Things have really gone downhill for us since Thanksgiving. It was that weekend, that I finally accepted that the A had never really ended, and that contact was becoming more frequent again. H was gone on business for the majority of the next three weeks, so discussions about it were very limited.<P>Dec 16, he was finally home from all the traveling, and things have not been good at all since. I just can't let it go any more and put up with it. He kept saying that he'd made his decision and was going to break it off for good, but has every excuse as to why the break up can keep being delayed. This weekend was absolutely horrible with the stress of the holidays (some other things going on in each of our families made it extra difficult) and our difficulties added to it all. H and OW traded voice mails on their cell phones constantly throughout the weekend, which is just about the last straw. We argued all the way home (about 4 hours) from where we were for Christmas, and just kept going once we got home. One minute he's leaving because he can't stand it, the next minute he doesn't know, the next minute he's breaking it off with her, and on and on.<P>I never get answers to anything, and I just can't stand it any more. I need to know where I stand so I can move on with my life---with or without him.<P>Am I nearing time for Plan B? He says that if he leaves, he'll never be back, and I do believe him.<P>Oh, one other thing. He says that he'll try to take the kids away from me because I'm an unfit mother. I'm a stay at home mom, he works 12 hours a day and would move to the city (we're in the suburbs)---could that really happen? He says that I'm an unfit mother because I'm on drugs---only Paxil because I would be a basket case without it right now? Would taking an anti d cause anything like that to happen? I don't think so, but I guess it worries me a little.....<P>Guess one more notch on my rope is gone, and there's not many left.....<P>What do I do?????

As for going to Plan B it may be time since he has not stopped contact w/her. Have you counseled w/Harley?<P>As for taking the kids away from you that will not happen. It is extremely rare for a woman to lose custody of her children. Though you don't want a divorce, you should consult an attorney so you can at least know what to expect. It will ease your mind about financial/custody issues. You can also check out <A HREF="http://www.divorcenet.com" TARGET=_blank>www.divorcenet.com</A> for general info about divorce/custody in your state.<p>[This message has been edited by KalGrl (edited December 27, 2000).]

They always say you'll know when it is time for Plan B. How long have you been Plan Aing. Continuing Plan A depends on whether you can do it properly despite the A. If you argue alot and can't help it, then maybe B is better. Plan A for as long as you can is usually the rule.<P>It is extremely unlikely that he'll take your kids away from you. Especially where you are a stay at home mother. Check with an attorney on whether taking the anti d drug has any impact, but I can't imagine that it would. Just cover yourself by checking with an attorney on the entire custody issue. But logically, how would get custody working 12 hours a day, with you as a stay at home mom. He'll have to support you to continue staying at home with the kids, I would think.<P>I hope things get better.<P>

I was in the same boat with stbx saying he would take the kids because I was mentally unstable being on Paxil and what not. It was because of him I was on it and he knew it. I went to see a psychiatrist and he told me that it would be a form of discrimination to award custody to him because I was on an anti 'd. I checked with my lawyer too. My advice would be to talk with a lawyer and your doctor about it.

Thanks for the replies! Things have simmered down a bit today. Still the back and forth contradicting stuff, though. One email said that he just doesn't know how he can commit to staying if he doesn't see me change, the next email invites me to go to London with him while he's on business in late Feb. ARGGHH, just wish I knew what he was really thinking! Thanks to all for reassuring me on the issue with the kids. I know logically it doesn't sound like he would ever get them, but who knows what he would pull if he was desperate! (Doesn't help that OW father is a lawyer)<P>KalGirl---I've counseled with Steve H once. He wants to talk to H next to get his perspective on things and H is dragging his feet. He didn't mention going to plan B at this point, but I guess it may be coming soon if things don't change.<P>Rick (Plan A King!)--If things continue the way that they are for much longer, I think Plan B is going to have to begin. If he chooses to move out, I think that would probably be the time. I can't take having an A go on under my nose much longer....<P>Dj2----I don't know your story, but it sounds a bit similar. I am sorry for how your situation has turned out thus far! It makes me feel better to know that it would be discrimination to award custody based on being on an anti d. Especially when his actions pushed me to needing it!!<P>Thanks again everyone!

hurting,<P>I can't really give much advice as I didn't face this. I totally agree that you have nothing to worry about with the kids - he's just trying to hang on...<P>I read a good reply from Lostva on another thread and thought about your question so I will link it for you:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/001739-2.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/001739-2.html</A> <P>I'm sorry to hear your holidays have been painful...<P>cindy

Thanks for the advice and info Sweetpea. If it gets to that stage, I'll definately get a temporary custody agreement ready. Hopefully it won't......<P>Hi Schizzo!! Glad to see you back again. I was starting to wonder about you! Thanks for the link. It really gave me something to think about! How's everything going for you these days? How were the holidays for you?<P>Thanks again!

Thanks for asking.<P>It has been a year since he ended the affair, and I am dealing with "normal" issues again. It feels good. I had a great time at Disney with the kids (he could only be there a day at each end). His mom stayed with me. She's sweet, but more trouble than the kids and walks slower...Anyway we WALKED everywhere, including her and my 3 yr old, no strollers or wheelchairs. I thought my feet were going to come off after circling the EPCOT lake with them!<P>We spent Christmas eve with just the 4 of us. We usually go to his sister's and watch a bunch of people get drunk - last year he made me crazy as he danced a long time with a young girl (OW was very young) and didn't want to leave early even though we had a hotel room waiting for just the two of us!<P>There is hope! We've come a long way in one year and I've learned to stand up more for myself without LBs. I said he could go to his sister's house, but I wanted to spend a quiet evening with Christmas carols with the kids. He wanted it too!<P>I also turned down an invitation to drive my family 500 miles to my father's. Not only has he not been there for me in all this, but that relationship has added a lot of pain to my life. I'm currently in a kind of plan B with him, moving to permanent no contact. I never thought it would be so hard to let go. I keep thinking he'll suddenly wake up and be a father to me (despite the fact he hasn't been in 39 years).<P>Probably more than you asked, but hope you feel a bit encouraged.

I'm really happy for you Schizzo! What a change from a year ago, that gives me such hope and encouragement!<P>Sounds like you had a good time at Disney! Where did you stay? When we went at the end of Oct, it was probably the best week we've had through all of this. I would love to go back and just escape reality!<P>I hope everything works out with your father--it sounds like there is a lot of pain in that relationship. Sure doesn't make it any easier to deal with all of the other things, does it?<P>Take Care!