Hi Rosebrook,<P>I'll share with you a few more things that may help. I've always suspected that my H has mental problems, but he was able to keep them under wraps, so to speak, by totally throwing himself into his work, and through the use of alcohol, although he never drank enough to be classified an alcoholic (I don't think). I never insisted that he get into therapy as it would have been very detrimental to his military career, plus he seemed to be coping.<P>He idealized me. To him, the sun rose and set on my head. He was very protective of me. Many times he referred to me as his "rock", his tether to reality. I am very calm by nature and I had a way of soothing his anxiety. He seemed to be very devoted to me. We never fought, although much of the time I felt like I was walking on eggshells. A few times throughout our marriage I witnessed an uncontrollable rage burst forth from him when he was under a lot of stress. I must say it was frightening to me.<P>He was abused as a child and his mother is an alcoholic who mistreated him. It was so bad that he left home at the age of 14. I suspect that she, too has BPD as she was married 7 or 8 times (my H lost count), she alienated both of her children and is living a solitary, lonely existence. He hates his mother. Part of our problem is that he's projected his feelings toward her onto me. <P>Things seemed to be fine between us until around five years ago. I was relocated & he took a job that wasn't very high paying and was physical to a degree. He began having heart arrythmias. He quit his job and I got him in to see a cardiologist. They did some tests and couldn't find anything wrong so they told him to stop the caffeine and alcohol. He then applied for several other jobs (at my insistence), but did not get hired. This was a crushing blow to his ego. Finally, he stopped looking altogether. <P>Meanwhile, my job was becoming intolerable. I tried several times to transfer out of the department, but they wouldn't let me go. I didn't realize that I was spiralling into a depression because I was feeling so trapped. I fell into the habit of coming home and venting. He never told me how it was making him feel.<P>Enter OW.<P>He has told me a few times that he is afraid of me. And, that he feels anger towards me but he doesn't understand why. After reading more about Borderline Personality Disorder, I had a discussion this week with him. For the first time, he was able to admit that when I was spiralling downward, it terrified him. He always viewed me as his "security", and when he saw me crumbling, it scared him, then the fear turned into anger. One of the symptoms, of BPD is that they tend to idealize people, then when they discover the person isn't perfect, they villify them. They also have trouble setting limits for themselves, respecting the limits of others, and they tend to overuse fantasy as a means of avoiding conflict. They feel emotion, whether it be good or bad very intensely and have difficulty regulating it. To protect himself, he emotionally divorced me, then transferred those feelings onto OW. <P>I found a book on the internet that I want to get. It's called, "Walking on Eggshells- dealing with Borderline Personality Disorder". I think the more I know about this illness, the better I will be able to cope.<P>Here is my email address, if you would ever like to compare notes:<P>skibears12@aol.com<P>By the way, read my post to Lonely Heart about how I got my H into treatment.<P>Hang in there and I hope you have a wonderful Christmas.
