I feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. Maybe it has to do with what my WS did last Christmas or knowing that he was fine when he thought I was taking the boys & returning to the states after the holidays.<P> I just have this sense of impending doom hanging over me. I wanted to go somewhere during the boys 3 wk break even if only for a few days, but H wasn't interested there were all these excuses, there are issues (never explained except he wasn't sure if he had leave, he did have 5 days off in a row), it is like he didn't want to build any more really good memories.<P>I am sure most of this has to do with what happened last Christmas. WS was not living in our home but in apt less than a mile away (he was at the house most every day), but during Christmas wkend he stayed at the house. I was all for it. We didn't do anything with friends during Christmas, most other yrs we would go home after Christmas till NY'S. Back to last Christmas Day, we were up early, had our usual very large breakfast, presents, everything, after our late afternoon meal, when both of our sons were occupied with video games, the H decides he has somewhere to go. I couldn't believe he was doing this; I almost told him not to come back but managed to keep my mouth shut. He is gone for couple hrs before OS, even noticed he was gone, wanted to know where DAD was, tried to blow him off, but as he was 15, he figured OW, I wouldn't confirm. Later when YS had had enough video games we go out to look at lights, in our old home, the whole neighborhood lights up, & there was house that had had court orders against turning everything on, so last yr like most of our neighbors we went to see if they did Christmas, they had. IT is really cute, (especially ST. NICH checking his list, flashing on the video screen naughty or nice when cars or people go by.) When we get home H is back, it he couldn't have been gone more than 4 or 5 hrs, & the OW lived at least 45 minutes from us, so he didn't give her & her family much of his time but it really hurt. I gave him my wedding ring back that night (which he lost)<P>I know this is why I can't get the Christmas feeling. There is no way he well see her tomorrow, she is a world away, but I know I will be watching for him to slip off to call or whatever. I just wanted good memories for our sons & I am so afraid I am going to blow it.<P>None this most likely makes sense. I have just been venting to get it out.<P>I pray that each of us can grab what we can during the next few days; Create some good memories; remember some also. That if you have children that nothing robs them of the magic of the season, may we all get through the next wk or so with no more hurts being added on. God Bless. Prayers being said for each & every one of you. In the words of Tiny Tim God Bless us everyone.<BR>

Hang in there Sing!!! I need to get ready to go to church (alone - yuck), but wanted to let you know that I replied to your reply to my posting last night.

Well, think I have all ready blown all of my good intentions. I was crying my eyes out putting the rest of Santa out, after H has gone to bed. Think I have already heard his phone ring, wonder who that could be? My OS caught me crying, he pulls me in his room, wanted to know what is the matter, told him I was just homesick, he goes promise, says I couldn't go to sleep because I heard you crying. Think he bought it; my in laws had called shortly before.<P> God give me the strength to get through tomorrow, may it not hurt too much that it is so obvious that my H doesn't care for me. May my sons not realized that their Dad doesn't really want to be here or he wants them all somewhere else away from me. May I not say any hurtful or spiteful things, may only words of love & harmony across my lips.

Sing,<P>I just want to say that I know you are warm hearted person. I know this from your posts. You always pray for other posters and encourage them even if you can't give them some advice.<BR>You have 2 great kids... I guess older one knows what is going on. He cares for you deeply.<BR>It's very hard to live with someone who's in a fog and don't believe he wants to be with you. I'm sorry for that. But there are 2 other persons who need you and care about you. so please focus on them and yourself.<P>On Christmas Day I'm spending alone.. since my family lives in a different country and we were never close. My in-laws of course didn't invite me for their party(and I didn't like going there anyway). So I know I will have a peaceful Christmas.<P>I hope you do too, sing.<P>Meg<p>[This message has been edited by MF (edited December 24, 2000).]