I've posted main story in Just found out - Anyone with a Ws who thinks they love the OP, but still loves the Bs as well?<P>My Ws is still seeing OP, I've started plan A, and am being the best I can, but I'm well scared of what's going on - it's ripping me up.<P>Any tips?<P>Also, it they are any WS's out there who can help me understand how my Ws feels, that would help too.<P>My WS is happy to get some help too, so she would probably welcome notes from other WS's to help her figure out what's going on in her mind.

I'm a WS, and not very proud of it. I thought I was in love with my MM but I really never stopped loving my H . . . however, my love for my H was sidetracked by the EMA and my feelings for the MM.<P>Is your W's OP a MM? If so, she should think twice, b/c he will NOT be there for her if you decide you've had enough.<P>I can tell you that my H and I are going through a living hell right now, while MM goes on with his life as if nothing's happened.<P>Hang in there and keep posting. There are some very wise people here.

Thanks a lot Susie7753, no the OP is single, 35 with no ties. I'm sure my wife still loves me, and am trying to hang on, but it's so tough - I'm sure you know just as much pain.<P>I'll keep posting - she is on her way back from a night with him now, their first away to his home town to meet his friends & family to find out more about him. Now it's out in the open, it seems that they've got carte blanch to do what they want - after all it's my decision to stay here, as I've said i want to work it through. She says she is thinking of leaving me for him, so wants to know more about him. Am I still supposed to be here? Should i still be calm?<P>Best of luck in your situation, I can imagine how hard it is for both of you - tell me, has your H read the site - is he willing to work it through? How are you finding the information helps - and what works well?<P>Lastly, can anyone tell me how to go about finding out past postings for a particular person who has replied? - I feel I'd like to know about the storys of those kind enough to offer supprt.<P><BR>

Hello,<P>To find posts by a particular user, use the "search" function. It gives you the opportunity to specify several different criteria to search by, including user names and date ranges.<P>------------------<BR><B>Tempest</B>, Moderator<BR>Marriage Builders Infidelity Forums:<BR><I>General Questions II, Just Found Out...,<BR>Plan A/Plan B, Pregnancy/Child,<BR>In Recovery</I> and <I>Read-Only Posts</I>

Thanks - will do.

How well does your W know this OP? I think you know that everyone puts their best foot forward when they first meet someone - daily life is something else entirely. Have you thought of counseling? Even if you went alone at this point, it might help.<P>No, my H hasn't seen this site yet. After D-day he flew down to Florida to spend the week at his mother's. He's due home tonight, weather permitting.<P>I'd like him to look at this site, but I don't know if he'll even speak to me.<P>Tell your W to be absolutely sure she knows what she's doing - it sounds to me like she is definitely in "the fog". I was, and became so carried away that I didn't recognize myself anymore. I hope the fog lifts for her before she does something she may later regret.

Hey Suzie,<P>We both knew him well - not well enough methinks!<P>I've asked WS to bear in mind that in his present state he'll say anything to get her permanently, he's even asked her to marry him.<P>She says she thinks he's genuine, but I don't think so. When you see something you want, your eyes glaze over & you'll do anything to get it. He says they're soulmates. He's a natural salesman, and talks an excellent story - we were in business together as it happens - and he can sell sand to the Arabs & Ice to Eskimos.<P>I'm trying to get WS to look at the site, and find other WS's to talk to, and look at how things can work out - to get experiences to help her look at it in perspective - I would urge your H to do the same, it's helped me to look at others posts. Also, the site itself and the Harleys Concepts & beliefs make a lot of sense, and whilst I previously thought our relationship may have been doomed, I now beleive we can work it out.<P>To be honest, I don't know 4 certain if we have a future together, but the site, and my certainty of my love for her has made me want to be sure in my mind b4 making any decisions about the long term. How can you judge whether to divorce or stay if you can't look at what went wrong, and be sensible enough to talk about it? Have you any kids - if so you have to be realistic about what's best for you all - I beleive the stats that say most marriages can survive, given the right approaches & commitment. After all, you fell in love once, why not again?????<P>Please pass on my words to your H - if he's coming home, I would hope he will talk to you - just make sure you are ready with your own plan A - either Spouse can have an A approach - no lovebusters & get those Love Units into his Love bank.<P>I've suggested to my WS that she post her own story & ask for advice or experiences to help her with her emotions - I hope your H will do the same.<P>I hope the weather gets him home 2u soon, give him a big hug when he gets in (well, try to), and tell him you're pleased he's there. And NO LOVEBUSTING, even if he's angry - let him get out what he wants to say.<P>I'd be happy to talk to him via the site if he puts my username in the Topic. That's the wonder of the internet - two sides of the Atlantic, one click away! Try to be happy, I am, to show our other halves that we can be the right one to be with. <P>I hope it works out 4u both.<P>[This message has been edited by McBroon (edited December 30, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by McBroon (edited December 31, 2000).]

