I am curious how you know when Plan A actually ends.... I ask this for a reason. I am currently plan A'ing(as well as I can). My Ws has not only responded but has taken counseling from the Harley's, told the Ws it's over and is wanting to begin moving in. The problem I have with this is it seems I've done so well at meeting her needs that she thinks this is great. Problem is we haven't even addressed my needs or Lb's yet. I actually have huge doubts whether she would even consider all this if she actually had to put any effort in. Eventually it will get to the point when I have to address these issues and am basically waiting for the Harley's to work on this with me. I'm actually hesitant to let her back in the house yet without addressing these issues. I also am still working on my Legal seperation to give me custody of the kids and plan on doing this even though things seem to be going in the right directions. My big concern with letting her move back in is the kids are getting used to her being around more now and I don't want to put them through her leaving again. I brought this up once but she said if I don't let her back in she'll file for divorce and force me to sell the house. I know this is a selfish demand and came at a time when she was in the fog... Actually as far as I'm concerned she's still somewhat in the fog. Sooooo just when does plan A end and recovery begin? Is this when she agrees to work on En's and the Farleys plan for recovering a marriage? Sorry if this seems like rambling but I have trouble putting thoughts into words.. If anyone can understand what I'm asking and has a reply I'd appreciate it... Crick

Dear Crick<P>I think you are right to be cautious about letting her move back in. I know that my situation is probably somewhat different, but I let my H come back too soon (he said he was committing to dropping divorce, dropping OW and ending lease, but he hadn't yet done those things.) I have always referred to those steps as sinking the lifeboat so then the WS has every reason to bail water and shore up the sinking ship (marriage). When he started having some doubts or withdrawal or whatever, it was easy to escape because the lifeboat was still waiting.<P>During our several brief periods of reconciliation attempts, I too struggled with when it would be my turn to talk about my needs and hurts. My H had read SAA so he understood that those steps would be necessary, but I think meeting my needs looked like a lot of work to him. <P>My advice (again feel free to disregard) would be to make sure no contact is in place and that you have a plan for recovery worked out, including how your needs will be met, before she moves back in. Have you both completed the EN questionnaire and shared it? That could help you both to start focusing on your needs. <P>I wish I had been more cautious. The crash of my last rollercoaster ride with H hurt alot and was very confusing for the kids!<P>Good luck. Overall, it sounds like things are going in a great direction for you.

crick - never.

Exhausted,<P> So far Steve Harley has had her fill out the EN questionaire and Lb sheet. I think his plan right now is to concentrate on her. And that is fine with me... For now. But what if(i hate that phrase) this works wonderful(which so far it has) and she does see the light and want to come back. My greatest fear is she likes what she's getting but doesn't want to have to give. This is the her I remember from the past few years. I do know that in the past few weeks I've come to peace with what has happened and come to peace with myself. I know no matter what happens from here on I'm fine. I'm happier now then I have been in years. She already has been staying at our house many nights during the week. We have fun but so far it's been all me... I suppose Steve Harley will know when the time is right to address my needs... I think we both Knew what each other's needs were we just lost touch. It's easy to do once kids come into play. You spend less time on each other and take out stresses on those closest to you. Next thing you know you both quit meeting each other's needs and Lb all the time. I'll say this much if I come away with nothing else I will come away a whole lot smarter... Hope all works out for you..<P>Wat,<P> Can you clarify on never? I understand my role is to meet her needs and avoid Lbing but can you honestly say this has to happen even if the other person doesn't do the same? My understanding(take it as you may) of Plan A is to meet all EN's and avoid Lb'ing no matter what... So just when do you throw in the towel? I guess that's up to each individual. I guess I kind of answered my own question then... You never quit plan A'ing... But you may just quit... Guess that goes with the saying of treat others as you would be treated eh? Just because they don't doesn't mean you don't... If I missed your point please clarify. Crick

crick - sorry my answer was so cryptic and I really didn't get to your real question of how to integrate her back into the family unit. I think you got my point that at least certain elements of plan A should never end. Let's face it, if we were meeting ENs the way we were supposed to be, there would never have been an affair and no Plan A - at least it wouldn't have a name, except for meeting ENs and constantly being open minded about improving ourselves and avoiding love busters.<P>I guess I see Plan A as a journey, not a destination.<P>So, when does she cross that thin line out of the fog and back into the family - and you can expect some "give" from her? This was your real question that I failed you on. My guess would be that it's a gradual transition for her to start meeting your ENs and I agree that some production ought to be happening before she moves back in - this is my plan if I ever have the opportunity. I think Exhausted's advice was right on - make sure no contact is in place and have a plan worked out via the Harleys.<P>I identify with your analysis of what went wrong when the kids came along - this is what happened to us, which brings me back around to never ending Plan A. If we hadn't become child centered, we would have been more inclined to meet each other's ENs and eliminate LBs - basically Plan A. The circle of life?<P>Dave (WAT)

Basically, Plan A is the one-sided version of the MB plan. It "never ends" in that you keep doing your side of it, but the one-sidedness does end. Soon, he will have her start working on meeting yiur ENs...he is probably waiting for the right moment to ask for her commitment to doing that...I'm no expert, but I think the right moment is generally after the wayward spouse has given up the OP and gotten thru the worst of withdrawal, and is able to make some move towards recommitment.<P>Hang in there--<P>Kathi