I have been reading some of the post over at DB.. I feel that the techniques there are a little different then here.<BR>Anyone have any comments on this?<P>Over there it seems they agree with the no contact matter... No I love you's, No cards, Letters... Nothing.<P>Diana

Some of the principles are the same, and although I'm more familiar with MB, I did read Divorce Busting. It would seem that at MB you do more of a phase of Plan A, whereby you give them something to remember when you go to Plan B.

Hi Goochy<P>I am much more familiar with the DB principles. DBing is basically plan A. The Last Resort Technique is plan B.<P>The key is to work on making changes to yourself. Make your spouse notice you. Find out what works thru trial and error and do it. If it doesn't work stop doing it.<P>The wa usually doesn't want to hear the I love you. Due to guilt or whatever and can push them away. Let them knwo that you do love them by your actions. Love them from a distance, w/o pursuing or smothering. Give them their space. Be a friend to them.<P>You know your spouse better than anyone else. If cards and letters work than do it. <P>"The Letter" as referred to on this bb is left for The Last Resort. ONLY after very very careful consideration.<P>PS I was separated for 18 months, we were married for 23 years. My separation was pure hell. He didn't love me, had an affair and wanted a D. We reconciled in Sept. So <A HREF="http://www.divorcebusting.com" TARGET=_blank>www.divorcebusting.com</A> does work.

Wowo I am so happy for you.. I have to say I was in shock when H left. We had our issues but he was still so loving actually seemed very needy. When he became sober it all changed.<P>I am working on reading Love Must Be Tough and I just got Surviving An Affair..<P>I need to read a lot right now. I have to come up with a plan. I have so much info. Some confusion because there are so many different techniques..<P>Thanks for the response..<BR>It is good to hear of such success. I am hoping and praying that H is in a fog and will come around...<P><BR>Diana

I read D Busting and lurked at their site some...<P>The biggest thing I got out of these is the 180 technique...<P>This was a good means to avoid <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>, and keep myself in a proper perspective...<P>Steve Harley and I talked about the differences between "The Harley" techniques and Michele Wiener-Davis's. In all actuality they are pretty similar...<P>Kinda like different explanations on the same ideal...<P>How to change yourself...And become a better spouce...<P>Bill

Please, please, <BR>how did you succeeddeed to reconcile after such a long separation. Did your H lived with OW?<BR>I wonder because we are separated for 9 months (eternity to me), me and YD (11) in a new apartment for 6 months and he moved OW into his house 4 months ago, and they live with our OD (18). We were married 18 years+3 before. he never filed for divorce but according our laws he has to do that till May 2001.or to reconcile. For now I see no signs that he is sorry for what he did, and all I want in my life is to have him and the whole family back, I am ready to forgive he knows that but he seems so satisfied with OW so I think I had no chances at all. We are 42 and she is 32 she is nice, pretty, funny and I am MD, PhD, working all day and night about kids, three floor house (no more now) and they live now without obligations -18 yr girl has no much needs, but 11 yr has. She takes YD every weekend but OW always interrupts when they are talking...<BR>Can you help me with advice how did you succede? What was your strategy. I communicate by e-mail with dr Harley in person and he believes My H will come back, but I started to loose hope-motre details are on my post to Leilana iIN recovery Forum and in earlieer GQ II.<BR>Can you help? <BR>Your story encourages me but I need some details, where am I doing so wrong? How to avoid LBs.<BR>How can he see changes in me when we hardly see each other, only when it is necessary. I am the one who avoid him because I become very upset evry time because i expect something changed in his mind- and that never happened . the only hope is he won't fil for divorce til now.<BR>Thank you<BR>You can also e-mail: dara@medri.hr

Goochy,<BR>I also read & used DB along with MB...and Love Must Be Tough, which I thought could correspond with Plan B. I didn't find them conflicting, but one may help you in following through with another--just a different way to think through your situation. I stayed in Plan A 18 months, probably too long, but reading additional books, including other Harley books during that time was a reminder of how to Plan A and not lovebust.<P>If you are used to lovebusting, it takes will and determination to change that pattern, just as it does for any bad habits. You might have days of backsliding into LB, but you pick yourself back up and renew your determination to do better.<P>I actually found Plan A a little easier when my H wasn't living at home because I knew I could hold together for a couple hours...while when he was in the home the evenings loomed like minefields.<P>And now, our lives are much more normal. We don't walk on eggshells, but we're still careful about how we say things to each other.<P>Since books don't seem to be a problem for you, I'd recommend a couple more:<P>HOPE FOR THE SEPARATED by Chapman<BR>HOW TO GET YOUR LOVER BACK by Harris<BR>YOUR HUSBAND'S MIDLIFE CRISIS by Conway, Sally<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Whatever is true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, gracious...think about these things." Phil 4:8