I am the WS. I had 2 A's in the past two years, and my H found out. I did not tell him. Since the discovery, 4 months ago, it has been one bad day after another.<P>I have been lurking on this sight for a long time, and have read lots of good stuff. We are trying to work through this. Although it is a long hard process. I must say that I have dropped all contact with the OM's, and have done other things in order to rebuild some level of trust, and my H and I are in counseling.<P>I am having a great deal of trouble with accepting what I have done. My H is really trying, (even though I sometimes say he's not). I just want things to go back to the way they were. I feel so badly, about the lies and the deceit, and I get so caught up in my depression, that I don't see the good things since D-day.<P>I just want to fast forward 1 year from now, to see where we are. I do get encouraged by seeing other couples working it out, but, when I see the pain my H is going through, I just feel so hopeless. I know that I have serious issues. <P>I also have a hard time expressing myself to him. I feel so much guilt and shame that I think that I don't deseve him. I love him so much and my shortcomings have prevented me from being the type of spouse I wanted to be. I see that now. I only hope and pray that it isn't too late.<P>I realize that this is all a process and he has to go through his pain in his time, and I have to go through mine in my time. I was so caught thinking that once he forgives me, then everything will be ok, however, I forgot that I too have to forgive myself. Which I hope I can do, but sometimes it seems so foreign to me.<P>I'm just looking for support, and trying to work through this the best that I can.<P>PJ<P>

PJ, I really feel for you. I'm going through the exact same thing you are.<P>My H just found out last Wed. about my EMA (which was going on for 6 months, see my post on the next page "Feeling So Ashamed") and the guilt and shame I feel are overwhelming.<P>I can't forgive myself either - I can totally relate to how you feel. I'm sure you now wonder how you could have done this, how could you betray your H's trust, etc., b/c these things haunt me every day.<P>You're fortunate in one respect, however. You and your H are trying to rebuild. My H left 2 days after D-day to spend a week at his mother's and he hasn't contacted me once (not that I blame him). He's scheduled to return tomorrow and I don't know what to expect.<P>I started counseling on my own the other day and suggest you and your H do the same - no one can work through it without help. I can only hope that my H will agree to go with me when he returns.<P>Keep posting here, too. I've only been here a week and have gained many insights and have also gotten some good advice from people in the same situation.

Plain:<P>I was the WS in my own marriage. Several month internet EA followed by a one-time PA. Told my W immediately after the PA, which was in June. We've been in "recovery" probably since August or so.<P>When I read your post, I almost laughed to myself (grimly) because it sounded so much like something I would have said a few months ago. I remember telling someone that I wanted it to be six months from then right away, so that I could know things could be a little better for us. My W wanted me to "undo" what I'd done, so that things could go back to the way they were.<P>I guess all I can say, Plain, is that the way things were between you and your H led to your As in the first place, yes? Something was going on in your marriage, or in your life, that wasn't quite right, that wasn't making you happy. Why would you want to go back to that? Granted, of course, you might want to get back the innocence and trust and "purity" of the marriage that you had, but let's face it, that was gone as soon as you had your first A, yes?<P>It can be hard to accept, but your "old" marriage is finished. What's left between you and your H is something you'll have to construct, often painfully, one day at a time. It's like going back to the dating stage -- when you didn't EXACTLY know what the other person was thinking, and weren't PRECISELY sure that you could trust them. It can suck, especially since you moved beyoned that point with your H, but there it is.<P>I can completely understand about having trouble forgiving yourself. I still can't forgive myself for what I did, not in any meaningful sense. There can be moments when I forget it, but they're just moments, and when I remember, the guilt and shame is worse. I cringe when I think of what the other people in my life (family, friends, etc) would think if they knew what I'd done. I'm horrified to see the pain in my W's eyes at times.<P>You just have to keep plugging, Jane. Look, no one's perfect. You (and I) did a bad thing. But that doesn't mean that we're completely bad people, or that we can't be better people than we are. The important things in life(like your personality, your character, your marriage) are works in progress. They're never done. Hopefully, your A and its aftermath has focused your attention on some things. The good part is that now you have a chance here to make a difference in your life, in your character, and in your marriage. You can be BETTER, Jane. <P>Forgiveness from yourself will come in time. For now, be grateful that your husband has graced you with his own forgiveness, and work on being the best person, and partner, that you can be. We're all pulling for you.<P>

Plain Jane:<P>I addressed this very issue in a response to Susie7753's thread about her husband coming home this Saturday.<P>Hope it helps.<P>[censored] from Texas