My circumstances are somewhat similar. My H had an affair with the person I thought was my best friend. Their A lasted at least a year (that is if its over now). We had some trauma this summer and he says she was there for him and during that period he developed loving feelings for her. He still says he loves her but that he loves me more. This makes absolutely no sense to me, but thats what he says. He says the A is over but admits to telling her she will always be a part of him. This is also the 5th time he has said its over so I feel like there is something to his feelings, something he finds very hard to fight even though he says he's happy with me and wants to stay with me and our 3 kids. It is very painful to think about and impossible to simply accept, but still his arms are my favorite place to be -- the only place I'm happy. I sometimes feel like I'm warped to care so much and I know I deserve someone who loves me as much as I love them but when all is said and done - no matter what happens - I will be able to say that I gave it my best shot and tried with all my might.

Justsher -<BR>Very similar, I too still feel my W is the one I want to be with, but only if I can understand what I didn't do for her to let her go to this OP, and be sure in my own mind that it won't happen again.<P>I also want to be sure that my past (affair 4 years ago) & the guilt I feel isn't why I'm still here wanting to work it out.<P>I don't know your history, but my past I think had a good part in why she did this, without talking to me about what she was feeling & why.<P>Why is it so hard for two people with so much involvement with each other to talk about their feelings?<P>I don't think anyone who falls in love is warped, it's a thing I've never understood - you feel so strongly for someone yet you are willing to put everything you have worked for together at risk by feeling the same about someone else. I don't blame my WS for doing this, even though I'm angry, there were so many reasons why it happened that I have to take a lot of the blame. There seems to be two kinds of love involved in my relationship - "In Love", which i think we lost somewhere along the way, but WS has found with OM and Deeper Love - brought about by time, history, and the home we've built together. I just hope that the feelings we have now 4 each other, and the emotional needs I am meeting can be built on to regain the rest of the love we once had.<P>i guess i thought that the deeper love brought on by history & security was enough - I suppose we never talked about what was missing. Well that's not true, my W told me she was sick of me coming in from work and being a couch potato, and not listening to her, but i just took these as being grouchy comments after a day with the kids - I was wrong.<P>I intend to try & find out how we now feel about each other, what is/was missing and see if it can be put back. I want to provide what the OM is currently providing, we'll see.<P>I'm also concious that this will need to work both ways - i want to know what my W wasn't giving to me by way of emotional needs, becasue both parties eventually need to be providing for all the important needs (and the others too), before it can be truly blissful.<P>If it can, I think our marriage can be saved, and be the better for it, if not, then I'll know parting is the right thing to do.<P>This "fog" everyone talks about it incredibly thick for all concerned.<P>Best of luck, and thanks.

