Please let me start by apologizing. I'm sorry that I haven't responded to anyone's posts. I don't feel that I have any good advice to give right now. <P>I admire many of the BS's here. Plan A'ing is so very hard and I only wish I felt 1/2 the strength and positive-ness that you show. For the WS's, I believe I have some understanding of how hard getting over an A can be, the many stages of it. It is this understanding, I think, that keeps me from completely hating my H.<P>Here's why I'm confused. H has been home now for about 3 weeks. He had an A with a co-worker and in this time, he has told me that he misses her sometimes. He refuses to quit his job, change shifts, or even stop talking to her even knowing that it makes it that much harder for me to begin trusting him. He's told me that the A is over and that he would tell me of any contact that they had but later tells me that he doesn't know if he'll tell me or not. <P>I found a pic of her D in our truck. He swears that all they did was talk about how he's happy at home and she needs to let him be. Supposedly, they've had this conversation twice before. <P>His pay goes into our account as direct deposit. This last time, when we got his pay stub, he only had 9.5 hrs of OT. He should've had 12+ but couldn't account for the missing time and wasn't concerned about it. <P>He worked this past Sat for OT. Before leaving he said that I didn't need to worry myself because she wouldn't be working. He works 6p-4:30a. Just after midnite, he calls just to see how I'm doing and to say he loves me. This is the first time he's done this and it's on a nite she's supposedly not working. <P>Sunday I search our truck, the first time I've really done this. In the console I found a little gift box with gold hoops. H has been wanting to get them for himself. They were in plain site. The console has 2 little shelves that I recently learned about. Hidden in the back of one, I found a key in a film canister. H is an avid hunter and uses the canisters for scents. <P>I asked H when he got the hoops. He says he bought them the day he went x-mas shopping at the mall. He says he bought them at one of the little jewelry islands. This was last Thurs. I can almost guarantee the hoops haven't been there since that day. I told him that the box said Wal-mart. This puzzles him. Later he says, "you think she bought them for me?" He says she didn't even know he wanted them. Later still, he says he put them in the console because he thought maybe I'd buy him some for x-mas and he didn't want to spoil it. <P>When I asked him about the key, I had to explain to him twice that I was talking about the key hidden in the film canister. He appears to be trying to remember what key it is I'm talking about and then says, "oh, that's her house key. I forgot to give it back to her." I told him that I figured it was hers and that I took it. He says that I need to give it back to him so he can return it to her. I told him that she has the original so if she needs more she can have copies made. He can't believe I've gone thru his things in the truck. He says, " you were never like this before." DUH!!! <P>Sunday night was the family x-mas party. Everyone was there. He looked so uncomfortable the entire time and pretty much kept to himself. My heart ached to see him like that.<P>X-mas day was pretty good. It was as if this had never happened. I had resolved not to bring any of it up and to push it to the back of my mind. <P>It's been about a week now since I last asked him if he's talked with OW. I know he has but he hasn't volunteered anything. He had said once that we each need to deal with this on our own before we can deal with it together. We have a counseling session scheduled for later today, my second. His first if he goes. <P>I'm sorry I've rambled. I just don't know what to think about all the inconsistencies. How do I believe his explanations when I feel he's lying to me? When he's not willing to break contact with her? Please give me some advice, your opinions and thoughts. I'm willing to work hard to save our marriage but I don't want to believe that I'm doing that if he's making a fool of me by still seeing her. He hasn't had much opportunity to see her other than at work but I don't know what time he gets out every morning. That is when they would see each other mostly. It's also when he talked to her the last time about being happy at home. Ok, enough. I'll stop here. Thanks for letting me vent and for any help.<P>JustMe

Just my opinion from my experience....the inconsistencies are likely not inconsistencies. They are things you've uncovered that he is lying about. I get all the same stories, forgot this, can't remember that, didn't see that, bla bla bla.<P>Forgive me but I don't know all the background here. Do you have kids?<P>You are in the common situation of being told what they need to tell you. As for working on your marriage while he is still seeing her, many of us are doing that. We just Plan A and do our best as you know.<P>It would be nice if you could get him to do counselling with Steve Harley. Something to make him understand the addictive power of the A, and to know that marriages can be restored. Is he familiar with MB, SAA, HNHN?<P>Even if he goes to counselling and is home, those are good signs. Things don't fix themselves quickly, unfortunately.<P>Hang in there.

