8 months after d-day of my H's a year long A, 6 months after no contact. We're moving and starting a new life, I got a new user name, I want to start all over, I want to have a good start.<P>I need to get over 2 things I've been trying to forgive. Or I thought maybe if I write it out, I can feel better.<P>I forgave that he loved her. I forgave that he slept with her. I forgave that he lied to me. I forgave all of that. But these 2 things...<P>That he brought our older son to her house, to have her cut his hair. Fortunatelly my son was too shy to even get close to her. I know that my H said just wanted to give our son a hair cut, nothing else. I feel very very mad and even feel violent when I think of her touching my son.<P>That he watched the movie "Double Jeopardy" and fantasized him and her living together, raising OUR children, and me being in jail. THAT IS AWFUL! I know, it is THE MOVIE's plot so evil, which is nothing but a hollywood garbage, but why he had to mentioned the movie and explain the story to ME while I had no idea what was going on. Maybe it was his guilt feeling made him bring it up, but I just can't chase the evilness away from my mind. That he dreamed about being the Devil even for a second.<P>I decided to love him, I decided to forgive him, I decided to trust him, I decided to have my life with him. How can I get over these two stupid things so that they don't come back and haunt me...

itrust -<P>I know how tought this whole thing has been on you. You never deserved any of this at all, and I admire your capacity to forgive your H and to try and make a fresh start.<P>I know how upsetting it must be - to know that the OW touched your son, that your H fantasized about living with the OW and raising your child. I think it is only human to feel hurt.<P>The only thing I guess I can say, and I don't know if it will help or not, but I often talk about the affair as being like an addiction to alcohol or to drugs. When you're drinking or using drugs - or having an affair - you do a lot of stupid things without thinking about the consequences of your actions or how they affect other people. A drunk shows up at a wedding drunk, making lewd comments and passing out in the cake. A person having an affair takes his son to have his haircut by the OW. Neither one of those things are smart - and had your H been thinking about how much it would hurt you, now, he would have never done it. But that's the thing about affairs - they're very selfish things. You only think about yourself - what makes you happy, what makes you feel good. So, what you wind up doing is a bunch of stupid things you later regret. Like an alcoholic who has gotten sober and remained sober - he may never even believe that he/she did some of the things he did while he was drunk. Their thinking is clouded by selfish, lustful thoughts.<P>The thoughts your H had about being with the OW while you were in jail - well, that was just a fantasy during your H's clouded thinking. They were hurtful thoughts to you, but at least he never acted on those thoughts. All of us are tempted to do wrong, there's no getting around it. Your H gave into the temptation to have an affair. Now he's sorry that he did that. And he's probably sorry that he even thought about raising your son with this OW.<P>I am a WS, too, so let me tell you that those kind of thoughts are all just a part of this fantasy world that we create in our heads. While I never, ever wanted to cause my H harm, I often thought about how the OM and I would run off together after my H was either killed in an accident or died from some awful disease. Horrible, horrible thoughts, I know so please don't judge me. But, you know, when I really began to picture life without my H - I actually broke down and cried. I forced myself to imagine that he WAS dead and how would I feel. Those thoughts - about how much I would miss he and how much I depend on him and how much I love him - were the things that brought me out of the fog, and tore me away from my selfish desires. I truly did not want to lose my H - probably as much as your H did not want to see you in jail.<P>The thoughts are evil - no doubt about it. But he did not act on those thoughts - it was all apart of this drunken stupor that he was in. If you can forgive your H for having the affair - for giving in to his lustful thoughts and temptations, maybe you can eventually forgive him for these other things, too. <P>Please know that I am in no way justifying his actions at all - they too, were stupid mistakes. But I believe that even someone who is doing everything wrong - who continues to do one bad thing after another, or say the wrong thing time and time again - can suddenly do the right thing. Your H is really trying to do the right thing, he's trying to regain your trust by being honest about his thoughts and feelings - he may not be doing such a hot job right now, but he is trying to show you that he loves you, that he wants to be with you, that he wants to build a stronger marriage with you. Your H would not be moving with you or even trying to start fresh - if he didn't love you and want to be with you. If you can, try to focus on that. The other stuff - well, it's just junk, junk that he did when he was "drunk."<P>You've already shown that you have an amazing capacity to forgive - don't let these two things bring you down. Focus on your ultimate goal - building a stronger marriage. Focus on the positive things that your H is doing to make things right.<P>Maybe that helps, I don't know. I think it's okay to feel angry and hurt, but don't let that ruin the kind of person you are - the kind, compassionate, forgiving soul that you are.

itrust,<P>SKM has given some wonderful advice. My h also said and did and thought some very hurtful things. We choose to forgive, but they have their work cut out for them to show us that is not who they are now. My h has shown me that over the past year and it has helped me let go.<P>I think you are right that each separate hurtful thing must be addressed and forgiven, it's not just a blanket thing.

SKM and schizzo,<BR>I meant to write again sooner but didn't have a chance... to say thank you.<P>It was so nice to feel being understood. I guess those thoughts were stuck like a little needle in my heart, but it's kind of dissolving away as time goes by. Patience, patience... My H has been good to me lately and it helps me a lot too.<P>I know my H loves me, and I know the A was an addiction, thank you for reminding me. Somehow I have to be told the same thing over and over... <P>Oh, I was not a forgiving person, I'd like to be, though. That's what I always pray for, please fill my heart with Your love so that I can love more. The whole thing taught me a lot, and there are lots more to learn, aren't there...? I have a long way to go.<P>Thanks again for your help, it meant a lot to me...