Since I don't know what frame of mind my H will be in when he comes home Saturday, I thought I'd write him a letter and leave it for him to read - instead of trying to talk to him and possibly making him angrier than he already is.<P>The only risk I see in doing this is that he may tear it up without reading it.<P>Any thoughts?<BR>

Susie, my first reaction is that a letter is impersonal and somewhat removes you from facing him and his emotions. I think you need to look him in the eyes and take whatever he wants to dish out at first. Your posture and demeanor should display your remorse and vulnerability. This is what I would want from my wife. Anything that communicates humbleness. Don't talk to him at length until he talks to you. This will indicate his frame of mind and guide you on what you should say. Remember, validate, validate, validate! Maybe your first words should be, "I'm ready to hear what you have to say." Then zip your lip.<P>WAT

I think you're right, WAT. The reason I was considering a letter is b/c I don't think he's going to speak to me.<P>I have no idea if he plans to keep replaying the tape while he's on the plane. He made a comment to me before he left that everytime he began to soften he'd listen to the tape again so he'd stay angry.

You know he's gonna be angry on his way home - that's why I keep saying validate, validate, validate. But when you appear humble, defenseless and ready to take what's coming to you, he'll see the face of the woman he loves and he may not be angry then. But it'll come out sooner or later and more than once. You have a lot of work to do, but I think you realize this.<P>I hope you get other replies - I'm just telling you what I would want to see if I were him.<P>WAT

Susie,<P>I think WAT is right on the mark. It's best if you are there when he gets home. Yes, he may be angry, but the sooner you face him the sooner you can move on to the next step.<P>What helped me was that my wife did not run away or leave when I was upset. She stayed. She listened to me. She conveyed her regret - I could see it in her eyes. She didn't try to justify or make excuses. She just did what WAT suggested - she validated, validated, validated. She let me do most of the talking at first, but she was also willing to answer truthfully any questions I had.<P>The most important thing you can be doing right now is being with him as much as possible. I know it can be extremely difficult, but I think that this is what helps in getting to recovery.<P>Also, I hope you did what was suggested earlier by getting the books that were mentioned. They helped us a lot.<P>Hope this helps.<P>-HD<P>

Thanks, WAT and HD. Yes I did order the books - they should be here in another day or so.<P>I want to be with my H as much as possible, but I'll only be able to accomplish that if he stays home and is willing to talk.<P>Last week, before he left, he came home only to change his clothes and went right out again - he didn't want to be near me (not that I blame him). I'm fairly sure he plans to spend New Year's Eve at his sister's - NOT with me.<P>I don't mean to get on everyone's nerves here, but I can't stop obsessing about what my MIL has said to him even though I have no control over that. He may be leaving there on Sat. with promises to divorce me ASAP.<P>Do you think I'm crazy?

Susie - no, I think you WERE crazy, but you know that. I think your current fears indicate how much you realize you made a mistake and how much you realize it may cost you.<P>You haven't said anything about children. None?<P>There is no such thing as an instant divorce. I feel confident that you'll get a chance to show your remorse and convince your husband to try over. Why? Because you've been together long enough that he won't just walk away unless your marriage was in serious difficulty before hand.<P>I can't remember if you've talked to the Harleys yet. If not, call and make an appointment - maybe one for you and a separate one for your husband.<P>You can't control what your MIL has said. You can control yourself. Do what we've recommended and count on your relationship's history to represent itself.<P>Search your soul for ways that you may not have satisfied your husband in the past and start working on improving yourself to be able to meet those needs. This is what you'll read in the books, so you might as well get started. Read the articles on this site for other things to consider. <P>WAT

I don't think you're crazy for having these feelings of fear. I rather think that it must be quite normal.<P>I don't know why you think your MIL is going to be so quick to tell her son to divorce you. I don't know what your relationship with her has been like. If you truely feel that way, then there must be some underlying issues regarding your marriage that have never been addressed.<P>Aside from that, all I can say is what I feel and what I have seen from the many posts I have read here - despite the pain inflicted on them, the VAST majority of betrayed spouses are usually willing to go back and try to rebuild their marriages AS LONG AS THE WANDERING SPOUSE IS TRUELY COMMITTED TO DOING THEIR PART IN THE HEALING PROCESS.<P>When you get the books you will learn and understand more of what you need to do on your part to help heal the wounds and the pain.<P>Just hang in there, and don't think that what he says in the next few days will be what he thinks a month from now, etc. You are both on an emotional rollercoaster. Right now, just try to think of what you CAN control, and not the things (i.e. MIL) that you can't.<P>I know it's hard, but just keep trying.<P>-HD

