I spoke with s Harvey the other day.. He had asked some history about my husband. I told him that back in 1990 which was2 years into our relationship my H had an A. We were both young I had just turned 21 and all my friends were single I was going out a lot and he ended up having an A with our neighbor. When I found out he was remorseful and wanted to make things work. I was unwilling at first. H attempted suicide ended up in the hospital and eventually we got back together. 2 years later I left again I was having such a hrd time with everything, being young, 2 kids, no money, I had becamed depressed. I moved out odf our apt and got my own place, started couseling and got back on my feet. At first I No contact with my husband I went a whole month before I let him know where I had moved to.<BR>I filed for divorce had him served. After a bout a month I contacted him, we went to court for our visitation mediation and that day we talked everyday forward we talked and ended up together again. This time around was great I was over the affair, I was mentally more rational due to having the depression under control. We moved back into to gether after 6 mos of seperation. from that day forward we had been together. for many years he was very remorseful about the affair, very insecure, and always worried I was gonna cheat on him for pay back.<BR>As the years have gone on I feel he may have been suffering rom depression himself and I feel that is why he drank more. As the drinking got worse he seemed to have gotten better and the guilt of the affair seem to be easier for him. I never spoke of it to anyone, we came into contact with a lot of new people in our live and I know that he had started discussing the affair with a lot of people. Once again very remorseful and guilty. There were many nights he sat with my best friend and cried to her about how bad he felt. When he stopped drinking he said he had a lot of guilt for it and felt that it had always been the issue in our marriage he felt that I had never really gotten over it. Being that I have had battled with depression for so long he figured that it was the reason I was depressed. Could it be that he never got over the affair and with sobriety he felt he could not deal with it, is this maybe why he got scared and ran. Then this leads me to wander why he would get in a new relationship right after our seperation. I know that he is using OW to replace his voids now, with no alcohol, no wife and his life being upside down he needed someone. He has always been a very needy person and I know he was scared to be on his own. Could this man have loved me soo much that he could not get over the hurt he caused me? At this point I think he is so self indulged and he is looking for happiness. He has found it with OW is this due to the fact he does not have such a pst with er. He feels guilty when he is around me which I know causes his anger and depression. He cannot run from this forever. He is just prlonging his pain and acceptance of what has happened. Could it be that there is so much damage in our relationship he can never be happy with himself if we are together.<P>I had a friend who lost his marriage and went into a year long affair with this gorl he met. Once it came to an end he turned to drugs and alcohol and, eventually having a nervous breakdown. I am scared for my husband. I know I have the strength to be there for him if and when this hits him. With 12 years of love and caring I feel I will be stronger for him then the OW.<P>My faith in this matter comes from the fact that I understand what he is going through, I just hope my love is enough for him to one day see that we can over come all of this hurt.<P> I miss him dearly right now and it hurts so much to know on Christmas day I will not be getting any wonderful gifts or even one of his heartfelt Chritmas cards. Instead he will spend it with OW. I just keep the faith that in his heart he knows he still loves me and could never feel that way about another.<P>He did say to me.... Sometimes you just have to let a relationship go and If it was meant to be it will be..<BR>I sent him a very nice Christmas card with a copy of a letter he wrote me. It is the one I posted earlier. I just wanted to remind him of his fellings he once had. He will probably recieve it when he gets back from his weekend trip with OW.. UHHHGGG!!!!<P>Thanks for reading your responses are very encouraging to me.<P>Merry Christmas<BR>Diana

I read your most recent posts, and I'm sorry that you are in this mess. My impression is that he is in the fog, the classic case like most of our WSs. One thing we know here....all of our spouses that are having affairs, ending marriages, separating...are saying the same things. They proclaim it is over, it should have been long ago, they didn't love us for so long, they want the OP, bla bla bla. These are just the usual lines from someone who is confused and operating out of the fog and on impulse.<P>Sounds like all you can do is Plan A as best you can, be the best you can be, and wait for the fantasy to break up. It usually does. Don't expect the letter you sent him to have much of an impact. In the foggy state, they usually don't want to hear stuff like that. I must say though, it was a very nice letter. I'm glad you use that for encouragment.<P>I know Christmas day will not be fun, for many of us. But we have to do our best. Hang in there.

