and it's the 1st birthday in 15 years that we're apart - it hurts as much as this Christmas did.<P>All I can think of is how much pain he's in and it makes me feel sick inside, knowing I'm the cause of it. I wish I could take on all that pain to give him some relief from what he's feeling.<P>I left a message on his cell phone yesterday (he's still at his mother's) and will leave another one today, but I don't expect to hear from him. I'm sure he doesn't want to speak to me.<P>In the note he left me on Friday, he said he still loves me but doesn't know if he can live with what I've done, and I can understand that. But now I'm beginning to worry that b/c I haven't heard from him that maybe he DOESN'T love me anymore - or someone has convinced him that he's better off without me (the EMA wasn't our only problem). I'm terrified that when he comes home Saturday he'll tell me it's over.<P>Any thoughts??<P>BTW, I want to thank everyone on this board for their encouragement and support - I'm lucky to have found all of you.<BR>

Susie - it's a reasonable assumption that others have tried to convince him that he'd be better off with out you. This is common for "supporters" who don't understand that affairs can be recovered from and result in better relationships. It's a bigger leap that he doesn't love you any more - if he didn't, his pain would not be so great.<P>You need to evaluate your other problems to see how they fit into the whole mix. Consider a counseling session with the Harleys. This will help you sort things out and develop a plan.<P>Leave him alone for the most part, but keep leaving those messages that you're remorseful and you want to start over, fixing all of the problems. Represent this as an opportunity, a wake up call, to take one step backward in order to take two steps forward.<P>Keep us posted. Good luck.<P>WAT

Thanks, WAT. I have an appt. with a marriage counselor this afternoon. I thought I'd go alone, b/c I don't know if my H will consider going with me when he returns.<P>Any ideas on what I should do/say when he comes home Saturday night? I'm scared to death.

Susie - that's a tough one. Hopefully you'll get more replies than just mine. But I'd be ready to listen to what ever he feels like saying. Just listen. Of course don't argue. Be contrite, but in control. When it's your turn to talk - if you get a turn on the first day - be remorseful and take responsibility for the affair. Take responsibility for your portion of the pre-existing marriage problems also and validate his complaints and feelings. I think you realize you have to lay yourself open and set the stage for complete honesty. He won't trust a word you say at first - validate him on this.<P>Above all, don't be in a hurry. Get a copy of His Needs/Her Needs and Surviving an Affair. Read and understand and come ask questions here.<P>Is your appointment with the Harleys? If not, consider trying to get one with them as a second opinion.<P>Good luck.<P>WAT

Susie,<P>You got good advice from WAT, but I just wanted to add that you should not be so convinced that it is over. I noticed in a few of your posts that you think you might not get another chance. Look at all us spouses that know full well that our WSs are currently involved with someone, and we want them back.<P>Your H may arrive home and tell you it is over....who knows. But he'll be fresh off the trip to family. You might have to give it some time. Just don't conclude that it is over, regardless of what happens upon his return. Do like WAT said, be calm, honest. If you feel like getting angry, sad, etc....just hold off and wait till you have time to think.<P>Come here and vent to us.

Thanks, WAT and Rick. I guess the reason I think it's over is b/c he hasn't called me, but maybe I'm expecting too much too soon.<P>I just don't want my H to rush into a divorce only to find out later he should have given it some time. I don't want to see either of us regretting a hasty decision.<P>I realize that his family's words will be fresh in his mind but I also know that after telling them what happened it would be difficult for him to back-pedal and then tell them that he may want to work it out. He may want to save face with his family.<P>I guess what I need to do now is to remain calm, but it's not easy.

Susie - divorces don't happen instantly. I believe you'll have lots of time to talk before any final decisions are made. Suffice to say that whichever way this turns, it'll be a long road. <P>I repeat a previous recommendation: get him to browse this site. Maybe even register and post questions to get input from others in his position - like me. I'd give anything if my wife had your remorse.<P>WAT

Susie,<P>Please listen to Worthatry. Please calm down. I know the waiting is driving you crazy, you want to make for everything that has been done right NOW. But you cannot.<P>It will take Time and Patience no matter which side of this you are on. I would like to restate what I posted on one of your earlier threads: Please sit down and see if you can understand why you had the affair. This is going to be very important for both of you and the sooner you figure it out the better.<P>Why? Well, when your H decides to give your marriage another try, trust is going to be a big issue. How can he trust you not to do this again. Well, one of the ways is to understand how this happened. Then he and you can take "concrete" measures to reduce the chances of you doing this again. Then with the T&P, you will find he has something to pin his trust to and it will grow.<P>It would help if you understand what needs he was not meeting for you. This is not to "share" the blame of the affair, you get that all to yourself. However, you had an affair because at least to you something was wrong with the marriage or you felt it didn't make any difference in your marriage. I don't know.<P>Please take this time to do some reading here and in other places. It will be very hard at first as your H is deeply hurt, he is probably getting support to leave from MIL, and he doesn't have a clue what to do even if he wanted to rebuild the marriage.<P>Nothing new about that. But I will bet if he loved you before, it will be hard for him to leave without at least giving it a bit of a try. If you are prepared you can make a great difference at that point.<P>It is hard to advise you about the details of what to do when he comes back, but rest assured for awhile it won't seem that anything you do is helping. But it will. It is like planting seeds. You plant them and you see nothing going on, but later with care and watering the do begin to show small shoots, and finally a new plant begins to emerge.<P>So plant you seeds with care and then nuture them. You will see the fruits of your labors if you have T&P.<P>God Bless,<P>JL