I was not the WS in my marriage. However, I know that as a human, I am a flawed individual. As are all humans.<P>I decided that I alone could not save my marriage. I could only work on myself. Therefore, since H did not want to do too much work on it as he had already made up his mind, I was forced to work on myself. <P>I have come to feel that working on a marriage is much like working on a car. If you take the car (marriage) to the mechanic (counselor) and all the mechanic has on the shelf is broken parts (people), the car can not be fixed. If, however, the mechanic repairs the parts before attempting to work on the car, repair of the car is possible. This means you have to run diagnostics (find out what is wrong with the car/marriage) before starting to work on the parts. <P>Do you follow this? Basically, it boils down to my having the opinion that you and your spouse need individual counseling as well as joint. <P>And you have to own a mirror - you have to look at yourself and see your weaknesses and flaws before you can work on yourself. Getting down to that dirty work is hard and painful. But the only way you can get to peace again is to see those things and move toward wholeness again. <P>

Plainjane,<BR>My W could have written your post. We are 3 months since I found out about her A. Just the other day we both agreed that we wish it was next year (I don’t remember who brought it up, but we both agreed.) As a BS let me offer you this encouragement. If all contact has been broken and you are working through your withdraw than you should find PRIDE in that. I know that it is not an easy thing to do. My W has days she feels like driving by OM house, calling etc. These feelings just crop up, take pride in the fact that you’re not acting on them. You made a mistake, but you’re fixing it. <P>I know it must be extremely difficult to see the pain in your H. My W faces this also. But understand that it is not intentional, to make you feel guilty. I want nothing more than for my marriage to work, but sometimes the thought of all this just tears me up. When that happens just be there for him, your strength will help him. It certainly does in my experience. <P>One other comment, you mentioned you have to forgive yourself, yes you do, it is sometimes very difficult for the BS to see the WS in pain. That is, if we do not know what it causing it. When you hurt tell your H, and tell him why. Keep working on expressing yourself to him, he needs you to do this as much as you need to be able to. <BR>

I would like to thank everyone who posted. I am so desperate for help, that every little bit helps me get through another minute. <P>Taxman, you said that there are moments when you forget, and I know what you mean. They do happen for me, although very brief. When they do, it's like I get this really excited feeling, like I can't wait to get home and see my husband, thinking of having a nice evening, and then it hits me. We won't be just sitting around, there is going to be tension, and then the guilt, shame, and everything else comes crashing down on me.<BR> <BR>Bleubell, I understand exactly what you are saying. My h and I go jointly, however, we go seperatly as well. Our therapist believes that all the answers and the way to our healing is to fix ourselves. Which I have many, many parts to fix. At first, I wanted a "quick fix", ok, its all over, let's move on, help us get our marriage back on track. Thing was, I was never "on track". I have many flaws that go all the way back. In looking at my past, I can see so much of my present behaviour's and the hows and whys.<P>Oswald, thank you for pointing out the fact that I should find pride in breaking contact. I have been reading this sight and many books, and they all say that breaking all contact is the most important for recovery. The only time I wanted to contact the Om was to basically cuss him out. But, I have moved past that now. In the very beginning, I blamed him, however, I see that I was just as much to blame as he.<BR> <BR>Susie, I do wish you the best. Just keep working on yourself, that is all we can do. It is going to be very hard when he comes home. I have placed expectations on my spouse, and when he didn't act like I thought he should, then I would get angry. Anger is just my way of covering up my guilt and shame. When I put expectations on him, I tend to do some serious LBing. I really want to work on that.<P>[censored], I have never been a religious person, but I believe with all my heart that god has made these A's come to light. God does for me what I cannot do for myself. I was on a path that was horrible. I try to look at this as god protecting me from something even more worse that I could have done. One thing I do know, is that I am going to purchase a bible within the next couple days. I have read so much uplifting scripture in various posts, that I beleive it is something I need to do. I was always kind of spirtually bankrupt. <P>On another note, I was sitting here tonight, and we are getting ready for a major snowstorm. Our kids are both away for the weekend, and in that split second, that I forgot, I thought how nice it will be this weekend just the two of us. But, I am going to turn a new leaf. Instead of focusing on the negative, I will focus on the positive. I will have a nice day. I will practice some spiritual priniples no matter what. If I want my marriage to work, I have to show him that I am willing to change. <P>Thanks all for listening.<BR>PJ