Thank you Rick for giving me your take on this. Unfortunately, I also feel that he is lying about the things I've found out. <P>We had our first counseling session today and it went much better than I anticipated. He isn't much of a talker but he didn't just sit there quietly either. <P>On the way to a car wash, he asked what I was thinking. I told him that I was wondering if he was going to open up to me, that I still didn't know where I and especially OW, stood with him. We got to the car wash. He kissed me and said, "Put it this way. You're at the top of a 12 step ladder and she's at the bottom." I probably should've just accepted that but I asked what the bottom step meant. He said it meant she had been a part of him and now she isn't. <P>He also told me today that he might be switching teams at work. If he does, he'll only be working with OW 1 night a week. He asked if that would make me feel better. Up to this point, he's steadfastly refused any change at work but now a few positions are opening up and changes are going to be made. Whether or not he switches teams depends on who gets what position. <P>We have two children. Our S is 4, D is 3. I want to believe that the A is over but it's difficult. I do believe that at the very least, emotionally he hasn't let her go. <P>I know that many of you are plan A'ing even as your spouses are obviously still involved in the A. I highly commend you for your strength. Right now I hang on to my doubts as just that...doubts. If the A is still continuing, I don't really want proof because I don't think I could continue in this marriage if that were the case. <P>I've told H about this site and that I'd like for him to see it. He has agreed to but hasn't done so as yet. Maybe I'll bring it up to him again as he might be a bit more receptive to it now. <P>I'm trying my best to hang in there. Thanks again. God Bless!<P>Just Me

I can certainly sympathize with your situation. My Ws works with the OM also. She is adamant about not leaving her job. Steve Harley has her taking stairs or whatever to avoid any contact. Last I heard he is looking for another job and hopefully leave in January. She has only seen him once in the last month and that was to tell him it was over... I wish you the best.. Crick

Thanks Crick,<BR>It's been very hard for me that he hasn't been willing to leave his job. I know it must be for you too. I'm glad that OM might be leaving soon. That your wife is willing to avoid OM and has only seen him once is a very positive sign.<P>My H wasn't even willing to do that until last night. He called me from work and told me that the counseling session had opened his eyes a bit more and that he was doing everything to avoid being around her. I really hope so as I have no way of finding out for sure. I'm going to believe that he's finally "waking up" and continue with Plan A. <P>Best of luck to you. I'm not familiar with your story but I do hope that all turns out as you want it. God Bless!!!<P>Just Me <BR>

Justme -<P>Hi, I'm a WS, and when I read your post, I wasn't really sure I should post a reply, but here it goes. Please keep in mind that this is from my perspective - based on my experience as a WS.<P>When I was in the midst of the affair - that is when I recoiled from family at family functions. I couldn't stand the guilt - knowing that what I was doing was wrong - I was pretty reclusive (around family anyway)during the affair. The affair began just before Thanksgiving last year and lasted until April. So, I had two major holidays to deal with while I was involved in the A. Again, I remember this as a time that I supported my H in everything he did, attended family functions, told him that I loved him, etc. . .He never even knew I was having an affair until I told him.<P>For me, the key in the car, well, maybe he just forgot to give it back to her, or maybe he was holding on to it for some reason, I don't know. He could be telling the truth, but when I came clean with my H - I told him everything - no secrets, no more lies. The first thing I did was sent the no contact letter. I think if I had a key to the OM's house, I would have either given it back immediately or I would have thrown it in a river or something.<P>When I genuinely told my H that I was sorry and that I wanted to try and work things out - I told him everything. I was completely honest - answered all of his questions (and there weren't many) honestly. The thing that I hated about the affair was all of the secrets and lies - I just couldn't keep them straight, I was tired of trying to keep the secrets and remembering excuses. . .and my H didn't know anything was going on!!<P>I firmly believe in no contact. I think that is the one thing that has helped me get through this, but the OM in my situation was not a co-worker - so no contact was relatively easy to do. I mean the chances of me running into the OM - even by accident - were next to none. And, I think that made things easier for me - withdrawl, recovery, etc. . .<P>I think the thing that your H needs to understand is that even if he's telling the truth, he needs to reassure you - that he is not keeping secrets from you. Complete honesty, open communication - those are some of the things that have helped my H and I get through this - but the WS has to feel comfortable sharing his/her thoughts with the BS. The one thing my H did that was truly amazing was that he somehow created an environment where I could talk to him about anything - what I was feeling, what I was thinking. And I know that this had to have eaten him alive - to know that I was hurting because of not talking to OM. But, he was a pillar of strength and encouragement.<P>Your H has been back for three weeks, so give this some time. I hope the counseling helps, but right now your greatest need is for honesty, right? I think you just need to make that know to your H, but you can also try to create an environment where he feels comfortable in telling you the truth. The hard part is being able to accept that "honesty," in order to get through this. It's tough, I'm sure.<P>The thing about the 12-step ladder, well, in my opinion, the OW shouldn't have even been on the ladder - if you know what I mean. I may have said something like that to my H, but I don't think so. I think - for whatever reason, your H still feels some kind of attachment to the OW - whether it just be a "friends" type of thing or whatever.<P>Just for the record, as a WS, my best excuses for being late in rank order - working overtime, stopping by the mall, and going out with some friends from work for happy hour. On average, I would spend at most two hours with the OM on any given day -I would squeeze it in wherever I could. I'd go Christmas shopping for 15 minutes - running around trying to find gifts so that I could spend the other hour and a half with the OM - it was really pitiful. You'll find that WSs can really master the art of telling lies. I came up with some doosies.<P>I'm not saying that your H isn't telling the truth, but you need to stress to him the importance of honesty in your relationship. <BR>My best advice: continue with the counseling and just hang in there. If your H is like me, he's bound to make some mistakes along the way. But, you can get through this and build a stronger marriage. You have to believe that and so does he.