H told me a month ago of an ongoing PA he had while he was attending a school for his job (he's military). The PA lasted a month and a half. When he came home he asked for a divorce, at first saying that noone was involved. I caught him two weeks later though talking to her in the middle of the night. We had a long discussion about it afterwards. He confessed that he has been speaking to her about every other day since he got back. A week after that he called to tell her that he wasn't going to call her again. He has been true to his word, but has told me he still feels a need to call her. OW took care of that I just found out by calling him at work. H wasn't going to tell me because our agreement was for him to tell me when HE was going to call her.<P>We are in counseling together. Trying to follow the steps outlined on the MB website. We've also just ordered Give & Take. I know that this is going to be a long process--our restoring our M. <P>I believe that there is still hope.H teeters between W and C. One minute he wants to see the possiblity of happiness with me, but is extremely scared of nothing changing or it getting worse. And the next he wants out to see the possiblity of a future with OW.<P>The strain his very hard on me right now. Trying to provide a nice holiday for our children and not to let them know about any of this. I know that our 2 oldest children know that there is strain in the relationship but they don't know of the OW or their father asking for a D.<P>So should I call the OW to please let her know that her calling is not helping him make up his mind? She is just confusing the situation further. He is doesn't want to tell her not to call him because what if things don't work out between us, but he also doesn't want to string her along he says. Help!!

You've come to the right place to get some support and useful information for your situation. <P>Have you read the basic Harley concepts published on the site? The two books most useful for your situation are "Surviving an Affair", and "His Needs, Her Needs". It's the absolute best money you'll ever spend, they're at many local book stores (including chains like Borders, Barnes and Nobles) and you can order them from this site. <P>That will give you a start on what the concepts are about and how to proceed. For immediate help, if you can afford it, some phone counseling with the Harley's would be a great idea- after all, you've got a lot invested in your marriage already. <P>It sounds like you're sort of doing a PLAN A already, but you will benefit greatly from a more complete understanding- and I'd have to write a book on this post to give you all the info you need. There are some introductory posts by NSR that are helpful- but the easiest way to start is to review the info on this site- I'm sure it will help. <P>Good luck, and best wishes for the Holidays.<P>-Jon

My EXACT same story!!!<P>Do better than I did, Hon. I was tired of his anger towards me, his back-and-forth between me and her emotion-wise, the entire betrayal. I was his wife--I felt I deserved much more than what he gave me. So I left, and of course, we could not talk much after that except for a few angry and expensive phonecalls.<P> My husband is stationed overseas. I left and he had to give up command sponsorship, the apartment, everything. For this reason, I pretty much figure that it's over for us.<P>Do what you can; this place is a good place to share your heartache and pain and to get some good advise; stick with it, no matter what happens.<P>Mary<P>

Welcome <B>2wv</B>...<P>Thanks Jon...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://pages.ivillage.com/mb_nsr/MB_GW.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>OK... about contacting the OW...<BR><B>DON'T</B>!<P>It will not help you in the least...<BR>...and if any thing... makes things much worse between you and your H.<P>Your contacting the OW... wil galvanize their relationship... no matter how weak.<P>Do start on Plan A...<BR>Check out my post... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>...<BR>...and ask for as much help as you need!<P> <P>Jim

Hi Jim NSR,<P>How interesting that you recommend not contacting OW because <P>"It will not help you in the least...<BR>...and if any thing... makes things much worse between you and your H.<P>Your contacting the OW... wil galvanize their relationship... no matter how weak."<P>I always respect your opinion, and I wish to ask for explanation on your reasoning. Because contacting my H's OW's H is something I am contemplating in order to ask him straight out what HIS perception or feelings are about this BestFriendship. We have never talked about it, I only have it from my H what his opinion and feelings have been. And my reasoning is also, that when a scientist or a detective is on the trail of the truth, they don't just take the word of someone else, they do their own testing and checking. <P>Please elaborate. I respect your judgment and experience and value your opinion.<P>BTW, I'm still on the fence about where our marriage is likely to end up, and less optimistic about success. I'm beginning to feel like a dried out husk of a dead insect inside.<P>Thanks. Bellevue<P>