McBroom, (I'm in Just found out from July? on) I found that with me I felt like she did this to ma at first. At that point I either was so compliant that she didn't think I cared weather she left or not. Or I was judgemental and attacked her for hurting me. I was on a pitty trip big time. none of this helped me. I had a hard time taking some good advice. I neede to work on myself. I looked at the things I wasn't doing in our marriage and with our kids and put my efforts there first. I also needed to learn to like myself again. A needy person is not attractive for the right reasons. I found that if I can treat her with respect and understanding , she is more open to me. I weigh my words carefully, most times. I listen better, give her a chance to express her thoughts. She has gotten so much smarter now that I hear all she has to say. I now listen to what she says, but also for why she says it. Words don't always tell it all. <BR>See if you can see a councelor, use him/her to tell it all to. I found it best to not unload on my family and friends. They won't forget what you tell them, if you reconcile later. I talked to my supervisor at work(I trust him) so he knew what was going on and could under stand appt. for counselor. Get out and exersise. It is good for you. I started walking/running. Eat healthy, watch your drinking. Get enough sleep. Be careful of the stress diet, weight falls off because you aren't taking care of yourself. It's time to work on YOU. Be the man she loves, but more important be the one that is truest to yourself and your values.

Friend,<P>Responded on your other thread first. Just learned here you had an A 4 years ago?!<P>Wow.<P>And you've been a couch potatoe and not communicated with her on top of that instead of making things up to her and reassuring her?<P>It's a wonder to me that she still says she loves you! No, really! I don't mean that negatively.<P>I admire her capacity to love and to express that towards you. She is amazing. And this is why:<P>OW in our case said her H basically tuned her out when he got home from work, turned on the computer and didn't communicate with her either. If he did, it was only about the kids. "Without the kids, we would have nothing to talk about", she told me. He never did anything romantic or fun as well and all that combined was enough for her to say she did not love him at all anymore--he never even had to have an A for her to be disgusted by his touch.<BR> <BR> True, when you say your wife has not been meeting your needs, it takes two to make a marriage--you're basically right. But it alarms me that you are saying this at this stage. You will need to put having your needs met on the back burner for now. WAAAAAAAY, WAAAAAAAAAAY back! Your W is way overdue in having her needs met by you. <P>And you're on a mission to get her back. So her needs getting met first is top priority. You will have to forget about your needs being met by her (OR anyone else!)for quite a while. <P>Can you do that?

You're right, I know, and I'm trying very very hard to be the best that I can. I'm not really bothered about her meeting my needs at this point - I'm just searching for some clarity to the future.<P>I've only talked about this to two of my close friends, and they both say I should split up, because of the things she's doing to me, but I genuinely want to be at home with her, to find out what's what, and to support her - she is hurting too.<P>But she's openly seeing him - she sends him text messages and talks to him on the phone, and last night she went out with him all night, even taking him to a get together where one of our joint friends was there - it feels like they're both laughing at me, though she promises they aren't. It's very hard to bear.<P>When she came home from his house after spending the night there, I was very angry, and told her I thought I needed to be away from her, and that what she was doing to me wasa cruel. She left - i assume going to him. I sent her a message to say I was sorry, and that i was just so angry knowing she was with him, and she says she'll be back later.<P>Can I keep this up - I just want to know where i stand. Inside I know I'm just going to have to cope as long as the A goes on, but hell it's hard.<P>SHOULD I STAY OR GO? How do you stay strong? <BR>

How do you stay strong? It took me a long time to wake up and stop feeling like a victim. When I was done beating myself up.I decided to take the blame for my mistakes, and tell my wife I was sorry. I read as much as I could, Harleys and others. The Harleys seemed to fit who I am the best. You will save yourself alot of trouble if you don't LB. (When you find yourself in a hole stop digging.) Take a break from all this to do things you like. Go to a movie, play, ball game, concert, etc. There are even free events going on, look for them. Learn something new about yourself. Exercise. Your wife doesn't want to see you looking weak. Don't go to opposit extreme either. <P>Now is the time to find yourself, the best one you can be. At least if you end up by yourself you'll like the company.<P>God bless You and guide you. .D.