Boy have I got a question for you guys...my friend, married 13 years is filing for divorce. She has had multiple one night stands the whole life of her M and now is seeing someone she met on the internet. Her new interest is divorced at least once, was dating a married woman who D her H and moved in with him, but it didn't work so she went back to her husband. My friend is so very happy...he is treating her like a queen, spending loads of money on her and her daughter...yes meeting her needs, giving her all the things she never had in her marriage.<BR>I don't happen to think that she gave her H a chance. She got this idea of what life should be and cut him out. All he wants is to be there with his W and daughter and be a good H and father...but that is all a moot point now.<P>So she calls me with this wonderful news and I am afraid that I dampened her enthusiasm. Oh yes her last affair lasted a couple of years with a MM she worked with...I threw a monkey wrench into that one too when I told her point blank that she did not know what this guy was doing when he was away from her and not to forget the fact that he was married with a family. Long story short...he had separated from his W and was living with yet another woman!<P>My question...what should I tell her? I told her that she really doesn't know this person. That his past record would certainly send up a red flag for me, and why after knowing her for only a short time (weeks) is he spending thousands of dollars on her? It would make me uneasy and I would want to know more before getting too involved with this guy. Plus I told her that she needs to figure out what SHE wants out of life before getting involved with anyone else. And that she had both her and her daughters welfare to consider.<P>So now she is sort of bummed out...but I hope I gave her something to think about. He may be a nice guy, but he could also be a wacko preying on emotionally vulnerable women.<P>What do you think? My next suggestion is for her to see a counselor to try and understand her behavior (multiple one nighters, all with MM etc.) Am I on the right track?<P>

The term "fantasyland" couldn't be more accurate. It's referred to on this board as the "fog".<P>The fog has just lifted for me and I'm glad it did. Anyone in the fog thinks they're in love, that this person is the best thing that ever happened to them, that they'll eventually have a wonderful life together . . . WRONG.<P>I hope your friend will reconsider and give her H a chance. I'd give my life to make amends for the pain I've caused my H.

I think you handled it well - so what if she is bummed out, no one wants to be told they are playing with fire. Even if he is a "nice guy", his track record speaks for itself.<P>If you could get her to sit at the 'puter with you and bring her to this site, it has a way of hooking people.

All I can say is bring her to this site and show her as much as you can. Also, pay for a session with Steve Harley and let her talk to him about all this ridiculous behavior. She is in big time la la land.

Victoria -<P>Another thing - besides the obvious (counseling) - you may want to ask her if her H didn't make her happy, how does she know that this other guy will make her happy?<P>For me, I don't know,I always had this romantic idea of what love should be like - that if you truly loved someone that you would always love them no matter what - that you would always be "in love" with them. But that only happens in the movies. I mean, when reality sets in, when there are bills to pay, jobs to go to, and other everyday hassles - it takes a lot of work to keep a marriage going strong.<P>You may want to float the statistics by her, too. I know you can manipulate statistics, but relationships that are based on lies, deceit (aka, affairs) very rarely make it. She may think this guy is the best thing since sliced bread right now, but those same character traits that have attracted her to him - may become the same traits that push her away and into the arms of yet another man.<P>For me, learning that you are responsible for your own happiness (it comes from within) was a major player in helping me to decide what to do. I really recognized that while the OM was a half-way decent guy (and I know that's subject to speculation) I knew that he had traits that I didn't find particularly appealing. For me, believe it or not, trust was a big issue. I couldn't trust the OM as far as I could throw him - so what made me think that he was "the one."<P>Yeah, I liked being around him, but slowly as I came out of the fog, I realized that he didn't even come close to what I wanted in a husband. For me, I guess, I always wanted to be married - so I made a mental list of those qualities that I would want the "perfect" husband to have. And you know what, my H already possessed those traits. We may have had some problems with communication, sex, what have you, but those things were "fixable." Sometimes, you cannot change a person's character, but you can change their habits. It takes work, but you can have the perfect relationship with your own H.<P>I would definitely recommend counseling to look at her behavior - multiple one-night stands. She may have some self-esteem issues (like I did) and since this guy is lavishing attention and money on her - she's not really seeing his bad traits or bad habits.<P>I guess I just want to say to you, too, that I think you're being a really good friend. I wish I had someone like that that I could have talked to about this - maybe it would have helped. You cannot judge your friend, and you know that, you can only help her to see things from a different perspective - just to make sure that she doesn't have any regrets - or that she is jumping from the frying pan and into the fire. You're a good friend, and I hope she appreciates that. I know I would.<P>