My wife came home last night from two days with OM. She feels love for him, and he took her away to meet family & friends.<P>She says she still loves me, but isn't in love with me. I've read this site extensively, and feel that we should try to get back in love.<P>She is scared that I havn't changed (I was selfish for a long time, see "My Profile" in Just found out, and that she's scared she'll throw away the chance at happiness with the OM.<P>She has said she will try counselling, not to get us back together, but to help her decide what's best for her. We are to do the emotional needs questionnaires, and are getting His Needs;Her Needs. She still ants to see him. I don't want to leave her or our children (7 year relationship) until I'm sure too that we shouldn't be together.<P>Has anyone had an affait themselves, thought they'd been forgiven, not really addressed the problems which caused it, then found their wives having an affair some time later (4 years)? My wife feels she is in love with both me & the OM? How did your circumstances turn out, what experiences can you tell me about? Has the affair ended - did she leave for him, is she now with him, did she go then come back 7 if so why.<P>Experiences needed.

Ok, not exactly the same situation but maybe you can glean something from it. I think it may be important.<P>My H's OW (ex--that is) remains to this day (8 months past d-day) totally in love with him. Even after d-day she was quite open with her H (who she still lived with till last month) that she was in love with only my H. Her H was devestated but still wanted their marriage to work. That is until it all became too much and he kicked her out last month...<P>You have an advantage here in that your W still has love for you. This is HUGE! <P>Ex-OW's H made humongous mistakes because of her severe heartbreak of my H breaking off the A and her own confusion. He lovebusted all the time, he would do many things for her but none of them filled her emotional needs. (He had always ignored her emotional needs). <P>He was also (and remains) quite obsessed with my H, constantly acts out his hostility towards him and bad mouths him to his W. This, of course, depletes any points he had possible scored with her. He also did nothing to improve himself. He was constantly "shooting himself in the foot" in this way. <P>So if you can do those EN questionnaires and meet them, not LB your W by bringing up the affair, ignore or actually show pity towards the OM you are way ahead in the point scoring game. <P> On top of that, become the best man for your W to choose and you may just win the game.<P>What eventually happened in our case is her H's love bank got so depleted by trying so hard at the wrong things and getting nowhere that <B>he</B> was the one to file for divorce and kicked her out of the house. He has the kids. He bought a motorcycle, dyed his hair and has a close friend who's a woman.<P>In the back of my mind, I think he's not really trying to move on with his life (as he's trying to make it look) as much as he's trying to punish her and make her jealous. He probably thinks she will beg to come back to him. He is an idiot. He killed whatever chances he ever had. And at one time, he actually did have a chance.<P>Now more than ever his W wants my H. Her H fulfilled every belief she ever had in him. He's acting like a loser and she really is quite happy now to be rid of him. She's ready and free to move on to husband #2.<P>Please learn from his mistakes, friend. <P>If you feel like your love for your wife is getting diminished from the hurt of the continuing affair--go directly to plan B (while continuing the plan A) and move out. Take the kids with you--that is also part of plan B. Read the Surviving an Affair handbook. In it is a story pretty much mirroring yours. Follow that advice if you want to give your marriage every chance you can.<P>Plan B saves your love for your W. It keeps you from LBing your way out of a chance to save your marriage. You continue to love your wife and be a positive force waiting in the wings for her while she works things out for herself and sees OM isn't "home" or everything she thought he was. It lets OM "shoot himself in the foot" instead of you!<P>You have many things going in your favor. <P>1) Your W says she loves you.<P>2) She openly admits to being confused. (This is really wonderful!)<P>3) You have children together. You are a family.<P>4) You sound like you have a brain on your shoulders.<P>5) You're posting here and trying to follow the principles. (OW's H was too proud and self righteous and wanted to do it his own way--even after I gave him a copy of SAA and downloaded this site to him. Well, he's getting a righteous divorce<BR>now. I hope he'll be happy with that little piece of paper.<P>Good luck to you, friend.<P>L<P>------------------<BR><I>No rain, no rainbows</I><p>[This message has been edited by Leilana (edited December 31, 2000).]

Just a quick note to you. She is in the fog, as you probably know. All the things she says are classic. Plan A is usually supposed to be done for at least 6 months. I'd suggest that. Nothing is going to happen overnight, even through counselling. She'll continue to be confused. You can help clear the confusion by being the best you can be, and doing Plan A, meeting ENs, no LBs, for an extended period of time.<P>You don't want to leave until you are sure you shouldn't be together. Then don't leave. You aren't sure you shouldn't be together, so Plan A to prove you should. When you have kids, the ball is in your court more than the OMs.<P>Hang in there...it may take alot of time.<P>

Right! Alot of people give themselves a deadline for Plan A--however long they think they can stand the situation until they feel like they can't hold on--then they move to plan B. Everybody's stamina is a little different so your deadline may be longer or shorter.<P>Meant to mention. OW also wanted to go to counseling just for herself. She wanted her H to have separate counseling, which they did. She did not want "marriage" counseling with him. I think this was a mistake. Seperate counseling may only validate the way your wife feels she's been mistreated in the marriage. The counselor isn't going to defend you to her. <P>You did not mention--but if you are going together, that is wonderful. <P>Also, some antidepressants may help you control your negative emotions alot better. (Lord knows, we have them in truckloads at this time!) Get a good one that doesn't impair your sexual function--that would be a bummer!

Thanks for all your replies - I intend to stay for as long as i cancope, but it's getting harder - see my other post on this page.<P>I don't want to be taking my frustration out on the kids either, so I need to calm down.<P>I feel like a doormat to be honest - and I don't want my self esteem wrecked.<P>This site is helping me, so thanks.<P>I hope W will start to think very carefully about what she's doing to herself and the two men in her life, and the kids as well.<P>Sometimes she's lovely to me, other times she seems to just do what she wants. I hope to get into counselling this week. i might not reply to posts for a couple of days, W doesn't like it I don't think and it's not helping her that I'm doing this. Will post when i need to, and I'm sorry i might not be able to offer encouragement to anyone for a couple of days.

"I feel like a doormat to be honest - and I don't want my self esteem wrecked."<P>It is the hardest thing to turn the other cheek and not lash out. Your self esteem should be better if you know you are doing what is in your best interest. You are being supportive and making the effort needed to save your marriage. <BR>Give it everyhing you've got.<P>