Hi Bellevue,<P>I've been on the boards for 15 months...<BR>...and from experience of literally dozens of people(Faithful Spouse's posts)...<BR>...it has (maybe in one case) worked out... to confront/contact the OP.<P>An affair... no matter how weakened... can be rekindled by have the WS and OP have a reason to "reunite"...<BR>...to respark something special...<BR>...to have the <B>challenge</B> of "us" against the "world"...<P>...it is such a "romantic" idea!<P>Science, logic, and reasoning have <B>nothing</B> to do with "finding the truth"...<P>...in a rekindled relationship... "truth doesn't count!"<P>...it's part of that "fog"!<P>One the absolute worst aspects of the contacting the OP... is the expectaton that <B>they</B>(the OP) will tell you the truth!!!!<P>...<B>IT ISN'T GOING TO HAPPEN</B>!<P>The OP has no reason, whatsoever, to tell you anything that you can assume is the truth...<P>...you're asking for truth from the person least likely to give it to you!<P>------------------------------------------<P>Optimistic, or not....<BR>Stick with Plan A... until your Love Bank balance is too low!<P> <P>Jim

I have to agree I was one of those who called the OW. Did me no good we talked for 3 hours. She even said she would back off where my kids were concerned and did not. Thye will say whatever you want to hear. I know My H is aware of the call and they talked about it. Did not one bit of good he was not mad but I know it was a LB...<P>The OW is someone whom I know And I was very honest with her. I told her I still Love my husband and asked why it was that she felt she needed to get involved with him after he had just stopped drinking and had just left his wife and kids. She had no reply really except that she was uncomfortable with the fact he is married. Well good luck to her I know my husband better then anyone and I know that everything that is going on in his head right now is fiction. He is on a ride at Disneyland right now and when he and she get off it is gonna be brutal.<P>Even my children say that their dad is not the same person he has taken up different interset and acts differently around them. They think he isa being fake. Funny how kids can be so right.<P>I advise not doing it. I felt good afterwards but you have to realize the OW are in a fog also they are the 2nd half of the relationship and are going through the same emotions as our WS.. <P>OW asked me what I wanted her to do... DUH??? Leave my H alone so he can work out his problems and stop running from them. I told her all she is right now is pacification for him because he cannot do this on his own. Heis using her to fill his voids from alcohol and family withdrawl... She will find out sooner or later. The hard part is that the longer it goes on the more attached they become..<P>Oh well their 2 mos together is nothing like 13 years. When the fog lifts and I hope it does my H will know who is there for him.<P>Diana

Thanks, everyone, for the words of encouragement.<P>I'm not going to contact OW. I realize that will be a big LB. I've invested 19 years w/H for it to be all thrown away. Please pray for me to have patience.

I agree with Jim. I also contacted the OW with no positive results. She lied to me also. She was extremely arrogant and rude and acted like I was nuts to even suggest there may have been something other than a "friendship" between her and my H. It gave them something else to talk about, plan and plot against, with a "united we stand" stance.

Just a line to say reading the above posts has stopped me ringing the OM my wife is involved with.<P>I've thought of doing this since I found out 1 month ago - even so far as to typr a text message on my phone o him (he's someone we both know). Fortunately I didn't sen it, and have now decided not to contact him.<P>If she leaves me for him, i might feel different.<P>To 2WV - your story is similar to mine, i think this fog is very real - everyone involved in these affair situations is in one - my thoughts are that time should be taken by everyone concerned to think about what they are doing & why, and make no hasty decisions. i intend to be open & honest with my W while going for Plan a, even if she is not. That way, if what I want to happen doesn't -I've been true to myself.

