My wife was really nasty leading up to Xmas morning. She was here Xmas eve, but left to go home. But her dryer had broke the day before, so she called and said "I'm staying .... uh ... here tonight". When she says staying "here", she isn't wanting to say where it is. She then said, "my friend doesn't have her kids, so they won't wake me up, so I need you to call". Wanted me to call her on cell at 5:30 AM. I'm sure she stayed at OMs place to use his laundry...he is away at parents. I was tempted to call his number instead of her cell, but didn't.<P>She was nasty Xmas morning, because MIL brought all her presents into my place, and wife wanted them at her place later. Later she turned somewhat normal, and we had a pleasant dinner at her place. She gave me a 15 second hug when we were alone in the basement. Earlier, she looked at me with puppy eyes and said Merry Christmas. I could tell she thought about hugging then, but I played it cool and didn't initiate. She said a couple of things that would seem to be good for me. Told me I was seeming very feisty and happy. She also said I seem like I'm getting out more. She used to complain that I worked too much and didn't get out enough. Long story there though, because yes I worked alot (at home at night), but it was always her that was a home body, and all of a sudden she wanted to be going out, and seemed to indicate that it was now a problem that I was used to being at home.<P>Today my wife and MIL, and me and the children all met for breakfast. Wife was supposed to go skiing with a friend, the one remaining from her crew of morons that she hung out with this year. Well, friend cancelled, so my wife was very angry. Guess what, wanted me to go instead. I couldn't go, but would have been a standin anyway, so it is just as well. Although it would have been nice to do something together.<P>MIL and wife came back to my place this afternoon for a few hours. It was kind of like old times, but different. I got tired of it after 2 hours. It is just too strange to be sitting there like old times.<P>I bought a present for my wife, filled her stocking. She said she wasn't buying presents because she has no money. I filled MILs stocking, and my own too just for Santa effect (with kids). Funny, wife didn't buy us anything (me and MIL), but she bought a friend one, and I'm sure OM got one. And, she bought the same friend a trip a few weekends ago for her birthday, which cost about $300. But has no money. No wonder why.<P>Dec 23, my wife called to see if I wanted to go with her to see the lights downtown (she had the kids). For once, I didn't call back, because I need to do the "I'm busy too" thing, and the last time I said yes to something, she was nasty...it was a mistake. She said the next day how unfortunate it was that I didn't go, which I think is good. She needs to know that we won't always be doing things together under this scenario.<P>Anyway, a strange Xmas, but oddly enough my wife wasn't nasty and depressed sounding, like she has been the last 2 weeks or more. Man, she has been mean, snappy, and unhappy. New Years eve, she has a gala of some sort to go to, and I believe is spending money to have her hair done up like you'd do for a wedding. That bugs me, because she complains about having no money, and of course this has to be with OM.

Rick,<P>Not too shabby. At least she's got the wheels turning in her head. <P>Thanks for the coffee break!

Rick<P>Hang in there, it seems like there is a little interest from her at getting together with you. You perhaps should have gone skiing as the more contact and good times you can have with her the better.<P>The mood swings are normal (that's if anything is normal in an affair). They do tend to get less severe as time goes on however. <P>My W was really swinging from angry to depressed and happy in the first 4 - 6 weeks of the affair. Now things have tempered to living a peacefull co-existence with her.<P>Take care<BR>Colin

Rick, I can relate to your feelings about those mood swings. I behaved terribly towards my H during the EMA, usually when things weren't going well with MM. My H couldn't figure out what was wrong with me and I couldn't tell him.<P>I hope your W comes to her senses - it sounds as if you really love her. And I hope she comes to her senses before it's too late . . . I think it may be too late for me.

