Sing, I'm hoping that no news is good news. Is anyone leaving? What are your plans?

No, noone is leaving yet. He didn't like it when I said I leave. His last e-mail really didn't make a lot of sense. I asked him what he really wanted & never really heard anything, but he has been very tired, depressed, & withdrawn, almost like he might be in withdrawal. who knows. Guess we are here till the term in JUne. <P>We have some problems with our OS (16), not anything bad, just not being where he is suppose to be, Singapore is a very safe city, & transpiration is readily available in the form of taxis & the MRT (subway), so you never know where they are, at least you don't have to worry about drinking & driving, the kids can't drive till they are 18, cars are too expensive also (I don't drive here), nor do you really have to worry about drugs, if they are caught the whole family has 24 hrs to leave, working parent loses job, if they are dealing its death. But you do have to worry about drinking, the locals tend not to say not to expat kids, we have been pulling the reins in a little the last few days, it has just proven that our sons need both of his parents. My os needs his dad, but if we split he will go with me, he is my son, & h knows that regardless of how much they do together if it came to a fight that os loyalty belongs to mom, & that is with me doing anything<P>I used my trip to the spa (ys gift to me for Christmas) it was heaven. if you can go indulge your self.

Thanks for your update. I was getting a little worried about you. You sounded so down right after Christmas. Do your kids know anything about the situation? If not, doesn't the stress of pretending everything is O.K. get to you? <P>My H just picked up the kids to keep them overnight. I still cry miserably every time they leave. I usually can hold off crying until they are out the door. Today, probably because of extra stress of anniversary today, I got a few tears in my eyes right before they left. My almost 6 year old looked at me and said he didn't want to go -- he wanted to stay with me to make me feel better. His compassion made it that much harder to try and stop crying. H did come back in the house and hug me before he left -- no words, but the hug felt good. I wish I could read something into it, but it felt like just pity. He did give me a card for our anniversary with a nice handwritten message signed with love, but again nothing in there to build any hope -- more of a thanks for the memories tone.<P>You are right that your kids need both parents. I think being a teenage boy is one of the toughest things and they need both the compassion and soft touch of mom and a good role model for their masculine side, like dad. I hope for your sake that your H is a good role model in at least that sense.<P>I think it was you that mentioned that your H used to say how aweful other people's As were. My H has admitted that if he saw someone doing what he was doing he would find it despicable. Then he said it was different when it was him involved. I think that was why the SAA book had such a big initial effect on him -- he saw someone describing his feelings and actions to a T and realized that he wasn't so different than all those "despicable people." <P>And the way that he has tried to get around his religious problems with what he is doing would be laughable if it weren't my life.<P>Has your H ever read SAA or gone to counseling? How do you think he is hiding from God? <P>You've been in my prayers and will continue to be. Let's have a better New Year. I plan to see a movie by myself today -- a matinee so I don't feel so pitiful!

Exhausted,<P> how was your movie? how long does your H have the boys? Your 6 yr. old made me cry.<P>I don't know how my H gets around his religious believes. He was so strong, maybe too self righteous but I thought he held deeply held convictions. One way he tries to get around the fact that he has committed adultery is that according to him I broke our vows 1st by not meeting his needs. I agree that I didn't meet his needs but our problems weren't just me they were him too. I do believe that he gave into the OW in very low point in our marriage, & to justify his sin he decided he loved her. I told him this once & he admitted there might be a lot of truth to that statement. My H never likes to admit he is wrong, he is still so angry with me about the whole situation, for leaving him open to temptation, for not being the wife he needed, basically I was/am a lousy housekeeper & I became overweight/out of shape. I have tried to do better with housekeeping but I am not a perfectionist, & I think that is what he wants. I have lost weight but not enough. but at this point nothing I do will make him happy, I just have to make me happy. I am afraid that he is going to start to resent the boys, because if not for them he would be with OW.<P>We started off 2000 with him coming home New Years Day, crying that he wanted to work on our marriage that spending New Year's Eve with OW was a mistake, that he was miserable, that he should have been home with me & YS (OS was at a lock-in). Three days later before I come home from inservice he supposedly goes & breaks it off with her again, 2 days later she is at his apt. So we have been doing this I want to work on marriage bit for along time now. He doesn't think we can change, I still do, if he try, he never really has, he says has but you have to break with OW 1st...dud. He says that she will be out of his life now (heard that before), so for now I am going to recommit (again) to try & see how things are in a few months, if still the same, I think I will start making plans on what I will do when term ends in June & we come to the states for home leave. If we don't return my poor OS will change HS for the 3 time, I hate that.<P>Guess I have rambled enough. I hope & pray that none of us are in Limbo land this time in 2001. I don't drink but here is a wish that 2001 is better than 2000 or 1999. Divorce will not be worse than the past, but it is still not what I want. Your & your sons are in my prayers.

Dear Sing,<P>I can identify with so many things you said. After 6 years of infertility, I had 3 kids in 4 years and didn't lose my weight or get in shape. My H took that as a sign of me not loving him! I tried to explain that there was a whole country full of women that had my same problem and it wasn't a reflection of my love for him, it was lack of discipline and self control! When I did get in shape and lose all my baby weight and more, H was the only person I knew that didn't tell me how great I looked. H told me he didn't want me to think that it made a difference!<P>It is amazing to me what WSs find to justify their wrongdoing. I think it is especially hard with people like your H and my H who like to think of themselves as men of integrity. They have such twisted thinking that you just have to believe that the weight of the illogical world of rationalizations they have built will come crashing down some day. I just hope it is soon enough for both of us!

me too. but i am not getting my hopes up any more. when my H came home last New Years Day crying, I never thought I still be dealing with this a yr later. He could barely wish me a Happy New Year, nor would he stay up for it, he laughed ironicly when I wished him one, I wanted to yell at him well it could be if you try but I guess that would be LBing.