Dear NSR:<P>"An affair... no matter how weakened... can be rekindled by have the WS and OP have a reason to "reunite"...<BR>...to respark something special...<BR>...to have the <B>challenge</B> of "us" against the "world"...<P>...it is such a "romantic" idea!"<P>Jim, thank you. Though I wasn't intending to contact the OW, I think it may have a close enough effect to what you're talking about.<P>"Science, logic, and reasoning have <B>nothing</B> to do with "finding the truth"...<P>...in a rekindled relationship... "truth doesn't count!""<P>...it's part of that "fog"!<P>One the absolute worst aspects of the contacting the OP... is the expectaton that <B>they</B>(the OP) will tell you the truth!!!!<P>...<B>IT ISN'T GOING TO HAPPEN</B>!<P>The OP has no reason, whatsoever, to tell you anything that you can assume is the truth...<P>...you're asking for truth from the person least likely to give it to you!<P>Jim, all of the above is likely to happen if I contact OWH. He very well may see his wife as a victim, an innocent, being denied a friendship that has only made her happy (and spared him the need for being home to help with his kids birthday parties and help with written homework). <P>This is the hell of an EA. Nobody believes it is happening, or that it is an infidelity, because it isn't overtly sexual.<P>Thanks for your input. I'm back waiting, on the fence. And I hope you are doing well, and healing, after all the mess your WS put you and the kids through. I'm grateful you're here.<P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

Dear Goochy:<P>Was it a PA or an EA or both?<P>"Even my children say that their dad is not the same person he has taken up different interset and acts differently around them. They think he isa being fake. Funny how kids can be so right." <P>They aren't as easily deceived as adults.<P>You seem to understand more than he does. that the OW is filling the void left by the alcohol. Pretty astute.<P>Take care, Diana and thanks for your comments.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

Contacting the OW was also a big mistake I made on my part: <BR>When I first discovered the affair (I found out by my H telling me he was leaving to be with the OW) I called the hotel room he was staying at, she answered the phone and I started trying to talk to her. She was very cruel to me, telling me that H told her he loves her and not me etc. Then she said very cold like "I'll send him home to you just as soon as I am done with him". Later she told my H that I called her a lousy mother for leaving her two sons with her H.<BR>This caused conflict for me and my H.<P>I called her again after affair had ended and wondered about the part she played in it. She told me that she knew (work place gossip) that my H had many affairs and that he would cheat on me again (I don't believe this to be true as no one else he works with ever confirmed this). She also blamed everything on him telling me that he said he was single all along (they why Hotel rooms I asked why not his apartment?).<P>She left my H and returned to her marriage in one week but continued to sneak around and sleep with my husband for three months behind her husband's back (we stayed separated). She tried to tell me that she was not back to save her marriage but sleeping on the couch and babysitting her children. (Yeah right?)<P>Anyway if they are willing to cheat with married men and cheat on their own spouses what do you want from them - the truth? They have nothing to gain from telling you the truth. <P>You concentrate on you and your H and things will work out. Become the person he can talk too, don't apply pressure to him, be empathatic of the horrible situation he is in (got himself in) and he will remember the wonderful times you two had. Upset her and he will feel bad for the pain he is causing her and take sides. <P>My biggest regret is ever letting her know she bothered me, I would love to look back now (2 years) and think that she believed I never gave her a second thought.<P>Good luck<BR>

Don't even give her the satisfaction of knowing that you're thinking about her--let alone, threated by her.<P>Stand by your man. Work on being the best you. Play the game. Work it. If you're up to the challenge, do what you need to do to reclaim your H--charm him, love him, remind him of how it can be. And never lose sight of why you're doing this--YOU'RE DOING THIS TO KEEP YOUR FAMILY TOGETHER! YOU'RE DOING THIS BECAUSE YOU BELIEVE IN "I DO!"! YOU'RE DOING THIS TO GET WHAT YOU WANT. IMHO, Plan A is all about fighting for a second chance to make your marriage THE BEST FOR THE ENTIRE FAMILY. So, do what YOU need to do for you and your kids!<P>BUT, whatever you do, DON'T CONTACT OW. In the end, regardless of the outcome, you'll be HOLDING YOUR HEAD HIGH...and IF NOTHING ELSE, YOU'LL BE PROUD OF YOU!<P>Peace and Good Luck! ~Marie<P>---------------<BR>"Never give up. Never, never give up. Never, never, never give up." ~Winston Churchill