Susie - one more thing. Be TOTALLY honest. Even if the answer to one of his questions could be hurtful to him, be honest. I think it's universal among BSs that we prefer honesty over all else. It hurts more to be lied to than to hear the painful truth. <P>Your biggest challenge will be regaining his trust. To do this you have to start immediately with honesty.<P>WAT

Yes, there were other issues besides the EMA but I guess the marriage would have ended long ago if my H thought he couldn't live with them.<P>My MIL never wanted H to marry me in the first place b/c my SIL (who fixed us up in the 1st place) became very jealous when we became serious and said a lot of things about me to the family. She was in a situation where she would be happier if my H remained single. My MIL has never forgotten the things she said.<P>Also, my H has 2 children from his 1st marriage. His kids had some problems as they were growing up, and it was his family's opinion that the kids wouldn't have had these problems if their father had stayed single and I was out of the picture. My H's exW, BTW, married 1 month after their divorce was final - we waited 4 years.<P>Hope this gives you a bit of insight as to why I'm worrying so much.<P>BTW, I had an appt. yesterday with an excellent marriage counselor in the area and will see her again next week. She'd like my H to come with me, but I don't know if he will.

Susie - are you ready for tomorrow? Let me emphasize that if he's open to it, get him on the computer to this site and show him around to observe the various struggles we're going through.<P>Good Luck<P>WAT

Actually, I'm terrified. I truly believe he'll walk in, unpack his bags and not say a word to me (if he even gets home, we're expecting a snow storm tomorrow).<P>I'm hoping the books come today or tomorrow so I can start reading them. And yes, I'd like him to take a look at this site and possibly register and ask questions - IF he'll even stay home long enough to do that.<P>I have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that I just can't shake.

Understand. We're expecting snow also, so maybe we're close. We're in Maryland, NW of D.C.<P>If he doesn't want to talk, leave him alone. Just tell him you'll be ready when he is.<P>WAT

Susie<P>I have a basic understanding of your situation from what I've read. You 'blew it'<BR>you're sorry, you want a second chance, but hubby seems to still be angry.<P>Something I've learned from my experience is that a person can use unforgiveness as a tool or method of control. By listening to that tape and remaining angry, your husband is in control.<P>I hear your heart Susie, I too at this moment because of my situation have a 'sick feeling in the pit of my stomach' and have had for 3 days. I am trusting God that it is only 'unfounded fears' and an attack of the enemy.<P>I don't know your spiritual state, but let me share some from Psalms. Several places it talks about God being close to those who are of a broken heart and contrite spirit, broken over their sins.<P>This sounds like you. When your husband comes home, you might consider this. Put your thoughts down on paper in letter form and when he comes home and is willing to sit down and talk.......either; tell him up front you'd like to share your heart before he does (and read from your letter), or give him the chance to share first.<P>Don't beat yourself up for whatever you did wrong. When God forgives, He forgets. Unfortunately as His creation, we tend to forgive, but not forget. This is not forgiveness.<P>Once you have displayed and expressed your sorrow over what you did and after you have genuinely asked for his forgiveness and let him know you want healing to come to your relationship/marriage....back off and give him space.<P>By doing this, you put the 'ball in his court'.<P>How can you ever forgive yourself? The only way is for you to accept the Lord's unconditional love and forgiveness for yourself. <P>If you have a Bible, may I suggest you read out loud and make it a spoken prayer, the<BR>51st Psalm. This is King David's prayer after his adulterous affair with Bathsheba.<P>As far as your MIL goes, I can understand your concern about her influence on hubby, but you have to believe he is stronger than to allow his mother to call the shots.<P>Keep us posted!<P>[censored] from Texas<p>[This message has been edited by [censored] (edited December 29, 2000).]