I've never felt lower than I do at this moment. I've been in an EMA for the last 6 months and my H just found out. He found out by having our phone tapped, something he had to resort to b/c I kept denying it.<P>I don't know what I was thinking by becoming involved with someone else. My H and I have had our problems, which culminated in him hitting me 6 months ago. Instead of dealing with the issues at hand, I used an EMA to dull the pain.<P>Seeing the pain in my H's eyes over the last few days has made me question the kind of person I am. I have caused him more agony than he deserves. I've destroyed his life and hate myself for doing so.<P>He's ready to divorce me, and I don't blame him. This incident is the wake-up call of a lifetime - I realize how much I love him and how much I want to repair our marriage. I have been so unfair to him in so many ways.<P>I don't know what to do. I want to save our marriage and will do ANYTHING to repair the damage I've done, but my H doesn't believe me. I don't blame him there, either.<P>Has anyone had their marriage strengthened by an EMA or do they all end in divorce. Any input or advice would be greatly appreciated.

Hi Susie,<P>It's a holiday right now, so there are not a lot of people on this site at the moment. To answer your question, yes, it is possible to recover your marriage and make it stronger than ever.<P>My wife had a 4 month affair earlier this year. I can tell you that your husband is going through the most painful experience in his life. He is in shock right now, and it will take a little time for him to get back up. He also will not trust you again for a very long time, and everything you say will be taken with a grain of salt. Just expect it, and try not to get upset with him when he doesn't believe you.<P>The only advice I can give you right now is to be there for him. Right now you need to be the healer. He will be experiencing some intense lows, and I know that during those very early days my wife, although she caused the pain to begin with, was a source of comfort to me because she didn't run away or withdraw when she saw me in such a broken state. She did whatever she could to comfort me and to assure me that she did in fact love me. (And it has taken a while for me to believe her again). <P>If you haven't already, end whatever contact you have with this other man. Do whatever you can to assure your husband that it's over and that you want to recover and rebuild. I would not go anywhere alone anymore if you could help it because it would cause your husband to become very suspicious, and it will drive him crazy (I know it did for me).<P>I also recommend you get some of Dr. Harley's books. "Surviving An Affair" and "His Needs, Her Needs" have helped myself and my wife deal with the affair, why it happened, and what we can do to make our marriage better. Also, if you can afford it try to get some counseling for you and your husband.<P>You can recover, but it will take a lot of time and effort. I am still relatively new in dealing with my wife's recent affair (I found out about it in September), and we have by no means completely recovered yet. However, I did have to deal with an episode of her cheating on me nine years ago before we were married. For many years afterward we had a very happy and wonderful marriage. I know it's possible to get that back. That's why I stay.<P>I hope this helps, and you will probably get more responses after the holidays.<P>-HD<P> <p>[This message has been edited by HurtingDeeply (edited December 23, 2000).]

Thanks so much for your good advice. My H has left and gone to visit his mother for the holidays - he left a note saying he needed time alone.<P>Right now my biggest fear is that his mother will convince him to divorce me (she's never liked me) once she hears what I've done.<P>I can only pray that he'll come home to me and give me a chance to try to undo the terrible damage I've done.

Susie,<P>Since your H is gone for the holidays you might want to take this opportunity to do some reading. I would recommend two books to you but there are of course others that are very good. ONe of the books is "His Needs Her Needs" and the other is "Surviving an Affair", both are by Harley. <P>These books will help you understand the terminology used here, but more importantly they may help you to understand why you and H were having your problems to begin with and why you had the affair. If there is to be recovery that fact needs to be understood by both of you. It isn't an excuse, but in order to rebuild trust your H will need to know why it happened so that he can take measures in your relationship that keep you from getting into the same emotional state you were in before the affair started.<P>If you want to know about what goes on here and read some of the articles please go to NSR's general greeting message in the "Just Found Out" section. You may have to go back a week or two to find the latest posting of it. In this post you will find bookmarks to many useful articles, books, and other posts.<P>Do your best to educate yourself on the needs issues, I suspect that not understanding your H and he not understanding you, is a main cause of your troubles before the affair.<P>Hope this helps some.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Susie, I wish my wife had your humbleness. You're a step ahead of a lot of us in recognizing and admitting your wake up call. When he gets home from the holidays, show him this site and all of us trying to reach out to our wayward spouses how refuse to make the admission you have. He'll hopefully realize that he's got a good chance at an improved marriage because you're willing to take the first step toward rebuilding. <P>WAT

Welcome <B>Susie7753</B>...<P>Thanks for the reference <B>JL</B>...<BR>...always one to give a heads up!<P>Here's a good starting point...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://pages.ivillage.com/mb_nsr/MB_GW.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Please learn all you can about... and then start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Check out... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>...<P>And in your case...<BR>...start contacting you H immediately...<BR>...apologize (if you can)<BR>...send correspondence to that effect<BR>...let him know you'll start counseling immediately (MB counseling is excellent)<P>This is a hard time of year for any such discoveries...<BR>...now is the time though... to work on yourself.<P><B>You are not alone!</B><P> <P>Jim

Jim, I'd love to contact my husband, but he's so angry that I know he doesn't want to speak to me - and the fact that he's at his mother's doesn't help. I'm sure she already has him convinced he should divorce me.<P>In the note he left me he said he needed time alone to sort things out, which I understand and respect. He said he didn't want me influencing him. But his mother's influence is VERY powerful.<P>What can I do about THAT???