Yo Rick - on my third cup, they're all the same. See my update earlier.<P>Sounds like not much change for you. But you are getting more emotion out of her than I'm getting from my wife. She's pleasant, but cold and distant. I feel like I should be her brother.<P>Dave (WAT)

Rick37 -<P>Hey, you may not think it's too much, but I, too, think the wheels are turning in her head. I think it's kind of funny that she asked you to go skiing after a friend canceled. Hey, at least she asked you! before, she probably wouldn't have said anything - maybe wouldn't have even told you that the friend canceled.<P>I agree that you need to continue to Plan A, but modified. . .I think you need to give her the impression that you won't always be there when she needs you. Sure, it's nice to do things as a family, but if she wants a divorce - that's not what you'll be. She needs to see some threads of that. <P>I think you are handling things very well. I, too, hope your wife comes to her senses, soon - before it's too late.

Thanks for the replies everyone. I hope that the wheels are turning, but I'm settled in for the long haul, realistically.<P>I couldn't go skiing when she asked because of a shoulder problem that I'm awaiting surgery on. She knows that, but was suggesting that I go anyway. If I fell once, I would probably dislocate it again because it comes out easily now. Nevertheless, she was urging me to go, saying "why would I fall?".<P>Called me at midnight last night, because there was a man outside her place with a hockey stick. She was scared. Guess OM was away <P>I definitely agree that she needs to see a sign that I won't always be there. That combined with changes that she sees as positive and appealing. I'm looking forward to the end of the holidays, when life can return to normal (the new normal). Just to get on with the hybrid A/B.<P>

Rick - how do we show them that sign if they never need us? My wife doesn't ask me to do anything except related to our son's needs. The only way I can figure is to start dating - and I know the diverse opinions about that on this forum. I'll be tempted if the opportunity presents itself.<P>Dave

WAT,<P>I know the temptation of dating. I run the other way thus far. That can't go on forever. The only thing I can come up with other than that is to think of any little things that we know our WSs wish we were, and act upon it. Also, of course the standard "act busy, happy, outgoing, fun" etc. I suppose it is hard to show them you might not be there if they don't seem to need anything. That is where the image they have of us might be more important, because that in itself sends a message that you aren't sitting at home fretting. They know that if we are "out there", there is the chance that they will be too late. I sometimes fear that being too happy lets them feel better about leaving us, but emotions are weird, and it is all too common for someone to call a relationship quits, only to want it back when the other seems to have gone on to a happy life.<P>I have a hard time with it all too. But I think any little thing helps. I know that the illusion that I'm suddenly starting a new "fun" life would get my wife's attention, if anything would. We all have different past marriage problems, so all I can say is dig down deep to find things you can change, even a little.<P>You just never know when your wife will notice something, and it has to coincide with the grass not being greener on that other side. No guarantees of course, all we can do is try. But you know all that anyway.<P>

Dear Rick,<P>It sounds like things are going along as well as can be expected. I was struck by your comment that you wonder if acting happy yourself makes WS feel better about what they are doing. I have that same concern sometimes. I go back to the first book I read after d-day, "Love Must Be Tough", by James Dobson. He explains that many WS feel like they are trapped in a marriage and guilt etc just makes them feel like they need to get out of it all the more. His answer is to open the cage door and let them out. <P>As I write this, I am thinking I may have shared this with you before, but in case not, Dobson makes the point that a WS doesn't want to come back and love someone that they only pity and fell guilty about. <P>I am trying to gain back enough self confidence to do more of this. I admire some of the steps you have taken and will let them inspire me. I am trying to keep in mind in my situation that it is the times that I have drawn back a little to save myself from drowning that H seems to have come my way. I have determined that I am too easily caught! I'll have to run faster!<P>I don't have to tell you to hang in there, it is clear that you will.

worthatry, I didn't want to set home alone feeling sorry for myself. I decided to get out and do things I wanted to do, movies, visit family,and also do errands while kids were away so didn't have to take time from kids to get them done. I was usually gone when she called and she would ask me where I was. I was able to tell her the truth. I wasn't cheating on her I was just busy, after all I'm a married man, I never cheated, and will not. that makes me proud of myself. If I started dating she would feel she has every reason to go through with divorce, and make me pay.