For the 1st time in 15 years, my H and I are spending Christmas apart (see my post below "Feeling So Ashamed") and I can't fault him for not wanting to be with me. I've spent the last 3 days crying my eyes out b/c I've hurt him so much.<P>How I wish he would call, but I know he won't. I've thought about calling him, but anything I say at this point will not be believed. I don't know what to do . . . I want him to know how much I love him and want him to come home.<P>I understand and respect his need for time away from me to sort things out, but am truly worried b/c of the way he ran to his family to tell them what I'd done and even to play the tape of the phone conversations (he had the phone tapped) for them. His mother never wanted him to marry me, and he's spending an entire week with her - I'm sure she's telling him every day to get rid of me, that she was right in the first place. If he needed time to think, wouldn't it have been better to think on his own . . . or am I way off base?<P>I'm terrified that if there was even the smallest possibility of reconciliation, it's ruined now b/c he'd never be able to go back to his family and tell them he wanted to work on his marriage. I'm afraid that by sharing all the gory details with them, there will be no hope of us working it out.<P>Does anyone have any advice? <P><BR>

Susie,<P>Sit back and catch your breath...<P>Definatly get and read and learn the books mentioned!!<P>Also get and read, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A> by Dr. Willard Harley. This is my favorite one, it goes into great detail on how to <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>.<P>When you do talk to your H try and be as honest and open as you can, without committing <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>. Remember...he is the one that determines what a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Buster</A> is...<P>If you're a praying person...Give this to God and ask for the strength you need...He will provide...<P>Also...Get counseling!! Steve Harley and his sister Jennifer Chalmers(sp?) are the experts...<P>Come here often<BR>...read...read...read...Post...Post...<BR>post...reply...reply...reply<P>We're here for you if you want our help! <P>Bill<P>------------------<P><BR>May the roads rise to meet you,<BR>May the winds always be at your back,<BR>May the sun shine warm upon your face,<BR>The rains fall soft upon your fields,<BR>And until we meet again,<BR>May god hold you<BR>In the hollow of his hand.<P>[This message has been edited by WilliamJ (edited December 25, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by WilliamJ (edited December 25, 2000).]

Dear Susie<BR> Please do not take all the blame for the A, your H was not meeting all your emotional needs. He had some part in your having an affair. <BR> <BR> I don't know if you believe in God, but God can heal all hurts and change your husband's heart towards you "Even if his family knows all the gory details."<P> Bless you on this Christmas. We are a family here in MB, we care about you and are here to support you. <P> Love and prayers, Beth<BR>

Susie, <BR>I know you are sorry for your mistakes. I hope your H will figure out that telling his family the details and playing the victim will not help you get back together. He made a big mistake by doing that. I'll bet he didn't own up to his faults that contributed to your problems. If he can see he is at fault there, he will need you to forgive this.<BR>Send him a card or note, nothing overly long. Just write and rewrite till you have a few lines that say what you want him to know, without LBing. Acknowledge his hurt, and let him know you want to make it up to him if he will let you.<BR>I commend you, for being the one to try making up, usually it is the BS that has to get things going. <BR>May you feel the blessings of Christmas at this time of need. Seek out family and friends, help others at this time, you will feel better about YOU then.<BR>God's love to you. .D.<p>[This message has been edited by Daniel (edited December 25, 2000).]

As already stated, sit back and take a deep breath. These things are rarely decided quickly. One spouse may wake up one day and make a decision, but realistically, much time is needed before someone really knows their feelings with regard to the future. Your H is in the typical just found out phase, where he will not be receptive to your thoughts and desire for doing anything to make it work.<P>You really need to try your best to stop thinking it is over because of this. Instead, concentrate on no LBs, Plan A, fill ENs as best you can, even though it really can't start until he comes back. Use the time to reflect and look at what you can do to be the best wife there is.<P>I know this is a terrible time for you. My wife moved out 2 months ago, we told our kids a month ago or so, she has an OM, although she won't admit it. They have had a wonderful love affair, and probably still do. Needless to say, it makes me sick. But I think that you are currently having a worse time than I am, because I've had 6 months to process the fact that my wife doesn't want our marriage and has someone else. It is all so fresh for you, and happening around the holidays makes it even worse. My heart goes out to you...I wish it could get better quickly.<P>Was your affair emotional, not physical? In any event, you are not a bad person, and you recognize what you now want. Many of us would give anything to have our spouses realize just what you did.<P>There are many people who don't have such a smooth relationship with the inlaws. Don't think that this will automatically end it for you. I know that my family is not impressed with my wife, but they'll support what I decide.<P>Look after yourself and hang in there. You aren't alone.<P>

Susie,<BR>I posted to you over on your Prayer Requests thread.<P>Lou