Thank you.<BR>Yes I know oh so well he is in the fog, his whole idea of our seperation changed when he got involved with OW. I saw it coming, I even told him. I said you know you keep turning to her for help I can already predict what is gonna happen. He said no, she is just a friend I think of her as one of the guys. I was waiting for it to develope and there was nothing I could do. He quit coming by so often and stopped calling for about 3 weeks so I pretty much know when it started. I knew he couldn't handle everything he was going through on his own. He did not turn to any of his friends just her. I thought I had already accepted it but when it was confirmed I took a turn for the worse. thanksgiving is when it hit me and I have not come out of my funk since.<P>that letter I posted was just one of the many he used to give me. I look at those and ask myself how could he possibly change his mind so abruptly. He says when he quit drinking it made him realize what was going on and he had to make some changes. Moving out was one of them.<P>Every person that we know has been in complete shock, they are like no way he loves you so much we have always been envious of how he treated you. So most of our friends feel as I do that he has just lost his mind... Most of them don't see how I can be so understanding and want to wait for him. They feel that he is never going to change and it is best for me to move on...<P>I cannot bring myself to do that.<BR>

Almost everyone that isn't familiar with the concepts on MB, or the general particulars of an affair, can't understand why we want our spouces back. You aren't alone there. Thank goodness we have a group of people that understand on here. It helps us know that we are not crazy for wanting to save our marriages. You do what is right for you, not for everyone else.<P>Our spouses have essentially lost their minds, but usually they find them. That is part of their problem, they don't know who they are, what they really want, where they are going, etc. Your average outsider just takes it for what it is "now", and doesn't realize that most people in this "fog" come out. I suppose some marriages never get the chance to recover because the BS just assumes it is over if they find someone else. Luckily we have knowledge that puts it in perspective.<P>I hope that you get out of the funk that you've been in since Thanksgiving. Are you Plan Aing in whatever ways you can? Are you doing things for YOU? Making yourself better in whatever ways you can? Make sure that you look in control and stable. He'll notice. He didn't write those letters for no reason. All you can do is your best.<P>How old are your kids, and how are they doing?

Yes I am plan Aing it. I actually went to my counselor on a Tuesday and told her that I wanted to try and make it work. She advised that I begin to allow myself to love my husband. She said drop the anger and let him know you love and care for him. I sent him a plant and a card on Thursday. Friday I found this site. I read for 7 hours and oce I got done I realized that my counselor had the right idea and MB just gave me the knowledge to do this.<P>I am trying to do things for myself. I ordered a bunch of books I need to read they help me to understand better and I find it very theraputic. I am also going to start attending alanon meetings.<BR> I do work however I have not been very focuesd lately my boss is wonderful he is also going through a divorce and he has totally been great in this. It is slow now due to the holidays so I have not spent a lot of time in the office. Hopefully it will pick up after the Holidays.<P>I have made the desicion to let my house go. I have way too much debt and H does not help. It is also to painful to stay here. I cannot sell it for what I owe and it is causing me more stress then it is worth.<P>My kids are 12 and 10. My daughter(12) is a very strong child she is of course the oldest and we have a very open relationshiip.She understands what he is doing and is ok with it. My son is having more difficulty though. The OW is not making it any easier for him, He feels that she is why his dad is gone and does not spend time with him. My kids know the OW she was a frind of ours and his boss so they had been around her and feel very betrayed.<BR>I actually spoke to her after I found out and she calims she is uncomfortable with the fact he is married. I gave her a whole new prospective on things and she of course does not care so whatever. She is 26 was in a bad relationship with a guy for 8 years, he cheated on her and she also was an alcoholic, I wish the 2 of them luck they have such a strong foundation for a good relationship...lol<P>Thanks for asking<BR>looks like we are the only 2 her right now.