Hi folks<P>Today has not been good. I went to our home this afternoon to collect some clothes. H is way. <P>I was very sad - h. had spent Christmas there with son and son's girlfriend. It was all so familiar (of course) and peaceful. I didnt need to snoop to see the new CDs - my favourite composer - but I dont believe for one moment that they were a "reminder" of me - I think they were a present from OW - and another couple of presents which had not been mentioned when he told me what he had received for Christmas from his sons. <P>And then I did snoop - problem is that I was just believing that OW is out of the picture and coming to terms with what he told me ie. that "too much had been done and said" for us to ever recover. It was somehow easier for me to believe that he was playing out the "mortified martyr" as he was very remorseful and tearful when he left six weeks ago (snooping told me he had bought a CD set the w/end hemoved out; it was not for me and certainly not for him! - it was a Beatles album!! - and somehow that slightly amuses me) - and I was coming to terms with "OK - he cannot deal with all the pain and hurt he has caused; he cares for me but his upbringing, military training - whatever - will not allow him to accept his own part in all of this - and he canno0t bring himself to do the hard work of recovery" - he has asked that we "talk" at the end of January and I was preparing myself for the "I cannot come back but I want to be friends" speech - and I had hoped that, in the long term - we might be friends; we have been close and caring friends for a long long time. But now I find pretty clear evidence that OW is still on the scene.<P>I wish now that I had truly gone to Plan B - but for reasons I have "rationalised" in other posts I am now in a hybrid B/A situation. H is currentnly away at a coporate sports event - he does not spend the time that I do in solitude (not necessarily lonely) - with time to read and reflect - he is on the go all the time. It seems inexplicable that he has not seen OW for about 10 days to my certain knowledge - he could be with her but he is not - and yet he keeps the contact going; and, at the same time he is in contact with me and gives me lovely Chrismas presents - ?????<P>I guess I intend to keep on going in PlanB/Plan A hybrid until end of January - al the contact is from him but it has diminished - it has been two years since D day and I feel a few weeks longer will not matter so long as I keep getting stronger. <P>Right now I feel as though I wish it was the end of January - I have this fantasy of just telling him to (@#$% off" - I have had enough of feeling compassionate; yet I know that our problem is goes beyond our relationship - it has a lot to do with his upbringing and life experiences - he has never had the capacity to look inwardly and reflect on his actions; and sadly, I can see the same in his sons.<P>I intend to wallow in self pity for a bit right nowe but tomorrow i will make sure the sun shines even if it is raining.<P>R

Just wanted you to know that someone was thinking about you. For me the not knowing is worse than the truth, I can take anything as long as I know the whole story.