Susie:<P>I'm what those on the board call a "WS" (for "Wayward Spouse" -- i.e., I had an affair). My affair was mostly an emotional one, although it was physical one time.<P>Believe me, I know what you're going through. I know you feel awful, think that you're worthless, are having all these awful recriminations and fears and doubts about yourself. It's normal. You'll get through it, I promise you.<P>I also know that you're probably panicking about the state of your relationship with your H right now. You want to erase what you'd been doing and put everything back to the way it was before the EA started. That's also normal.<P>Thing is, the way things were before the A started is part of what led to the affair in the first place. The affair, its discovery and (I assume?) its ending is giving you the chance, only a chance, but a chance, to put your marriage back on the right track, one that will last a good long time.<P>There are a few things you can do at this point to help your marriage's chance of success. First, if you haven't, cease all contact with the man with whom you were having the affair. Next, try to examine your marriage, what problems you might have been experiencing, what might have led you to start the affair, etc. Try to focus on how you can improve your own life, your outlook, etc. Then, "Plan A" your husband to death -- really try hard to meet all of his emotional and other needs in the coming months.<P>One word. You mentioned that your husband hit you a few months ago. Just as there is never an "excuse" for an affair, there is NEVER an excuse for physical violence, no matter how bad things get, no matter what's happened between you. I don't know the circumstances of what happened, but I do know that you can't take that stuff lightly, or dismiss it. If he's abusing you, you should do more than have an affair, you should leave him.<P>As to your Mother in law, I can't really give you any advice. Any man who couldnt' stand up to his mother's influence and decide for himself what he wanted to do might not be worth having. Does his mother know that he's hit you? Anyway, there's nothing you can do about it. Just be kind to him, meet his needs, etc.<P>Good luck!!

Taxman, thanks for your input. No, my H isn't abusing me - it was an isolated incident. And still no excuse for what I did.<P>The EMA is definitely over and I'll never contact him again.<P>I just want my H to know how sorry I am, but he can't believe me and I don't know if he ever will.

Taxman, thanks for your input. No, my H isn't abusing me - it was an isolated incident. And still no excuse for what I did.<P>The EMA is definitely over and I'll never contact him again.<P>I just want my H to know how sorry I am, but he can't believe me and I don't know if he ever will.

Hi Susie,<BR>I too am a WS. I know exactly how you are feeling right now. "What was I thinking!!??" I am very sorry that your husband is not with you. One thing my H and I did was spend every single minute after the discovery together. We would have marathon sessions of questions and answers, some good, some bad. After one weekend all of a sudden we were eating dinner, and he told me to pack my things and get out. Let me tell you, that was the shock of my life time. It made me aware that this was a very very serious issue, and I better get my self in gear. I came back the next day, but, seeing the look on my kids faces as I was leaving, was one of the most painful things I ever saw in my life. I don't know all about your story, but I can assure you, that mine is probably 100x worse. But, we are making it. We have both read a ton of books. Also,the no contact is very important. I never go anywhere by myself. I always take one of my children with me. I am 100% accountable each and everyday as to my whereabouts. It is a trust building measure that I am very happy to do. I am basically, an open book to my husband. <BR>I know that you are thinking you will never make it through this, but, have faith, you can! It has been almost 4 months, and it has been hard, but, we have spent some of the best times together in these past 4 months too.<BR>When I look at my husband, I too ask myself why did I do this to him? It kills me just thinking about it and how I destroyed his life, my kids, and my own. In the beginning, I think most spouses think of divorce, however once the shock and fog lift, we have found that you will do whatever it takes to make it work, if that is what you want. But, the WS has a lot of work to do. I have made some mistakes, such as losing my temper, but, I am working very hard on that. <BR><p>[This message has been edited by Chrissyb (edited December 23, 2000).]

Combining duplicate posts:<BR>=========================<BR><B>Rick37</B> posted 12-23-2000 06:35 PM CT (US)<BR>=========================<BR>No, they don't all end in divorce at all. If you read the books by the Harley's, most people who experience physical affairs go on to recover. You should get Surviving An Affair, and His Needs/Her Needs, from this website. In the meantime, find the articles here on affairs, recovery, etc.<P>They happen because conditions are right for them to happen. It can happen to anyone, so you aren't a bad person. Emotions are a strong and mysterious, unpredictable thing.<P>I think you both need to get counselling. This could be the wakeup call that you both needed. Your H is bound to be very upset now and feel like it is over, but perhaps with a bit of time, that will change. You need to Plan A as best you can, and of course end the A immediately.<P>You could show your husband this website, and let him see the number of us that know our spouses are CURRENTLY involved in physical affairs, yet still want our marriages to work. We understand why affairs happen and know that our spouses are not bad people. It is all about forgiving. You probably never forget, but can forgive.<P>Post as much as you want, and let us know how you are doing. Look for a recent post from NSR directing people to Plan A, if you haven't read about it already.<P>If you have any questions, ask them.<P>It isn't too late for you. And I know you feel low now, but understand that this can be the start of something new and better, if you both make it that. I know your H might not be there right now. I urge him to read SAA, and you too. You both probably need to work on the problems you referred to 6 months ago.<P>Take care.<P>=========================<P><P>------------------<BR>Tempest, Moderator<BR>Marriage Builders<BR>Infidelity Forum<P>