able to contact him for 3 days, however I think it is wrong that he leaves town and I have noway of contacting him if there is an emergency with one of my kids. Oh well I guess he will be the last to know.... Ok I feel a little bit relieved. For the next minute or so anyways<P> I am dreading xmas day I do not get a long with my mother or sister and I have to spend the day with them. I just want to crawl in a hole and die right now. Or at least sleep for a year.. I feel like this is all a bad nightmare and I am gonna wake up and everything will go back the way it was..<BR> Thanks for letting me vent.. Encouragement would be very helpful right now...<P><BR>Diana<BR>Thank you all<BR>Sick and tired of being sick and tired!!!!!!